{"id":31802,"date":"2016-05-04T08:00:18","date_gmt":"2016-05-04T15:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31802"},"modified":"2016-05-03T15:15:19","modified_gmt":"2016-05-03T22:15:19","slug":"should-this-should-that-learning-to-embrace-what-is","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/should-this-should-that-learning-to-embrace-what-is-0504165","title":{"rendered":"\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShould\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 This, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShould\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 That: Learning to Embrace What Is"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"NorthAs a therapist, I hear the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety<\/a>, a precipitous drop in self-esteem<\/a>, or a sudden crying jag: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I should be over this by now!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/em><\/p>\n

What is it about \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll try to answer those questions. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d-ing.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 as Aspirations and Values<\/h2>\n

Psychology<\/a> thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud<\/a> (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ego ideal,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153north star\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwe can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d In this example from my own life, the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d came from a place of self-love<\/a> and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u009d became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate<\/a> myself with?<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 as Self-Punishments<\/h2>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I should have known better!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I shouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have done that!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?<\/p>\n

When we \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d ourselves in this way, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should be able to touch your north star\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif you had paddled hard enough, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be there by now!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.<\/p>\n

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153perfectionists.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d In perfectionism<\/a>, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become <\/em>ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ego ideal.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Sadly, self-criticism<\/a> and varying levels of anxiety and depression<\/a> usually ensue.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 in Relationships<\/h2>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should stand up for me!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should know how I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m feeling!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/em><\/p>\n

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.<\/p>\n

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should be more like \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d essentially translates to, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You should not be you!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to like that.<\/p>\n

What \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Can Distract Us From<\/h2>\n

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in our relationships with ourselves and others?<\/p>\n

To me, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud<\/a> would call a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153denial by fantasy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Freud, 1936). When we \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger<\/a>, and other mixed emotions.<\/p>\n

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is<\/em>, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153what should be,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.<\/p>\n

If You Want Help with \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcShoulds\u00e2\u20ac\u2122<\/h2>\n

If you find your thinking dominated by \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shoulds.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.<\/p>\n

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shoulds.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shoulds,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I encourage you to work with a therapist<\/a> who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d be.<\/p>\n

References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http:\/\/istdpinstitute.com\/2013\/perfectionism\/<\/li>\n
  2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence<\/em>. New York: International\u00c2\u00a0Universities Press.<\/li>\n
  3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition<\/em>, 14: 73-102.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    The word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153should\u00e2\u20ac\u009d comes up often in therapy, where people often hold themselves and others to unrealistic ideals. Self-examination may help guide your path. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2977,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,547,392,235,383],"class_list":["post-31802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-compassion","tag-self-criticism","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-love"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31802","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2977"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31802"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31802\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31802"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31802"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31802"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}