{"id":32455,"date":"2016-07-26T08:00:14","date_gmt":"2016-07-26T15:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32455"},"modified":"2016-07-25T15:28:19","modified_gmt":"2016-07-25T22:28:19","slug":"the-gift-of-shame-a-positive-look-at-a-negative-emotion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/gift-of-shame-positive-look-at-negative-emotion-0726165","title":{"rendered":"The Gift of Shame: A Positive Look at a Negative Emotion"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AShame<\/a> has a bad reputation. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face it: it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel good. I mean, who really wants to feel shame? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s uncomfortable, even downright painful at times.<\/p>\n

Here is something to consider, though: shame (closely related to guilt<\/a> and regret<\/a>) is an essential part of our survival and functioning and, in fact, is a gift from Mother Nature.<\/p>\n

Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s back up here a bit and first talk about the functions of emotions generally. Emotions<\/a> are hardwired into our brains and help to warn us, facilitate connections to other people, and work through challenges. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Positive\u00e2\u20ac\u009d emotions such as joy, pride, and love tend to feel good, while \u00e2\u20ac\u0153negative\u00e2\u20ac\u009d emotions such as anger<\/a>, shame, and sadness<\/a> tend to cause discomfort. It is easy to want to push away and avoid the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153negative\u00e2\u20ac\u009d emotions, but it is important to note that both types of emotions are necessary in order to function in the healthiest way possible.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

Now let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s get back to our friend, shame. Shame\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s function is pretty important. Basically, it helps to keep us in check. Shame is a signal that there has been some sort of action that could harm others or ourselves. This could be an action that hurts a relationship with a loved one, something that could get us in trouble somehow, or a behavior that would be dangerous or harmful to us.<\/p>\n

When we utilize shame appropriately and feel the right amount all the way through, it can be corrective and preventative in that it helps us to not make the same mistakes again. Having shame also helps us to repair when an action has caused harm to relationships. It helps us to identify and take accountability for our actions, and when others see we are experiencing some degree of shame, defenses usually go down and healing conversations can take place. When we feel shame about something self-inflicted (drinking, drugs, putting ourselves in dangerous positions, etc.), we can assess the steps we need to take in order to prevent doing future harm to ourselves.<\/p>\n

We all do things that warrant feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse. It is part of the human experience. Making mistakes is an important part of learning, and shame is an excellent teacher.<\/span><\/p>\n

As great as shame can be, sometimes we can have too little or too much. In doses that are too small, we do not get the full opportunity to learn from the experience. Our system is not able to fully register that we have engaged in a behavior that warrants some degree of remorse. As a result, we may be more likely to engage in the damaging behavior again, possibly with negative life consequences.<\/p>\n

Too much shame\u00c2\u00a0can overwhelm us and distort the experience. We may blame ourselves for things we should not take accountability for (like someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s actions) and end up in an impossible position where we are trying to learn someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lesson. The system becomes confused when shame is distorted because we are not able to control or prevent future actions of others.<\/p>\n

Finding the right dose of shame is key. When assessing whether you have too much or too little shame, ask yourself: Did I engage in a behavior (or behaviors) that caused harm? If the answer is no, it is important to assign correct responsibility and to check in with yourself to make sure you are not taking on another person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lesson. If the answer is yes, ask yourself: How much harm was caused by the behavior and would it be harmful if repeated? It is often helpful to use objective others as sounding boards when assessing your level of shame so you can learn from the situation and move forward.<\/p>\n

We all do things that warrant feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse. It is part of the human experience. Making mistakes is an important part of learning, and shame is an excellent teacher.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In doses too large or too small, shame doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do us any favors. But in just the right amount, it can inspire accountability and help prevent further harm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2649,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,240],"class_list":["post-32455","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-shame-guilt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32455","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2649"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32455"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32455\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32455"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32455"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32455"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}