{"id":30758,"date":"2016-02-25T08:00:44","date_gmt":"2016-02-25T16:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=30758"},"modified":"2017-01-03T12:31:26","modified_gmt":"2017-01-03T20:31:26","slug":"i-messages-how-removing-you-can-change-a-conversation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/i-messages-removing-you-can-change-conversation-0225165","title":{"rendered":"‘I’ Messages: How Removing ‘You’ Can Change a Conversation"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"twoAssertive communication is a style of speaking in which the goal is to take care of your needs while also showing the other party mutual respect. An important form of assertive communication is known as \u201cI\u201d messages or “I” statements<\/a>.\u00a0\u201cI\u201d messages clearly state what you want in a way that someone will understand and, more importantly, not get defensive. When people are defensive, they may\u00a0get angry<\/a>, accusatory, or ignore parts of what you are saying.<\/p>\n

When you use \u201cI\u201d messages, you focus\u00a0on your personal interpretation. Your experience is harder to argue with because it\u2019s yours and yours alone. Someone might not agree with how you interpreted a behavior<\/a>, but they are less likely to feel personally attacked by you expressing the experience as your own. As a result, \u201cI\u201d messages tend to reduce the likelihood of someone feeling criticized and may increase their likelihood of changing a behavior.<\/p>\n

Roll your cursor over the text below (or click if you’re using a mobile device) to see examples of complete “I” messages:<\/p>\n

I feel state feeling<\/span> when state the behavior<\/span> because state why<\/span>. I would prefer we state preference or replacement behavior<\/span>.<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

How \u2018I\u2019 Messages Work<\/strong><\/h2>\n

An emotion<\/a> is one word. If you say, \u201cI feel like you aren\u2019t listening to me,\u201d that\u2019s not a\u00a0feeling.\u00a0Feelings may include: anger, frustration, confusion, guilt<\/a>, encouragement, gratitude<\/a>, happiness<\/a>\u2014you get the point. When you begin a conversation with \u201cI feel\u201d and then express an emotion, you are putting your perspective first.\u00a0This reminds the person you are talking to that this is how you feel and not about what they did to you.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>Once you have expressed the emotion you are feeling, describe what happened. Try to avoid saying \u201cyou\u201d whenever possible. Again, this is about keeping the other person\u2019s defenses down. Instead of saying, \u201cI feel frustrated when you<\/em> leave the dishes in the sink,\u201d say, \u201cI feel frustrated when I see dishes in the sink.\u201d As\u00a0another example, instead of, \u201cI feel left out when you make plans without asking me,\u201d try, \u201cI feel left out when I\u2019m not included in plan making.\u201d<\/p>\n

After you get the feeling and specific behavior down, you will want to explain why the behavior made you feel that way. This helps the person you are speaking to better understand why it\u2019s so important. It might sound something like this: \u201cI feel left out when I\u2019m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n

Finally, provide a suggestion to take the guesswork out of what you need in the future. Using the last example, a replacement behavior might sound like, \u201cI feel left out when I\u2019m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule. I would prefer if you could send\u00a0me an email before committing to our friends.\u201d Sometimes there might not be an immediate solution, but even saying, \u201cCan we talk about this further?\u201d can be a good start.<\/p>\n

The opposite of an \u201cI\u201d message is a \u201cyou\u201d message.\u00a0\u201cYou\u201d messages often sound accusatory and tend to put people on the defensive. As soon as someone hears \u201cyou,\u201d preparing for an attack is a common reaction. The goal of \u201cI\u201d messages is to diffuse that possibility, and instead enable a more meaningful discussion.<\/p>\n

Here are some examples of \u201cyou\u201d messages versus \u201cI\u201d messages:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u201d message:<\/strong> \u201cYou are always making me late for the movies!\u201d
\n\u201cI\u201d message:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cI feel anxious<\/a> when I\u2019m late for the movies because I want to make sure we get a good seat.\u00a0Is there something I can help with to get us out earlier?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u201d message:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cYou never remember to pick up the mail when you come in.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u201d message:<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cI feel worried when we don\u2019t have the mail at night because I want to make sure we don\u2019t miss anything important. Could you please grab it when you come in tomorrow?\u201d<\/p>\n

Finally, it is important to remember that when using assertive communication there is no guarantee you will \u201cI\u201d messages will only increase the chances of getting something you want, but they often won\u2019t get you everything you want.<\/span>actually get the new behavior from the other person. \u201cI\u201d messages will only increase the chances of getting something you want, but they often won\u2019t get you everything you want. In that last example, the person could easily say, \u201cMy hands are full when I come home so I tend to forget the mail. Could you get it instead?\u201d That response is presumably preferable to the \u201cGet off my back. I\u2019m tired after work!\u201d that you might be used to.<\/p>\n

The true goal for utilizing \u201cI\u201d messages is to improve your overall communication<\/a> to one of mutual respect and increase your confidence when speaking about touchy subjects. \u201cI\u201d messages take practice, so be patient with yourself as you get the hang of it. Over time, you will hopefully notice a reduction in petty arguments, criticism, and defensive reactions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“I” messages or “I” statements\u2014an important tool in assertive communication\u2014can help get your needs met while also showing the other party mutual respect.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2993,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,387,25],"class_list":["post-30758","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30758","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2993"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30758"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30758\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30758"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30758"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30758"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}