{"id":31288,"date":"2016-04-28T06:00:42","date_gmt":"2016-04-28T13:00:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31288"},"modified":"2016-04-27T15:13:52","modified_gmt":"2016-04-27T22:13:52","slug":"how-to-handle-an-argument-with-your-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-handle-an-argument-with-your-partner-0428164","title":{"rendered":"How to Handle an Argument with Your Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Couple<\/a>Do you and your partner have arguments that go round and round and seem like they recycle the same information over and over?<\/p>\n

Max: Didn’t I tell you the reason I told your mother \u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

Melinda: No, that is not the reason you said at the time. If you had said what you’re saying now, I would have handled it differently. I don’t understand how you could change things so much.<\/em><\/p>\n

Max: Why do you keep insisting I said something I never said? What I said was \u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

And so on.\u00a0Some of these back-and-forths can take weeks to stop recycling themselves.<\/p>\n

Why does this happen? And more to the point, what can be done about it?<\/p>\n

What\u2019s Behind the Arguing?<\/h2>\n

Human beings were built to connect with one another. In being connected, we chase away a sense of being alone. Connection, of course, requires us to\u00a0understand one another. Ironically and unfortunately, we can feel most alone when we are with someone who does not understand us.<\/p>\n

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Arguments such as the one Max and Melinda are having are attempts\u2014however unsuccessful\u2014to repair damage and connect, finally. The arguments are doomed to fail because of the way the participants go about it, but that is not what’s important to consider right now. What is important, I think, is these people desperately want to connect, as evidenced by the amount of energy they put into their conflict.<\/p>\n

Another important piece here is that Max and Melinda want to connect on their own terms. This is not because they are selfish<\/a> or controlling<\/a>, but because they don\u2019t know another way.<\/p>\n

What Are They Doing Wrong?<\/h2>\n

Do you ever notice how, in a heated argument, no one involved is really listening? Each person is desperately trying to get a point across at the same time the other person is doing the exact same thing.<\/p>\n

How can they possibly expect to meet somewhere in the middle? They don’t know what the other person is talking about, let alone how to reconnect and resolve the issue.<\/p>\n

Why does it seem as if what they really want is to win<\/em>? And where does winning get them, exactly?<\/p>\n

People who have learned to argue like this have, like most of us, at one point or another been made to feel small or ashamed. As much as they want to connect, they don\u2019t want to lower themselves\u2014by \u201closing\u201d the argument, by being \u201cwrong\u201d\u2014in the process.<\/p>\n

What Can They Do About It?<\/h2>\n

A necessary ingredient for a successful exchange in which two people may see things differently is to make sure the other person feels emotionally safe.<\/p>\n

Think about it: if Max and Melinda are quite certain they will get bashed, blamed, or somehow made to feel small or stupid, they likely will continue in attack\/defense mode. But if each makes clear, repeatedly, that no matter how difficult it becomes they will avoid hurting the other in any way, then the chances of a round-and-round thing decrease dramatically.<\/p>\n

Here are some things they need to be careful of:<\/p>\n