{"id":30749,"date":"2016-03-11T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-03-11T16:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=30749"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:34:01","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:34:01","slug":"what-kind-of-counseling-should-i-seek-for-my-adult-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/what-kind-of-counseling-should-i-seek-for-my-adult-child","title":{"rendered":"What Kind of Counseling Should I Seek for My Adult Child?"},"content":{"rendered":"

First, thanks for writing. Second, I\u2019m sorry to hear about your travails; I can only imagine the exhausting and frightening roller-coaster you have been riding. Finally, this may or may not surprise you, but even as a therapist I can relate to your question, \u201cWhat kind of therapy is best?\u201d I recently read an article by a newly licensed and overwhelmed therapist who said there are something like 200-plus \u201cmodalities\u201d for therapists to choose from. It seems every other day someone is inventing a new approach to this, that, and the other. One research study says this approach is solid, the next one says the opposite. No wonder you\u2019re confused!<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist for Addiction<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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Fortunately, clarity can be found, because ultimately any good therapist<\/a>\u2014in my experience\u2014is there to answer the question, \u201cWhat is most helpful or healing for this particular person at this particular time<\/em>?\u201d Nearly all research studies come to the common conclusion that a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship<\/a> is central to a helpful treatment. If someone has a viscerally strong response for or against one of my recommendations, my job is not to call this \u201cresistance\u201d but rather to listen, explore, and learn what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n

So, point one: Is the therapist you\u2019re talking to listening to you, as an individual, <\/em>not a generic \u201canxious client\u201d or \u201cparent of an addicted child,\u201d etc.?<\/p>\n

In general, human beings prefer certainty to ambiguity, but offering too much certainty as a therapist is misleading and maybe even unethical<\/a>. No one has a \u201clock\u201d on what to do for sure. <\/em>Now, practical suggestions can be helpful and reassuring. A common \u201ctip\u201d a therapist might offer someone in your situation might be to attend Al-Anon meetings. It certainly couldn\u2019t hurt to try the program. There is much to be gained, even if it ultimately isn\u2019t a good fit. (I\u2019ll return to Al-Anon in a minute.) Other suggestions, such as \u201cTake care of yourself<\/em>\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t enable the addicted person\u201d or \u201cDetach with love\u201d are a little more problematic, because although they might sound <\/em>good, but what do they mean for you and your loved one, in this particular case, with whatever circumstances are happening at that time<\/em>?<\/p>\n

What if a person grew up in a family where setting certain types of boundaries, or stating one\u2019s needs or limitations, drew traumatizing emotional fire? Are they being weak for not \u201cspeaking up\u201d or \u201casserting their needs\u201d? Trauma<\/a> tells us something is still prohibited or dangerous, in the present, since we are wired for self-protection and safety above all. This is where self-help gives way to psychology<\/a>, to empathic understanding and exploration of a person\u2019s experiences, beliefs, and needs. Some parents may tell me, \u201cNot giving my addicted child money feels like I\u2019m killing them.\u201d It would be easy for me to wave this off and urge them to withhold\u2014\u201cHey, it\u2019s for their own good\u201d\u2014but, again, that might be overly simplistic.<\/p>\n

I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust is essential.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist<\/a> who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize<\/a> and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust<\/a> is essential. One litmus test is, can you give the therapist feedback on what is or isn\u2019t helpful and how does the therapist handle it? If they become defensive or claim it\u2019s all your \u201cresistance,\u201d I say move on sooner rather than later.<\/p>\n

Other factors you\u2019ll want to look for: experience with addiction<\/a> as it affects families; knowledge of treatment options (including local or community support groups besides or in addition to Al-Anon, and an understanding of Al-Anon, come to think of it!); and a patient but persistent curiosity about your experience. If it seems like a lot to ask, it may be; but to be honest, so what? Addiction is a merciless, complicated issue\u00a0(some prefer to say \u201cdisease,\u201d others don\u2019t); it takes a lot from people and asks a lot from families, so it stands to reason people in therapy will, at least some of the time, need a lot from their therapists. It comes with the territory.<\/p>\n

I also suggest you try at least two or three therapists to get a sense of different styles and so forth. This is not uncommon, and it makes a lot of sense.<\/p>\n

Finally, a word on Al-Anon. Some swear by it, others say \u201cstay away at all costs.\u201d I think any rigid position is potentially harmful. I think trying it is a good idea. (It is also good role modeling for your child, who may not be so keen on attending meetings at first but may ultimately find them essential.) Try a few different meetings; attending one and disliking it is common, but no two meetings are the same and some fit better than others. Some are turned off by the spiritual<\/a> talk, others aren\u2019t. I suggest you take what you like and leave the rest. At the least, it allows people in your position to share their experience in a communal setting, offer practical ideas on what has worked and what hasn\u2019t, and may possibly provide support for those, like you, who are overwhelmed and beleaguered. Addiction is a hurricane, and everyone in its path suffers.<\/p>\n

I think it is terrific that you are seeking support. That shows a humility and inner wisdom that should be nurtured and supported by the right provider. Sometimes, what people need most is a sense of hope<\/a>. There is no shame in seeking or wanting this. Yes, sugarcoating or fantasy can be dangerous, but so can hard-edged \u201crealism,\u201d since the truth is we just don\u2019t know what will happen from one day to the next. It is a day at a time for all of us, therapists included.<\/p>\n

Thank you for writing, and best of luck to you in your search.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[447,522,141,51,25],"class_list":["post-30749","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30749","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30749"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30749\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30749"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30749"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30749"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}