{"id":31810,"date":"2016-05-27T08:00:04","date_gmt":"2016-05-27T15:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31810"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:15:58","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:15:58","slug":"how-do-i-stop-my-son-from-picking-the-military-over-college","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-do-i-stop-my-son-from-picking-military-over-college","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Stop My Son from Picking the Military Over College?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

Our son, who turned 18 last month, is about to graduate from high school. He’s a great kid, an Eagle Scout, and a straight-A student (3.96 grade-point average). He’s the president of his senior class and has multiple full-ride scholarship offers from elite schools across the country, including Stanford and Princeton.<\/p>\n

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So why, pray tell, would he possibly want to join the military<\/a>? This is the dilemma our family faces. Bernie Sanders isn’t president. College isn’t cheap. A quality college education is unaffordable for many families, including ours. By the time our son would complete his service, it seems doubtful at best that opportunities like this will still be waiting for him, and we won’t be in position to help him much. We feel like he is leaving not only free money (and a lot of it) on the table, but also his future, and for what?<\/p>\n

His mother and I both see the nobility in wanting to serve our country and we admire him for it, but this decision puts not only his financial future<\/a> at risk but also, potentially, his life. It’s an unstable world we live in, and not too many people who enlist these days manage to avoid deployment. We’ve tried to talk some sense into our son, but he says he’s made up his mind<\/a>. Easy to say for someone who has never had to pay for anything in his life.<\/p>\n

Please help us. How can we convince our son that going to college is a much better choice than going to war? \u2014Dumbfounded Dad<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Dumbfounded,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for writing. I can\u2019t help but think the answer to your question lies in the emotional undertone of the question itself.<\/p>\n

As I\u2019m sure you already know, the teen years<\/a> are often a roller-coaster for teens and parents alike. It\u2019s a phase marked by intense contradiction, as a burgeoning young adult seeks individuation and freedom while under the care and protection of the very people they are trying to separate from. It\u2019s easy to get lost in the minutiae of curfews, driving privileges, allowances, homework, drugs, sex, and so on.<\/p>\n

Though I find it a worthy question to ask, what is really at the heart of this? Usually it\u2019s anxiety<\/a> or fear<\/a>. On the parents\u2019 side, there is the fear the child will be somehow unsafe, now or later, and is throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Parents fear that the kid who struggles in school may not be well enough prepared for college later; the kid who experiments with pot may be \u201csetting themselves up for failure\u201d down the road; and the son who says no to full-ride scholarships at elite schools has somehow gone off-track. What the heck is he thinking<\/em>? That does it, I\u2019m putting my foot down!<\/p>\n

The teen, meanwhile, worries about the same thing, only from a different angle. Can I survive and flourish\u2014socially, financially\u2014once I\u2019ve left the nest? If I\u2019m too reliant on mom or dad now<\/em>, what happens later when I\u2019m working or at college? I can\u2019t rely on them forever. I know they want me to take these scholarships, get an education, but I want a different kind of education. What\u2019s wrong with that? To hell with \u2019em! I\u2019m on my own!<\/p>\n

Anxiety, in other words, rules the day, as each side feels disrespected or abandoned or shut out by the other.<\/p>\n

Your letter is full of understandable parental anxiety focused mostly, it seems to me, on the future. He is \u201cpotentially\u201d risking his life or possibly throwing away opportunities that may or may not be \u201cwaiting for him\u201d later on. One could say these scholarships are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. You could also say any kid with the smarts to get into these schools with a 3.96 GPA, and with a willingness to take the road less traveled, will likely continue to find opportunities. I know plenty of struggling adults who went to Ivy League schools, and successful people who went to community college, then specialized in grad school or elsewhere later on.<\/p>\n

You have, again understandably for a parent, developed a vision for the best path forward for your son. What father wouldn\u2019t want his son to go to Princeton or Stanford? I empathize with your confusion and frustration. I imagine you\u2019re tearing your hair out.<\/p>\n

