{"id":32137,"date":"2016-06-14T08:00:06","date_gmt":"2016-06-14T15:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=32137"},"modified":"2016-06-13T18:36:21","modified_gmt":"2016-06-14T01:36:21","slug":"what-happens-when-children-dont-individuate-in-adolescence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/what-happens-when-children-dont-individuate-in-adolescence-0614165","title":{"rendered":"What Happens When Children Don’t Individuate in Adolescence?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"DisagreementI work with a number of anguished parents who are surprised, hurt, and bewildered by changes in the way their adult children behave toward them. They describe relationships filled with coolness and irritation from their adult child and talk about being rebuffed when emails, texts, and phone calls go unanswered and responses to requests for dinner or birthday celebrations are ignored or refused. These parents feel pushed away and controlled by their children and clueless to understand this unexpected behavior. They come into therapy<\/a> filled with a wide range of feelings, including rejection<\/a>, anger<\/a>, hurt, anxiety<\/a>, depression<\/a>, and helplessness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Melanie came to see me because of difficulties with her oldest child, Barbara, 33, who is five years married with two young children.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153She was my first, and it was love at first sight,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Melanie said of Barbara. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153We were so close. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand the change. It seems sudden, but I suppose it started after college when she became a little distant and there was some tension. Now I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcboo\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 to her without her becoming annoyed or angry. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m always walking on tiptoe and never know when she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going to have an outburst. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll yell and say awful things like I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand her or I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m self-absorbed or the queen of criticism. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t imagine why she feels this way. I go from shock to crying to feeling outraged. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what she wants from me. Actually, it feels like she doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want anything from me. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s getting more and more difficult to get to see her or even get her to send me a picture of the grandkids or answer a text. When she ignored my birthday last month, that was the worst.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

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Melanie\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s experience with Barbara is illustrative of what the distressed parents I work with describe: through adolescence they had close, loving relationships which became conflicted only after their children left home. The separation-individuation process which is expected to occur in adolescence didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t emerge at the developmentally appropriate time. Without the benefit of individuation in adolescence, these children missed the experience of learning to navigate the power struggles and clashes with parents that are crucial for the formation of a sense of identity<\/a> with feelings of autonomy and self-confidence. This experience is necessary to set the stage for feeling comfortably attached to the parent without fear of being controlled or influenced.<\/p>\n

The Development of Saying Yes to Oneself<\/h2>\n

I have always been intrigued with the idea that 2-year-olds have to learn to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d before they can say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of the 2-year-old is a crucial component of the development of self<\/a>. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is directed to the parent who engages with the child in a squabble. When there are wins for the child, their \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is accepted, making it possible for the child to begin feeling authorship of their \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is a nod to the self, to one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desires, needs, and drive toward autonomy.<\/p>\n

During adolescence, this process continues. Now the parent has to shift from the position of benign authority they held with their younger child. They must find a balance between providing rules within a secure and safe framework and simultaneously allow room for the emergence of the adolescent\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153noes.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This means the child is given space to question and change the rules (although the parent will not always agree) as they move toward \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d i.e., developing their identity as autonomous adults.<\/p>\n

The Adult Child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Delayed Individuation Process<\/h2>\n

For some children, the struggle to individuate either begins or intensifies after adolescence, often during their late 20s or 30s. When this occurs, a strong need to pull away and extract oneself from the parental orbit feels necessary.<\/p>\n

For parents who have not experienced the passionate conflicts of adolescence and may be known to happily remark \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I got off easy,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d their adult child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fierce push to be separate can be heart-wrenching. When there is a delay or a reemergence of this struggle for autonomy, the parent is frequently taken by surprise and is unprepared for what may now become an intense process of individuation<\/a> in which the adult child, no longer feeling required to adhere to the old rules, comes out fighting to claim a selfhood that will feel unfettered by parental influence. It can seem very sudden when a child starts to pull away, express anger, and assert themselves against the parent. Although the parent may be unaware of treating the child differently, what might have felt to both parent and child like interest or involvement in the past can now be experienced by the child as controlling or critical.<\/p>\n

As I got to know Melanie and learned about the development of her relationship with Barbara, it became clear that Barbara was late in separating from her parents. Through late adolescence, Barbara never went through a stage where she pushed against her parents. When she went away to college, she remained close with frequent calls and emails. Between her junior and senior years, however, she and her parents fought over her decision to remain at college for the summer to take an internship. This was the first big disagreement with Barbara where Barbara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wishes won out. Melanie wondered:<\/p>\n

As I got to know Melanie and learned about the development of her relationship with Barbara, it became clear that Barbara was late in separating from her parents.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure about this, but I think things changed after that. She never lived at home after graduation. She stopped asking for advice, and I was so surprised when she decided to move to a neighboring state for grad school. Maybe I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have said I thought she should stay local for school, save her money, and live at home. She had made up her mind, and I remember she got angry and said I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell her what to do with her life. I was shocked. I was only trying to help. Since then, she bristles or gets angry at any suggestion I make.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Melanie was feeling profoundly rejected by Barbara. She felt helpless to know how to relate to her and how to change the increasing negativity<\/a> she felt from her daughter. She felt controlled and without any clear sense of why this was happening:<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask questions without her getting enraged,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Melanie said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I asked if she took my granddaughter to the doctor when she had a fever and she told me to stop butting in! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve asked her such innocuous questions, like \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAre you planning a vacation?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Or, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcAre you thinking about sending the kids to daycare?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Every time I ask a question, she accuses me of criticizing her. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get it. I just want to be a part of her life. She doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to let me in. Worse, sometimes I think she hates me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

It seemed to me Barbara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s individuation process had been delayed. I assumed that since there was little conflict with her parents during adolescence, Barbara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153noes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yeses\u00e2\u20ac\u009d were probably mostly shared by her parents. Thus, in adolescence, Barbara would have felt no need to differentiate her wishes and needs from those of her parents. Now, as an adult, she had no developed sense of self with feelings of autonomy. So she still needed to individuate and take ownership of the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yeses\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153noes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in her life. This would give her a sense of agency<\/a> and self-confidence, enabling her to feel less threatened by her mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s opinions, wishes, and needs. Differences between them would simply be differences, not cause for concern about losing herself to her mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s influence. She would not have to be worried about being controlled because she would feel in charge of herself.<\/p>\n

Melanie began to understand that Barbara equated connection with influence. She recognized that Barbara\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s experience of being constantly criticized became the rationale for pushing Melanie away:<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I think I get it. If I ask a question, like did she take my granddaughter to the doctor, maybe she hears it as my opinion: \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcYou should take her to the doctor.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Or maybe, she hears it as \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trust you to know what to do\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 so then she feels criticized by me. I see she is fighting being influenced by me. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like if she lets me in, she loses herself. If she lets herself feel close to me, it threatens her sense of self. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be in her life to control or influence her, I just want to love her and feel loved. How is that ever going to happen?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Facilitating Individuation for the Adult Child<\/h2>\n

Melanie\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings of helplessness were palpable. She was developing an intellectual understanding of what was going on with Barbara, but it is quite another thing to find a way to change the dynamic between them so their bond could be restored. I made the following suggestions to Melanie:<\/p>\n