{"id":32217,"date":"2016-07-05T06:00:43","date_gmt":"2016-07-05T13:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32217"},"modified":"2018-03-21T11:35:02","modified_gmt":"2018-03-21T18:35:02","slug":"you-cant-always-get-what-you-want-dealing-with-rejection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/you-cant-always-get-what-you-want-dealing-with-rejection-0705164","title":{"rendered":"You Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Always Get What You Want: Dealing with Rejection"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PersonWhich is worse: that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach after that person you just had a promising first date with says they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see it going further, or receiving a call from a recruiter who tells you the company you desperately want to work for has decided to hire someone else?<\/p>\n

They are both forms of rejection<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201ddecisions by others to not go forward with a relationship you hoped to have. Do you like your rejection as a gentle letdown or as a quick blow? In one scenario, you are left to figure out why you aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wanted. In the other, you are told why. And in both, you are left to wonder what other potential suitors have that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. When we are rejected, we tend to revisit the things we said and did, reimagining situations where we might come out on top.<\/p>\n

Even if we didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want the date or the job, we still want some control, perhaps the opportunity to say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Thanks, but no thanks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d We want the power to do the rejecting. We will do almost anything to avoid that helpless feeling that comes when someone takes the decision away from us. This feeling often overtakes the truths we know about ourselves.<\/p>\n

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The logical part of the brain<\/a> knows we aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t everyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cup of tea. We know there will be those who are better suited for certain jobs. The people I meet in therapy<\/a> often laugh when we discuss this idea, because what we must believe in when we let rejection get to us is actually quite silly. However, rejection has hidden benefits lurking beneath those burning feelings of disappointment, anger<\/a>, embarrassment<\/a>, humiliation<\/a>, and self-criticism<\/a>. One is the opportunity to practice resilience<\/a>. In dealing with rejection, we get a chance to seek a better fit for ourselves and trust that the relationship or situation we wanted wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t right and a better one is still out there. If we get invested in dating someone who isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t as invested in us or in doing a job that doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t value our skills, we aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t investing in more fulfilling or rewarding people and situations.<\/p>\n

One of the most difficult feelings that often comes with rejection is embarrassment. By feeling embarrassed when we fall short of a goal, we convey to others a sense of, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not good enough, and now everyone can see that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Rejection is a part of life that everyone experiences in one fashion or another, so to feel embarrassment is to believe in the illusion we are universally wanted and should be seen by others as such. That’s neither realistic nor fair.<\/p>\n

Rejection has hidden benefits lurking beneath those burning feelings of disappointment, anger, embarrassment, humiliation, and self-criticism. One is the opportunity to practice resilience.<\/span><\/p>\n

It is especially problematic when an experience of rejection snowballs and affects your self-worth<\/a>. It can be exhausting to go out on the job market or dating scene and endure countless interviews and meet-ups that don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lead to what you want. Often I see people in my office who need to be reminded of their worth and to consider\u00c2\u00a0a different approach to looking for a job or partner. Many people\u00c2\u00a0interpret meaning and patterns from\u00c2\u00a0their experiences. For example, they may decide they should never talk about enjoying time with their baby nephew because it \u00e2\u20ac\u0153scares away\u00e2\u20ac\u009d potential dates who might not be ready for kids. Or they conclude they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the problem-solving skills it takes for the kind of job they want after a phone screening doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t net an in-person interview.<\/p>\n

It is easy and tempting to invent reasons we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get what we want, but therapy can help sort through what is real and what is not.<\/p>\n

The next time you encounter rejection, keep in mind the following ideas:<\/p>\n