{"id":30847,"date":"2016-03-14T08:00:02","date_gmt":"2016-03-14T15:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=30847"},"modified":"2017-06-06T09:18:06","modified_gmt":"2017-06-06T16:18:06","slug":"can-i-grieve-if-nobody-died","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/can-i-grieve-if-nobody-died-0314165","title":{"rendered":"Can I Grieve If Nobody Died?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/woman-consoling-friend.jpg\" rel=\"attachment wp-att-30908\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-30908 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/woman-consoling-friend-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"Woman comforts sad friend on bench\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" data-id=\"30908\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/woman-consoling-friend-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/woman-consoling-friend.jpg 507w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a>Anyone who has lost somebody they <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/love\">love<\/a> will likely\u00a0agree the death of someone close usually causes a deep and painful <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/grief\">grieving<\/a> process.<\/p>\n<p>The people you care about typically\u00a0validate these losses, understand they cause pain, and offer comfort and support. They don\u2019t always give you what you need, but many\u00a0at least try.<\/p>\n<p>But what about a loss in which nobody died? Does it count as grief?<\/p>\n<p>There are many examples of loss that don\u2019t necessarily involve death, such as:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Loss of a career you cherished<\/li>\n<li>Loss of a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/role\">role<\/a> you played in your community or church<\/li>\n<li>Loss of health<\/li>\n<li>A loss of closeness to a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/what-is-family\">family<\/a> member or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/friendship\">friend<\/a><\/li>\n<li>A decline in financial status<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/divorce\">Divorce<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>It may be hard to imagine going through one of the above experiences without feeling the pain of loss\u2014also known as grief. If you experience similar circumstances, you may find yourself asking for support and not getting it. Others may not understand the magnitude of your pain, so they don\u2019t validate your loss. Of course, people who have lost someone to death get disappointing responses, too, but experiencing a loss that doesn\u2019t involve a death may feel like you\u2019re doing it all on your own without the support of peers or loved ones.<\/p>\n<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist for Grief<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" \/>\n\t\t\t<input type=\"hidden\" name=\"search[concern_treated]\" value=\"44\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\">Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n<h2><strong>An Example of a Non-Death Loss<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>I have a friend who worked for 30 years at the same company. He loved his work and was admired for his kind, helpful demeanor, his <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/intelligence\">intellect<\/a>, and his ability to get things done under pressure. His coworkers loved him, and his <span class=\"popout-quote-right\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: right;\">Of course, people who have lost someone to death get disappointing responses, too, but experiencing a loss that doesn\u2019t involve a death may feel like you\u2019re doing it all on your own without the support of peers or loved ones.<\/span>superiors promoted him. He woke up every day with enthusiasm and a sense of purpose. Then, his company decided to move.<\/p>\n<p>He was offered the opportunity to move with them, but his mother had <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/dementia\">dementia<\/a> and lived with him, and his grown son and grandchildren lived near him. If he moved, he would disrupt his mother\u2019s life and be far from his family. He chose not to move with the\u00a0company.<\/p>\n<p>For the next five years, he tried to find a career that offered the same <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/life-purpose\">sense of purpose<\/a> and camaraderie he\u2019d experienced, but never found it. At night, he\u2019d lay awake missing the people he worked with and the experience of feeling useful. He finally admitted to himself it was time to retire.<\/p>\n<p>Retirement brought another period of questioning his purpose and more time to think about his losses. Then, his mother died and his son and grandkids moved out of state. To say my friend was grieving is an understatement.<\/p>\n<h2><strong>5\u00a0Tips for Those Experiencing Grief and Loss<\/strong><\/h2>\n<p>What can you do when you experience losses like these to help yourself feel better? Here are some ideas that might help:<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Name and validate your own emotions.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Acknowledging the story of the pain by writing down what happened can sometimes be a reality check that helps you see you aren\u2019t flawed, but that your circumstances are difficult. One of the most common responses to emotional pain I see is the belief that there must be something wrong with us if we feel so bad. But big <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\">emotions<\/a> will come with big experiences. Acknowledging the importance of the loss and giving yourself a break may\u00a0help you recover.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Be kind to yourself.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Engage in calming or distracting activities such as\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/meditation\">meditation<\/a>, do physical exercise that you enjoy, or engage in a connecting conversation with a friend. All these activities not only take your mind off the pain, but offer you a positive experience instead. Positive experiences can work to rewire your brain toward a more <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/optimism\">optimistic<\/a> and hopeful focus.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Remind yourself of that which makes you grateful. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Making a daily practice of noticing what we\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/gratitude\">grateful<\/a> for helps orient us toward what is already working. The more you think about what is good, the more good you\u2019ll likely find. The brain\u2019s natural tendency is to focus on what isn\u2019t working because you\u2019ve been programmed that way through evolution. Instead, make note of what is good when faced with those grief-drenched days that feel certain to be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/sadness\">sad<\/a> and heavy. It doesn&#8217;t\u00a0have to be limited to big things: the tangy smell of a fresh lemon, your two hands that do so much for you and others, that songbird singing outside your window. Putting your attention on these kinds of small, wondrous experiences can go a long way toward healing after a painful loss.<\/p>\n<p><strong> 4. Engage in positive self-talk.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s important you not get caught up in blaming yourself or identifying your character \u201cdefects\u201d as part of your grief process. Some people naturally gravitate toward self-blame when something goes wrong. Even if there was something you could have done, you\u2019re human like the rest of us. You deserve the same <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/kindness\">kindness<\/a> and understanding you would offer a friend. Be careful you don\u2019t make things worse by inflicting negative messages on yourself. Chances are excellent you don\u2019t deserve them, and they\u2019ll only make you feel worse.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5. Talk to somebody who\u2019s a good listener.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you have a best friend or family member who\u2019s a good listener, you can engage them in some meaningful conversations about your pain. If they grow weary of listening or you\u2019re not quite getting what you need, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/gratitude\">talk to a therapist<\/a>, who, in many ways, is a professional listener. Therapists are trained to listen objectively and offer support and guidance that can help you find your way out of the morass. Remember, what you\u2019re experiencing is very real, and you don\u2019t have to go through it alone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>References:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Hanson, R. (2007). Your Wonderful Brain. Retrieved from http:\/\/media.rickhanson.net\/home\/files\/WonderfulBrain1.pdf<\/li>\n<li>Hanson, R. (2007). Seven Facts About the Brain That Incline the Mind to Joy. Retrieved from http:\/\/media.rickhanson.net\/home\/files\/7FactsforJoy.pdf<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The grieving process almost always follows the loss of someone you love, but can you also experience grief and loss after a life event in which no one died?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2995,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[656,31,654,655,25],"class_list":["post-30847","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-and-bereavement","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-grief","tag-loss","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30847","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2995"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30847"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30847\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30847"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30847"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30847"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}