{"id":30248,"date":"2016-01-25T08:00:27","date_gmt":"2016-01-25T16:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=30248"},"modified":"2017-07-26T10:32:10","modified_gmt":"2017-07-26T17:32:10","slug":"are-shame-and-fear-keeping-you-from-living-authentically","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/are-shame-and-fear-keeping-you-from-living-authentically-0125165","title":{"rendered":"Are Shame and Fear Keeping You from Living Authentically?"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>\"Ladder<\/a>One of my favorite writers, fellow social worker Bren\u00c3\u00a9 Brown, has dedicated years researching vulnerability and all those other seemingly ugly things\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsuch as shame<\/a> and fear<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat get in our way of becoming our best selves. Vulnerability, in particular, gets a bad rap. Although it seems unappealing at best and hurts like hell at worst, vulnerability is a prerequisite when it comes to living a life of authenticity and intimacy.<\/p>\n

As a writer, I often put myself \u00e2\u20ac\u0153out there\u00e2\u20ac\u009d at the risk of being rejected<\/a>, criticized<\/a>, and judged. (Surprise\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthree of my least favorite things!) As a therapist, I ask the people I work with in the therapy room to do the same\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat is, if their goal is to create deeper intimacy<\/a> in their lives. Brown\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s work has forced me to turn the mirror on myself and find out how shame and the fear of being vulnerable are holding me back from being the best writer (and therapist, friend, sister, partner, etc.) I can be.<\/p>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important to note the difference between guilt<\/a>, the feeling of regret<\/a> for one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s actions, and its more pervasive counterpart, shame, the feeling that we, at our core, are not good enough, inadequate<\/a>, less than, and undeserving.<\/p>\n

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In her book Daring Greatly<\/a>, Brown speaks of the little \u00e2\u20ac\u0153gremlins,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or the negative<\/a> messages we give ourselves (often external sources internalized), and how, in a twist of self-fulfilling fate, those negative gremlins sometimes end up showing up all around us. For example, the old friend you made back when you were in a dark place (when you could keep each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s misery company) who expects you to be the same you and attacks you when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not. (Tip: It may be time to de-friend that friend.) Or the colleague who resents<\/a> your achievements and thus feels the need to put you down to lift himself or herself up. (Reminder: It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not you, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s him\/her!) And, finally, one of the worst creations to have come from modern technology\u00e2\u20ac\u201dso-called Internet trolls. (What less courageous<\/a> way to express yourself than to anonymously and publicly bully<\/a>\/shame someone brave enough to put themselves out there?)<\/p>\n

The title of Brown\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s book is inspired from Theodore Roosevelt\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Citizenship in a Republic\u00e2\u20ac\u009d speech, in which he states: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the critic who counts. \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If you are going to criticize someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s work or behavior, Brown suggests, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d better be in the arena, bloody and sweaty and fighting right along with that person.<\/p>\n

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better?<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to add that if you feel the need to criticize, do so openly and with respect. Or better yet, as my mother used to say, if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have anything nice to say, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say anything at all.<\/p>\n

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better? How many voices and gifts would we have missed out on if those who were brave enough to dare allowed the naysayers to shut them down?<\/p>\n

I speak to myself as I struggle to allow myself to even write this piece as, you can be sure, my own gremlins are hard at work. But, like Brown, I will walk the walk and put my words into the ether regardless of how vulnerable it may make me. Because ultimately, I do aspire to a life lived with authenticity and intimacy\u00e2\u20ac\u201dno matter how much it may hurt. The alternative is just not an option. So, bring it on.<\/p>\n

I dare and encourage you to do the same.<\/p>\n

What are some things that shame and fear are preventing you from achieving?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Living a life of authenticity and intimacy means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Shame and fear, whether from external or internal sources, hold us back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2676,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,390,25,111],"class_list":["post-30248","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-fear","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-shame"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30248","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2676"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30248"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30248\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30248"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30248"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30248"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}