First, thanks for writing. Second, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry to hear about your travails; I can only imagine the exhausting and frightening roller-coaster you have been riding. Finally, this may or may not surprise you, but even as a therapist I can relate to your question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What kind of therapy is best?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I recently read an article by a newly licensed and overwhelmed therapist who said there are something like 200-plus \u00e2\u20ac\u0153modalities\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for therapists to choose from. It seems every other day someone is inventing a new approach to this, that, and the other. One research study says this approach is solid, the next one says the opposite. No wonder you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re confused!<\/p>\n
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Fortunately, clarity can be found, because ultimately any good therapist<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201din my experience\u00e2\u20ac\u201dis there to answer the question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What is most helpful or healing for this particular person at this particular time<\/em>?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Nearly all research studies come to the common conclusion that a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship<\/a> is central to a helpful treatment. If someone has a viscerally strong response for or against one of my recommendations, my job is not to call this \u00e2\u20ac\u0153resistance\u00e2\u20ac\u009d but rather to listen, explore, and learn what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on.<\/p>\n So, point one: Is the therapist you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re talking to listening to you, as an individual, <\/em>not a generic \u00e2\u20ac\u0153anxious client\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153parent of an addicted child,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d etc.?<\/p>\n In general, human beings prefer certainty to ambiguity, but offering too much certainty as a therapist is misleading and maybe even unethical<\/a>. No one has a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153lock\u00e2\u20ac\u009d on what to do for sure. <\/em>Now, practical suggestions can be helpful and reassuring. A common \u00e2\u20ac\u0153tip\u00e2\u20ac\u009d a therapist might offer someone in your situation might be to attend Al-Anon meetings. It certainly couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hurt to try the program. There is much to be gained, even if it ultimately isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a good fit. (I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll return to Al-Anon in a minute.) Other suggestions, such as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Take care of yourself<\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t enable the addicted person\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Detach with love\u00e2\u20ac\u009d are a little more problematic, because although they might sound <\/em>good, but what do they mean for you and your loved one, in this particular case, with whatever circumstances are happening at that time<\/em>?<\/p>\n What if a person grew up in a family where setting certain types of boundaries, or stating one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s needs or limitations, drew traumatizing emotional fire? Are they being weak for not \u00e2\u20ac\u0153speaking up\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153asserting their needs\u00e2\u20ac\u009d? Trauma<\/a> tells us something is still prohibited or dangerous, in the present, since we are wired for self-protection and safety above all. This is where self-help gives way to psychology<\/a>, to empathic understanding and exploration of a person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s experiences, beliefs, and needs. Some parents may tell me, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not giving my addicted child money feels like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m killing them.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It would be easy for me to wave this off and urge them to withhold\u00e2\u20ac\u201d\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s for their own good\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut, again, that might be overly simplistic.<\/p>\n I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust is essential.<\/span><\/p>\n I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist<\/a> who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize<\/a> and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust<\/a> is essential. One litmus test is, can you give the therapist feedback on what is or isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t helpful and how does the therapist handle it? If they become defensive or claim it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153resistance,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I say move on sooner rather than later.<\/p>\n Other factors you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll want to look for: experience with addiction<\/a> as it affects families; knowledge of treatment options (including local or community support groups besides or in addition to Al-Anon, and an understanding of Al-Anon, come to think of it!); and a patient but persistent curiosity about your experience. If it seems like a lot to ask, it may be; but to be honest, so what? Addiction is a merciless, complicated issue\u00c2\u00a0(some prefer to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153disease,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d others don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t); it takes a lot from people and asks a lot from families, so it stands to reason people in therapy will, at least some of the time, need a lot from their therapists. It comes with the territory.<\/p>\n I also suggest you try at least two or three therapists to get a sense of different styles and so forth. This is not uncommon, and it makes a lot of sense.<\/p>\n Finally, a word on Al-Anon. Some swear by it, others say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153stay away at all costs.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I think any rigid position is potentially harmful. I think trying it is a good idea. (It is also good role modeling for your child, who may not be so keen on attending meetings at first but may ultimately find them essential.) Try a few different meetings; attending one and disliking it is common, but no two meetings are the same and some fit better than others. Some are turned off by the spiritual<\/a> talk, others aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. I suggest you take what you like and leave the rest. At the least, it allows people in your position to share their experience in a communal setting, offer practical ideas on what has worked and what hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, and may possibly provide support for those, like you, who are overwhelmed and beleaguered. Addiction is a hurricane, and everyone in its path suffers.<\/p>\n