{"id":31010,"date":"2016-03-30T08:00:29","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T15:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=31010"},"modified":"2016-03-29T13:48:01","modified_gmt":"2016-03-29T20:48:01","slug":"is-your-relationship-close-intimate-both-or-neither","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/is-your-relationship-close-intimate-both-or-neither-0330165","title":{"rendered":"Is Your Relationship Close, Intimate, Both, or Neither?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/two-women-intimate-conversation.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-31048\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-31048 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/two-women-intimate-conversation.jpg\" alt=\"Female couple converses intimately on sofa\" width=\"507\" height=\"337\" data-id=\"31048\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/two-women-intimate-conversation.jpg 507w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/two-women-intimate-conversation-300x199.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 507px) 100vw, 507px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>As an intimacy and sexology scholar, I witness couples painfully share their sense of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/loneliness\">loneliness<\/a> in what is supposed to be a happy, fulfilling, shared life.<\/p>\n<p>Couples may not always know how to define <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/intimacy\">intimacy<\/a>, but they can definitely feel something missing from their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationships<\/a>. They may sleep in the same bed, shower in the same bathroom, eat similar foods, and raise the same kids, but somehow, they feel lonely and disconnected from each other.<\/p>\n<p>Nancy L. Collins and Brooke C. Feeney, authors of the chapter \u201cAn Attachment Theory Perspective on Closeness and Intimacy\u201d in the text <a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/1UKt2BF\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\">Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy<\/a>, cite exclusive definitions for closeness and intimacy.\u00a0<div class=\"greyBorderDiv right amazonAffiliate\">This page contains at least one affiliate link for the Amazon Services\n\tLLC Associates Program, which means GoodTherapy.org receives financial compensation if you make a purchase using an Amazon link.<\/div><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Closeness<\/strong> refers to \u201cthe degree to which relationship partners are cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally interdependent with one another. By interdependent, we mean the degree to which partners\u2019 lives are deeply intertwined such that partners influence one another\u2019s outcomes and rely on one another for the fulfillment of important social, emotional, and physical needs.\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Intimacy <\/strong>refers to \u201ca special class of social interactions in which one partner expresses self-relevant feelings and information and, as a result of the other partner\u2019s responsiveness and positive regard, the individual comes to feel understood, validated, and cared for.\u201d Intimacy includes verbal sharing, physical touch, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/sex-and-sexuality\">sexual engagement<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You may find yourselves managing life together but not necessarily diving into the deeper realm of emotional transparency, physical affection, and sexual pleasure.<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" \/>\n\t\t\t<input type=\"hidden\" name=\"search[concern_treated]\" value=\"69\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\">Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<p>When I help people develop healthy levels of intimacy, I remind them that intimacy is not an end goal. Intimacy is a shared moment. It will come and it will go.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">Our work is not to hold a death grip on intimacy but simply to create an abundance of intimate moments.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In fact, intimacy can feel so intense at times that I believe we need to step away from deeply intimate moments or else we might not put our best attention toward other important life tasks. Our work is not to hold a death grip on intimacy but simply to create an abundance of intimate moments.<\/p>\n<p>In their definition of intimacy, Collins and Feeney note that a partner\u2019s responsiveness and positive regard are elements of an intimate dynamic. Lack of intimacy may directly connect to a history of poor responsiveness.<\/p>\n<p>Questions you may want to consider about your relationship include:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Do we regard each other as good people?<\/li>\n<li>Do we have each other\u2019s best interests at heart?<\/li>\n<li>Do we trust each other with our innermost thoughts and feelings?<\/li>\n<li>Do we listen to each other attentively?<\/li>\n<li>Do we take care of each other emotionally, physically, and sexually?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>If you answered \u201cno\u201d to any of these questions, you may not feel entirely safe and secure in your relationship. You may fear <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/rejection\">rejection<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/abandonment\">abandonment<\/a>, or even a loss of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/identity-issues\">identity<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/self\">self<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Research tells us our adult romantic relationships are tied to our early primary <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/attachment\">attachments<\/a> as infants. When you consider the questions above, how closely do your responses mirror relationships from your early childhood years? With your parents? With caregivers?<\/p>\n<p>Building a solid, stable, loving, long-term, committed relationship takes work. You are a complex human being, comprised of many dimensions that influence how you show up as a romantic partner.<\/p>\n<p>Know that with thoughtful, consistent effort, you can develop a richer, more connected relationship. Start with answering the questions above. Let them guide you into a deeper conversation with your partner.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Reference: <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Aron, A., &amp; Mashek, D. (Eds., 2004). <em>Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy<\/em>. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Knowing the difference between closeness and intimacy can guide your relationship toward deeper connection. Start by asking yourself these five questions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2905,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,561,25,559,41],"class_list":["post-31010","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-couples-marriage-counseling","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-modes","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31010","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2905"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31010"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31010\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31010"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31010"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31010"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}