{"id":31215,"date":"2016-04-21T06:00:11","date_gmt":"2016-04-21T13:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31215"},"modified":"2017-10-10T12:14:08","modified_gmt":"2017-10-10T19:14:08","slug":"5-co-parenting-tips-for-newly-divorced-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/5-co-parenting-tips-for-newly-divorced-parents-0421164","title":{"rendered":"5 Co-Parenting Tips for Newly Divorced Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>\"Father<\/a>Any divorcing parent knows that one of the hardest parts of a marital ending is feeling forced to stay connected to someone you don\u2019t particularly want to see or spend time with. Not all co-parenting situations are toxic\u2014in fact, many couples find parenting<\/a> is easier after they have separated\u2014but the adjustment to parenting separately can be tricky for anyone.<\/p>\n

Children<\/a> can be one of the biggest stressors on a marriage<\/a>, and even when that marriage ends, the co-parenting relationship maintains its own level of stress<\/a>. Once your custody has been set, you may be faced with all sorts of issues and circumstances that challenge you to reflect on your parenting strategies. Among your considerations: how best to cope with your ex as you figure out what this new relationship means and how it\u2019s supposed to go.<\/p>\n

Productive co-parenting isn\u2019t about following any particular formula. Each couple has their own unique dynamic, story, and situation that needs to be worked out in a way that serves the context of that family. However, there are techniques, strategies, and practices that can improve both the co-parenting dynamic and each partner\u2019s experience of that relationship.<\/p>\n

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In my work with divorce<\/a>, my focus is almost always on what each individual can work on within themselves. I encourage couples and individuals to refrain from trying to change or control their partners, and to focus on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors instead. Based on that philosophy, here are five strategies you can use to improve your co-parenting relationship that are completely within your control.<\/p>\n

1. Use Empathy and Your Child\u2019s Perspective<\/h2>\n

Having compassion for an ex can be hard when there has been betrayal, hurt, or rejection<\/a>, but this is an essential component to co-parenting well. Seeing the situation through your child\u2019s eyes will help you drop down into your heart, and it may give you a different perspective as you deal with your ex. Children simply want to feel loved, safe, and to spend time with their parents, so if you can make your main intention to help them in these respects, you\u2019ll be co-parenting from a compassionate place. As you co-parent, remember it\u2019s more about your child than you, and stepping into that place of empathy will be a good reminder. No matter how much you struggle with your ex, your children are always the priority.<\/p>\n

2. Set Clear Boundaries and Maintain Structure<\/h2>\n

From the minute your marriage ended, your marital relationship shifted into something different, but you may still be engaging in old dynamics. Many of the ways you interacted with your ex in marriage are no longer appropriate or necessary, and a lack of good boundaries may make it even harder to transition into a new way of relating. Becoming clear about what works for you as you move forward untangling the relationship may help you set healthy boundaries. This includes how your children are picked up, whether your ex has a key to the house, and what kind of contact there is when you have the kids. Your boundaries may be violated, but it\u2019s still important to communicate them.<\/p>\n

3. Relinquish Control and Accept What\u2019s Happening<\/h2>\n

There may be things you don\u2019t approve of when it comes to your ex\u2019s parenting style, or how they spend time with the kids. You may also feel differently about introducing a new partner or dating when it comes to parenting time. The reality is that more often than not you have no say over how your ex decides to live. Unless the situation is dangerous or neglectful, you need to learn to accept and let go of your need to control what happens in your absence. Instead of trying to control or change what\u2019s happening, learn to let go, accept, and work with it as best you can. This is one of the hardest consequences of co-parenting, but also the one thing that can really reduce unnecessary stress.<\/p>\n

4. Maintain Your Values and Live from Integrity<\/h2>\n

No matter how frustrated or annoyed you feel about co-parenting with your ex, maintaining your integrity and sticking to your values<\/a> is essential. It\u2019s easy to get pulled into ugly dynamics or engage in bad behavior when your buttons are pushed, but keeping your cool and staying true to yourself will feel better than reacting. It can help to make a list of the traits and qualities you want to uphold as you co-parent. These might include patience, kindness<\/a>, respect, and\/or grace. These are hard to stick to when you are dealing with someone who doesn\u2019t have the same agenda, but rising above and taking the high road will be better for you and your kids.<\/p>\n

5. Enjoy Your Time Off<\/h2>\n

Many parents spend the whole time they don\u2019t have their children worrying<\/a> and waiting for them to come back. It\u2019s hard to not see your children half the time, but this alone time can be considered a silver lining. The more you take care of yourself by using that time to reboot and replenish, the better you\u2019ll be for your children when you have them. Try practicing self-care<\/a>, spending time with friends, exercising, or just having quiet time. All of these forms of self-support may lead to a greater sense of happiness<\/a>, and you\u2019ll have more space for caregiving and for dealing with your ex.<\/p>\n

Learning to co-parent well is a growth-promoting process. You gain skills in negotiating, compromising, as well as stretching your internal capacities for compassion<\/a>, patience<\/a>, and empathy<\/a>. All aspects of divorce can be used to transform the self, so making co-parenting another arena for becoming a better person may shift your focus and intention as you manage this challenging part of the process.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Your marriage may have ended, but parenting is for life. Here are five post-divorce strategies for healthy and successful co-parenting with your ex.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2580,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,395,393,51,25],"class_list":["post-31215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-divorce","tag-family-problems","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2580"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31215"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31215\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}