{"id":31944,"date":"2016-05-23T08:00:29","date_gmt":"2016-05-23T15:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31944"},"modified":"2016-05-20T11:23:37","modified_gmt":"2016-05-20T18:23:37","slug":"after-the-apology-when-being-sorry-isnt-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/after-apology-when-being-sorry-isnt-enough-0523165","title":{"rendered":"After the Apology: When Being Sorry Isn\u2019t Enough"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ManAll close relationships<\/a> have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the fabric of the relationship. At these times, the wounded partner\u2019s experience can typically be summarized as either: \u201cWhen I needed you most, you weren\u2019t there for me,\u201d or, \u201cI trusted you and you betrayed me.\u201d Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, \u201cI will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Practitioners of emotionally focused therapy (EFT)<\/a>, a well-researched, effective model of couples therapy<\/a>, call these destructive experiences attachment injuries. EFT encourages hurt partners to share not just the facts about their injury, but the deep pain and sadness<\/a> they experienced. Offending partners are helped to listen non-defensively, fully understand the emotional impact of their behavior on the injured partner, and express sincere remorse and regret<\/a>. Couples are then guided through the process of asking for and receiving the comfort and support that was missing at the time of the injury.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

When partners complete this process, many find their bond is not just repaired but strengthened. They understand each other\u2019s needs and experiences in new ways that allow them to be more responsive to each other in the future.<\/p>\n

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner\u2019s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.<\/p>\n

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner\u2019s trust<\/a>, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn\u2019t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such monumental consequences, ashamed<\/a> of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry<\/a> your partner was unwilling to move on.<\/p>\n

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?<\/p>\n

At that moment, your confusion, fear<\/a>, anger, hurt, or despair placed you at high risk of doing something to make things worse. Or, afraid to say or do the wrong thing, you might have done nothing at all. Either way, your good work in understanding and acknowledging past mistakes could easily be undone.<\/p>\n

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner\u2019s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

What you may not have understood is that you\u2014your presence, comfort, and understanding\u2014were the key to your partner\u2019s recovery. Your partner felt alone and abandoned<\/a> at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.<\/p>\n

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, \u201cDo you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?\u201d If the answer is, \u201cYes, I\u2019m here and I care, and I\u2019ll be here for as long as it takes,\u201d your relationship has taken at least a small step forward. If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless<\/a>, your partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.<\/p>\n

A couple I recently saw\u2014I\u2019ll call them Allison and Mark\u2014exemplify how couples can continue to struggle after a heartfelt apology. After months of working on their relationship in therapy, Allison summoned the courage<\/a> to tell Mark how deeply wounded she had been since a dismissive remark he made to her several years earlier, at a time she was depressed<\/a> and overwhelmed<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Because of the good work they had already done on their relationship, Mark was able to take in Allison\u2019s experience without defending himself or minimizing her pain. Understanding the magnitude of her wound, he was stricken. He expressed his heartfelt apology and sat with her in a moment of shared sorrow.<\/p>\n

But the wall Allison had put up to protect her from ever feeling that vulnerable and hurt again did not immediately come down. \u201cI wish I could just take the wall down and move on,\u201d she told him sadly, \u201cbut I can\u2019t yet. I don\u2019t know why.\u201d<\/p>\n

And then he panicked. What if Allison never recovered from this injury? What if there was no way to undo or repair the damage? What if she decided he couldn\u2019t be the man she needs?<\/p>\n

In his panic, Mark tried to convince her they couldn\u2019t change the past and she needed to begin trusting him again. He understood what he did wrong, and he would try to be a better partner. But instead of feeling reassured, Allison felt he was telling her, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be feeling hurt and alone anymore. You should be able to move on.\u201d<\/p>\n

If the conversation stopped here, as it often did at home, Allison would have felt Mark was once again dismissing her feelings, leaving her to struggle alone. She would have felt less trust in him than before the apology and added a few more bricks to her self-protective wall.<\/p>\n

But this time, I was able to explain that Allison needed a different kind of reassurance. Mark then turned to her and said, \u201cI\u2019ll wait as long as you need me to. I don\u2019t care how long it takes for you to take the wall down. I\u2019m here and I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

And with that, their relationship took a small but important step forward.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When trust in a relationship is severely wounded by one partner\u2019s actions, even genuine and heartfelt remorse often isn\u2019t sufficient to repair the damage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2953,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,561,432,25,559,41,388],"class_list":["post-31944","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-couples-marriage-counseling","tag-forgiveness","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-modes","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31944","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2953"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31944"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31944\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31944"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31944"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31944"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}