{"id":31802,"date":"2016-05-04T08:00:18","date_gmt":"2016-05-04T15:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31802"},"modified":"2016-05-03T15:15:19","modified_gmt":"2016-05-03T22:15:19","slug":"should-this-should-that-learning-to-embrace-what-is","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/should-this-should-that-learning-to-embrace-what-is-0504165","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Should\u2019 This, \u2018Should\u2019 That: Learning to Embrace What Is"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"NorthAs a therapist, I hear the word \u201cshould\u201d often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety<\/a>, a precipitous drop in self-esteem<\/a>, or a sudden crying jag: \u201cI should be over this by now!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

What is it about \u201cshould\u201d that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I\u2019ll try to answer those questions. I\u2019ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that \u201cshould\u201d-ing.<\/p>\n

\u2018Shoulds\u2019 as Aspirations and Values<\/h2>\n

Psychology<\/a> thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud<\/a> (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the \u201cego ideal,\u201d that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of \u201cnorth star\u201d\u2014we can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.<\/p>\n

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This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, \u201cI should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.\u201d In this example from my own life, the \u201cshould\u201d came from a place of self-love<\/a> and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those \u201cshoulds\u201d became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate<\/a> myself with?<\/p>\n

\u2018Shoulds\u2019 as Self-Punishments<\/h2>\n

\u201cI should have known better!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have done that!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren\u2019t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?<\/p>\n

When we \u201cshould\u201d ourselves in this way, it\u2019s like saying, \u201cYou should be able to touch your north star\u2014if you had paddled hard enough, you\u2019d be there by now!\u201d This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.<\/p>\n

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as \u201cperfectionists.\u201d In perfectionism<\/a>, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become <\/em>ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their \u201cego ideal.\u201d Sadly, self-criticism<\/a> and varying levels of anxiety and depression<\/a> usually ensue.<\/p>\n

\u2018Shoulds\u2019 in Relationships<\/h2>\n

\u201cYou should stand up for me!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren\u2019t possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou should know how I\u2019m feeling!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.<\/p>\n

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, \u201cYou should be more like \u2026\u201d essentially translates to, \u201cYou should not be you!\u201d If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don\u2019t seem to like that.<\/p>\n

What \u2018Shoulds\u2019 Can Distract Us From<\/h2>\n

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of \u201cshould\u201d in our relationships with ourselves and others?<\/p>\n

To me, \u201cshould\u201d seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud<\/a> would call a \u201cdenial by fantasy\u201d (Freud, 1936). When we \u201cshould\u201d ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things \u201cshould\u201d be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life\u2019s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger<\/a>, and other mixed emotions.<\/p>\n

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that \u201cshould\u201d can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is<\/em>, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of \u201cwhat should be,\u201d we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.<\/p>\n

If You Want Help with \u2018Shoulds\u2019<\/h2>\n

If you find your thinking dominated by \u201cshould,\u201d try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life \u201cshould\u201d be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with \u201cshoulds.\u201d<\/p>\n

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.<\/p>\n

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into \u201cshoulds.\u201d If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your \u201cshoulds,\u201d I encourage you to work with a therapist<\/a> who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life\u2019s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you \u201cshould\u201d be.<\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http:\/\/istdpinstitute.com\/2013\/perfectionism\/<\/li>\n
  2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence<\/em>. New York: International\u00a0Universities Press.<\/li>\n
  3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition<\/em>, 14: 73-102.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The word \u201cshould\u201d comes up often in therapy, where people often hold themselves and others to unrealistic ideals. Self-examination may help guide your path. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2977,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,547,392,235,383],"class_list":["post-31802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-compassion","tag-self-criticism","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-love"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31802","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2977"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31802"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31802\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31802"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31802"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31802"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}