{"id":31810,"date":"2016-05-27T08:00:04","date_gmt":"2016-05-27T15:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31810"},"modified":"2019-07-24T11:15:58","modified_gmt":"2019-07-24T18:15:58","slug":"how-do-i-stop-my-son-from-picking-the-military-over-college","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-do-i-stop-my-son-from-picking-military-over-college","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Stop My Son from Picking the Military Over College?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear GoodTherapy.org,<\/span><\/p>\n

Our son, who turned 18 last month, is about to graduate from high school. He’s a great kid, an Eagle Scout, and a straight-A student (3.96 grade-point average). He’s the president of his senior class and has multiple full-ride scholarship offers from elite schools across the country, including Stanford and Princeton.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

So why, pray tell, would he possibly want to join the military<\/a>? This is the dilemma our family faces. Bernie Sanders isn’t president. College isn’t cheap. A quality college education is unaffordable for many families, including ours. By the time our son would complete his service, it seems doubtful at best that opportunities like this will still be waiting for him, and we won’t be in position to help him much. We feel like he is leaving not only free money (and a lot of it) on the table, but also his future, and for what?<\/p>\n

His mother and I both see the nobility in wanting to serve our country and we admire him for it, but this decision puts not only his financial future<\/a> at risk but also, potentially, his life. It’s an unstable world we live in, and not too many people who enlist these days manage to avoid deployment. We’ve tried to talk some sense into our son, but he says he’s made up his mind<\/a>. Easy to say for someone who has never had to pay for anything in his life.<\/p>\n

Please help us. How can we convince our son that going to college is a much better choice than going to war? \u00e2\u20ac\u201dDumbfounded Dad<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Dumbfounded,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for writing. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t help but think the answer to your question lies in the emotional undertone of the question itself.<\/p>\n

As I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you already know, the teen years<\/a> are often a roller-coaster for teens and parents alike. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a phase marked by intense contradiction, as a burgeoning young adult seeks individuation and freedom while under the care and protection of the very people they are trying to separate from. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easy to get lost in the minutiae of curfews, driving privileges, allowances, homework, drugs, sex, and so on.<\/p>\n

Though I find it a worthy question to ask, what is really at the heart of this? Usually it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anxiety<\/a> or fear<\/a>. On the parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 side, there is the fear the child will be somehow unsafe, now or later, and is throwing away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Parents fear that the kid who struggles in school may not be well enough prepared for college later; the kid who experiments with pot may be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153setting themselves up for failure\u00e2\u20ac\u009d down the road; and the son who says no to full-ride scholarships at elite schools has somehow gone off-track. What the heck is he thinking<\/em>? That does it, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m putting my foot down!<\/p>\n

The teen, meanwhile, worries about the same thing, only from a different angle. Can I survive and flourish\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsocially, financially\u00e2\u20ac\u201donce I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve left the nest? If I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m too reliant on mom or dad now<\/em>, what happens later when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m working or at college? I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t rely on them forever. I know they want me to take these scholarships, get an education, but I want a different kind of education. What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrong with that? To hell with \u00e2\u20ac\u2122em! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m on my own!<\/p>\n

Anxiety, in other words, rules the day, as each side feels disrespected or abandoned or shut out by the other.<\/p>\n

Your letter is full of understandable parental anxiety focused mostly, it seems to me, on the future. He is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153potentially\u00e2\u20ac\u009d risking his life or possibly throwing away opportunities that may or may not be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153waiting for him\u00e2\u20ac\u009d later on. One could say these scholarships are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. You could also say any kid with the smarts to get into these schools with a 3.96 GPA, and with a willingness to take the road less traveled, will likely continue to find opportunities. I know plenty of struggling adults who went to Ivy League schools, and successful people who went to community college, then specialized in grad school or elsewhere later on.<\/p>\n

You have, again understandably for a parent, developed a vision for the best path forward for your son. What father wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want his son to go to Princeton or Stanford? I empathize with your confusion and frustration. I imagine you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re tearing your hair out.<\/p>\n