But this is the great challenge of this mind-warping transition phase. As a parent myself, I foresee a time when my daughter will announce to us she has decided to become a doctor or lawyer (or better yet, a psychologist<\/a>!)\u2014which means, of course, that when she\u2019s 18 she\u2019ll announce to us she\u2019s skipping college to join a punk band or travel to Antarctica to save seals. We want our kids to be safe; they want us to back off so they can test limits, take a bite out of the world, and dance near the edge. This is itself the delicate, anxious dance between teens and parents at this complicated phase.<\/p>\n

As I often do in this column, I\u2019ll throw out my 2 cents regarding some practical suggestions, followed by a more psychological angle.<\/p>\n

First, talk to your son\u2014as neutrally as possible\u2014about what you\u2019re seeing as the risks involved. The idea here is to model balanced decision making. Make sure he knows your \u201cagenda\u201d is only to talk through the decision with him. Does he know what a rare opportunity these scholarships actually are, how few kids get into these schools, for a free ride, no less? That these schools provide first-rate opportunities for networking and lifelong connection for just about any field of interest? That he could always enlist after <\/em>getting his undergrad degree, or try college first and then <\/em>decide? You could also talk about what assistance you can and possibly can\u2019t provide both now and later.<\/p>\n

Which branch of the military is he most interested in? What about it, specifically, draws him? What are they offering in terms of higher education down the road? What about any interest in specialty training? Also, to your points about his safety, is he interested in being deployed on dangerous assignments or tours of duty? If the answer is yes, would he be interested in doing some more research, such as talking to veterans who have served where he\u2019s interested in going?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.<\/p>\n

Empathy<\/a> is the key, saith the psychotherapist. By this, I mean I would try to get as curious as you can about what draws him. Does he like the idea of discipline, training, and order? Is it weaponry and combat he\u2019s interested in? Is it the idea of the safety of a \u201cstrong\u201d institution to which he will belong, a new kind of family?<\/p>\n

Listen for the hopes and yearnings more than the literal aspects. Then you might\u2014as calmly as you can\u2014explain why this is difficult for you (and possibly your wife). You have your own <\/em>hopes and wishes for him as a caring dad.<\/p>\n

Try to avoid a trap a lot of us fall into, which is playing the \u201cthis isn\u2019t normal\u201d card. Example: \u201cIt\u2019s not normal for a kid as smart as you to enlist and blow off Stanford; it\u2019s just not rational.\u201d The implication there is he\u2019s weird, an oddball, or worse. It will probably make him dig his heels in even deeper. Make your statements personal, not about \u201cwhat kids your age normally do\u201d or in the vein of \u201cwhat\u2019s really <\/em>best for a guy like you, though clearly you don\u2019t see it, is \u2026\u201d It\u2019s possible he does see it and wants to do something else. Better to say, \u201cWell, here\u2019s what I <\/em>foresee for you, and why, and I guess I just don\u2019t get it, so help me get it.\u201d Or, \u201cAs your dad, it makes me uneasy to think of you in harm\u2019s way. We think that\u2019s rare or never happens, but it does. I\u2019m not saying don\u2019t do it, but I am saying be clear about the risks.\u201d You could also ask the gutsy question of, is his seeking out enlistment a way of compensating for something he felt he never got at home or school? You might also be listening for how he thinks this experiencing will point him toward whatever definition of manhood<\/a> he has developed.<\/p>\n

But again, be respectful, as this is his <\/em>dream, his<\/em> decision. You can disagree with it, but I would honor the fact the son you love finds it important.<\/p>\n

Parenting<\/a> can be extremely difficult, and it\u2019s a never-ending duty. But sometimes kids somehow have <\/em>to do the one thing they know drives us batty. It can be a test to see if they will still be loved by us in spite of their decisions, or that they are capable of making their own <\/em>decisions completely free from parental influence. If there is any element of rebellion in his decision, try to be understanding rather than dead-set against it, as that puts you in opposition and back in the tug-of-war.<\/p>\n

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to post any follow-ups to let us know what happens.<\/p>\n

Thanks again for writing!<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[21,522,393,582,586,51,25],"class_list":["post-31810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-family-problems","tag-veterans-issues","tag-money-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31810","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31810"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31810\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31810"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31810"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31810"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}