{"id":32465,"date":"2016-07-28T06:00:38","date_gmt":"2016-07-28T13:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32465"},"modified":"2018-06-29T10:24:58","modified_gmt":"2018-06-29T17:24:58","slug":"maternal-narcissism-trapped-in-the-role-of-good-daughter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/maternal-narcissism-trapped-in-role-of-good-daughter-0728164","title":{"rendered":"Maternal Narcissism: Trapped in the Role of \u2018Good Daughter\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"RearWired for connection, baby daughter looks into her mother\u2019s eyes needing to see delight reflected back to her. What if, instead, baby\u2019s gaze is met with emotional emptiness? Lights out. Nobody home.<\/p>\n

And what if this blank stare isn\u2019t the manifestation of a temporary hormonal condition but instead indicative of something more troublesome? What if mom\u2019s emotional tank is perpetually low and she has little or nothing to give her daughter?<\/p>\n

If mom didn\u2019t get the love<\/a> and affirmation she needed when she was young, then her daughter, in the role of the \u201cgood daughter,\u201d learns quickly that mom\u2019s needs\u2014and not her own\u2014are at the center of the relationship.<\/p>\n

The emptiness<\/a> mom feels inside can threaten to swallow both mother and daughter. There simply aren\u2019t enough good feelings to go around. And like a bucket with a slow leak, the narcissistically defended mother\u2019s good feelings about herself are in constant need of a refill. In response, the daughter learns to put her own needs on the back burner as she works to fill mom up.<\/p>\n

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Many a \u201cgood daughter\u201d learns making mom happy is necessary for their own emotional survival. To this end, the \u201cgood daughter\u201d manages to subvert\/suppress\/deny her own needs to take care of mom.<\/p>\n

The \u201cgood daughter\u201d learns to:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Look good for mom:<\/strong> The \u201cgood daughter\u2019s\u201d demeanor, appearance, and accomplishments must reflect well on mom.<\/li>\n
  2. Act happy for mom:<\/strong> The \u201cgood daughter\u201d acts cheerful, enthusiastic, and puts on a positive face so as not to overwhelm mom. Bad moods, setbacks, and struggles must be short-circuited, if not hidden.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    The Cost of Being the \u2018Good Daughter\u2019<\/h2>\n

    In the normal course of development, the \u201cgood daughter,\u201d attuned to her mother\u2019s needs, may bury her own needs for the mother\u2019s sake. Understandably, these needs and feelings do not disappear. When these repressed<\/a> needs surface, the \u201cgood daughter\u201d may feel like a fake.<\/p>\n

    Sadly, when the \u201cgood daughter\u201d of the narcissistically defended mother needs support from mom regarding loss, disappointment, or struggle, she may find that mom has little to give.<\/p>\n

    Mom isn\u2019t evil, although her actions are frequently destructive. Simply put, a mother who is narcissistically injured is consumed with preserving and replenishing her impoverished sense of self<\/a>. Her emotional tank is empty. The narcissistic defense means mom is forever in a relentless pursuit of the emotional supplies she did not get during pivotal times in her own development. Additionally, mom may feel the need to disguise her neediness<\/a>, which may result in denial<\/a>, defensiveness<\/a>, and manipulation<\/a> of her daughter.<\/p>\n

    When mom experiences deep insecurities<\/a>, her parenting<\/a> may be slightly or profoundly impaired.<\/p>\n

    Healthy functioning is restored when both mother and daughter are free to be themselves and no one needs to \u201cbe good\u201d for<\/em> anyone else.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Because the daughter has subverted her own needs, she runs the danger of becoming disassociated from those needs. She becomes \u201cgood\u201d at the expense of being real. This can result in the \u201cgood daughter\u201d feeling like an impostor, a fake, just waiting to be found out.<\/p>\n

    Because she is disconnected from her authentic self, the \u201cgood daughter\u201d worries underneath it all that she isn\u2019t good enough.<\/p>\n

    Since her sense of self is rooted in making another person happy, she is at risk for codependency<\/a> in her relationships. And because she is used to making another person\u2019s happiness the basis for her feelings of self-worth, she may base her sense of self-worth on her own daughter\u2019s successes.<\/p>\n

    This is how being \u201cgood\u201d for mom isn\u2019t necessarily good for daughter. Or daughter\u2019s daughter, for that matter.<\/p>\n

    Healing is possible, however. The \u201cgood daughter\u201d must get in touch with her authentic self and start to mend the places within that she has long denied. In doing so, she enables herself to parent from a place of wholeness and confidence, and to empathize and accept both her own needs and her daughter\u2019s. By becoming aware of and reclaiming forgotten parts of herself, the daughter of a mother with narcissism<\/a> can end the cycle of maternal narcissism.<\/p>\n

    Healthy functioning is restored when both mother and daughter are free to be themselves and no one needs to \u201cbe good\u201d for<\/em> anyone else.<\/p>\n

    Note:<\/strong> The generalizations above may not apply to all dynamics in a family affected by parental narcissism. Also, although this article refers specifically to a mother and daughter for the purpose of narrative cohesion, any gender combination of parent and child can be similarly touched by narcissism.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The daughter of a narcissistically defended mother, like her mother before her, may get stuck in the role of \u201cgood daughter\u201d\u2014always putting mom\u2019s needs first.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3024,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,393,93,25],"class_list":["post-32465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-family-problems","tag-narcissism","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32465","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3024"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32465"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32465\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32465"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32465"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32465"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}