But this is the great challenge of this mind-warping transition phase. As a parent myself, I foresee a time when my daughter will announce to us she has decided to become a doctor or lawyer (or better yet, a psychologist<\/a>!)\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhich means, of course, that when she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s 18 she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll announce to us she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s skipping college to join a punk band or travel to Antarctica to save seals. We want our kids to be safe; they want us to back off so they can test limits, take a bite out of the world, and dance near the edge. This is itself the delicate, anxious dance between teens and parents at this complicated phase.<\/p>\n

As I often do in this column, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll throw out my 2 cents regarding some practical suggestions, followed by a more psychological angle.<\/p>\n

First, talk to your son\u00e2\u20ac\u201das neutrally as possible\u00e2\u20ac\u201dabout what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re seeing as the risks involved. The idea here is to model balanced decision making. Make sure he knows your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153agenda\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is only to talk through the decision with him. Does he know what a rare opportunity these scholarships actually are, how few kids get into these schools, for a free ride, no less? That these schools provide first-rate opportunities for networking and lifelong connection for just about any field of interest? That he could always enlist after <\/em>getting his undergrad degree, or try college first and then <\/em>decide? You could also talk about what assistance you can and possibly can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t provide both now and later.<\/p>\n

Which branch of the military is he most interested in? What about it, specifically, draws him? What are they offering in terms of higher education down the road? What about any interest in specialty training? Also, to your points about his safety, is he interested in being deployed on dangerous assignments or tours of duty? If the answer is yes, would he be interested in doing some more research, such as talking to veterans who have served where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s interested in going?<\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know your son, so he may or may not be taking some of his cues from you. If he is, try as best you can to be an example of curiosity over judgment, and most of all empathy for what he hopes to gain from the military.<\/p>\n

Empathy<\/a> is the key, saith the psychotherapist. By this, I mean I would try to get as curious as you can about what draws him. Does he like the idea of discipline, training, and order? Is it weaponry and combat he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s interested in? Is it the idea of the safety of a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153strong\u00e2\u20ac\u009d institution to which he will belong, a new kind of family?<\/p>\n

Listen for the hopes and yearnings more than the literal aspects. Then you might\u00e2\u20ac\u201das calmly as you can\u00e2\u20ac\u201dexplain why this is difficult for you (and possibly your wife). You have your own <\/em>hopes and wishes for him as a caring dad.<\/p>\n

Try to avoid a trap a lot of us fall into, which is playing the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t normal\u00e2\u20ac\u009d card. Example: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not normal for a kid as smart as you to enlist and blow off Stanford; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just not rational.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d The implication there is he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s weird, an oddball, or worse. It will probably make him dig his heels in even deeper. Make your statements personal, not about \u00e2\u20ac\u0153what kids your age normally do\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or in the vein of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really <\/em>best for a guy like you, though clearly you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see it, is \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s possible he does see it and wants to do something else. Better to say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I <\/em>foresee for you, and why, and I guess I just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get it, so help me get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153As your dad, it makes me uneasy to think of you in harm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s way. We think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s rare or never happens, but it does. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not saying don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do it, but I am saying be clear about the risks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You could also ask the gutsy question of, is his seeking out enlistment a way of compensating for something he felt he never got at home or school? You might also be listening for how he thinks this experiencing will point him toward whatever definition of manhood<\/a> he has developed.<\/p>\n

But again, be respectful, as this is his <\/em>dream, his<\/em> decision. You can disagree with it, but I would honor the fact the son you love finds it important.<\/p>\n

Parenting<\/a> can be extremely difficult, and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a never-ending duty. But sometimes kids somehow have <\/em>to do the one thing they know drives us batty. It can be a test to see if they will still be loved by us in spite of their decisions, or that they are capable of making their own <\/em>decisions completely free from parental influence. If there is any element of rebellion in his decision, try to be understanding rather than dead-set against it, as that puts you in opposition and back in the tug-of-war.<\/p>\n

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you to post any follow-ups to let us know what happens.<\/p>\n

Thanks again for writing!<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[21,522,393,582,586,51,25],"class_list":["post-31810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-family-problems","tag-veterans-issues","tag-money-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31810","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31810"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31810\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31810"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31810"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31810"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}