{"id":31104,"date":"2016-04-22T08:00:11","date_gmt":"2016-04-22T15:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31104"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:35:19","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:35:19","slug":"were-living-a-lie-im-out-as-gay-but-my-partner-isnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/living-a-lie-im-out-as-gay-but-my-partner-isnt","title":{"rendered":"We’re Living a Lie: I’m ‘Out’ as Gay, but My Partner Isn’t"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hear your frustration coming through loud and clear and it is totally understandable. You’ve been out to everyone for over two decades and feel deeply liberated by it. You know you’d like to celebrate your love<\/a> and commitment<\/a> to your partner publicly, but instead you feel pressured to speak about nonexistent women you are dating. The contrast between how you and he are living your lives could not be more stark. Since you are also sharing your lives, there is bound to be discomfort for each of you as you try to bring the other over into your way of being.<\/p>\n

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This is a deeply complicated issue and one that is threatening not just to your relationship but also to each of your identities<\/a>. You identify as a proud and out gay man, and this relationship is pushing you back into the \u201ccloset\u201d to a degree.<\/p>\n

This is a deeply complicated issue and one that is threatening not just to your relationship but also to each of your identities. You identify as a proud and out gay man, and this relationship is pushing you back into the \u201ccloset\u201d to a degree.<\/span><\/p>\n

Although American society has made progress over the past 30 years with regard to LGBT<\/a> rights and acceptance\u2014legally marrying your partner, for instance, was impossible until relatively recently\u2014there is no question that discrimination<\/a> and stigma<\/a>\u00a0are\u00a0still problematic for many. Perhaps a large part of your partner’s identity is connected to his work, and if coming out costs him his work, he may feel like he is losing a large part of himself. This may be creating a power struggle in your relationship as you each try to hold on to your identities. Even if that’s not the case, it is clear this situation creates discomfort for you in your relationship.<\/p>\n

Considering the depth of these issues, partnering with a couples therapist could be invaluable for the two of you. Through couples work, you could each explore these identity issues and how they impact your relationship. Engaging in the process together might offer an opportunity for each of you to develop a stronger sense of empathy<\/a> for the other’s position.<\/p>\n

If your partner is unwilling to go to therapy with you, you can engage in your own therapy<\/a> to explore some of these issues and have the support of a therapeutic relationship<\/a> as you try to figure out what you would like to do to feel more at peace.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,<\/p>\n

Sarah<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2396,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,234,25,41],"class_list":["post-31104","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-lgbt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31104","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2396"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31104"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31104\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31104"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31104"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31104"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}