{"id":29992,"date":"2015-12-07T08:00:12","date_gmt":"2015-12-07T16:00:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29992"},"modified":"2017-06-30T15:40:59","modified_gmt":"2017-06-30T22:40:59","slug":"why-toughen-up-doesnt-cut-it-with-children-and-teens","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-toughen-up-doesnt-cut-it-with-children-and-teens-1207155","title":{"rendered":"Why \u2018Toughen Up\u2019 Doesn\u2019t Cut It with Children and Teens"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-30061 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/children-running-on-beach-300x198.jpg\" alt=\"Group of children run along a beach\" width=\"300\" height=\"198\" data-id=\"30061\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/children-running-on-beach-300x198.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/children-running-on-beach.jpg 729w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>So often when I ask people in my therapy office (mostly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/child-and-adolescent-issues\">children and teens<\/a>) to brainstorm strategies for coping with certain difficult situations, the initial answer I get is something along the lines of \u201cI need to toughen up,\u201d \u201cI need to just deal with it,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve got to be a man.\u201d The difficult situation itself could be a disagreement with a sibling, a problem with a peer, or an uncomfortable issue\u00a0with a teacher at school.<\/p>\n<p>Children pick up these quick-fix mantras from a variety of places\u2014television, school, peers, and parents among them. When a child gets emotional, often the quick, easy fix is to say,\u00a0\u201ctoughen up,\u201d especially when whatever caused the child to be upset seems minor. The message is clear:\u00a0<em>Let\u2019s move on, kid, because we\u2019ve got things to do and worrying about this doesn\u2019t fit into my schedule.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Is there anything wrong with that? What, if any, damage is done when a child is told to \u201ctoughen up\u201d? Let\u2019s break down the ripple effect this type of response has on a child\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/psyche\">psyche<\/a> over time.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Five minutes later:<\/strong> The child feels minimized. The situation that caused the initial reaction has been left unresolved. The child may be thinking he or she is dumb or weak for bringing up the situation in the first place. He or she may also <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/resentment\">resent<\/a> the person who instructed the child to \u201cjust deal with it\u201d because that person doesn\u2019t seem to care.\u00a0<div class=\"content-fatwidget align-right\">\n\t<h2><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\" target=\"_blank\">Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t<form action=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/search-redirect.html\" method=\"get\">\n\n\t\t\t<input required name=\"search[zipcode]\" placeholder=\"Enter ZIP or City\" class=\"inline-input\" type=\"text\" \/>\n\n\n\t\t\t<input type=\"submit\" name=\"TOS agreement\" value=\" \" class=\"inline-btn\" title=\"Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Submit Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" \/>\n\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/advanced-search.html\" title=\"Advanced Search\" onclick=\"ga('send', 'event', 'FAT Widget', 'Advanced Search', 'Sidebar', {nonInteraction: true});\" >Advanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div><\/li>\n<li><strong>Five months later:<\/strong> The child hesitates to mention a problem when it occurs, fearing the reprimand of not being \u201ctough enough.\u201d This teaches the child to \u201cstuff\u201d <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\">emotions<\/a> instead of verbalizing them and learning to process them. Acting out may increase as the uncomfortable emotions aren\u2019t dealt with promptly. For their part, the adults in the child\u2019s life may not understand what is causing the unwelcome behaviors. If an adult attempts to discuss the child\u2019s emotions, the child may resist and have increasing difficulty sharing those emotions because he or she has been taught to ignore them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Five years later:<\/strong> The child\u2014perhaps now a teenager or young adult\u2014has a difficult time <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/empathy\">empathizing<\/a> with others about their emotions because he or she expects others to \u201ctoughen up\u201d or \u201cdeal with it\u201d when something doesn\u2019t go their way. The child may be more likely to perpetuate the belief that many emotionally difficult situations should be ignored.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The biggest problem with telling a child to toughen up is that it undermines true resilience, which is learned by experiencing adversity or uncomfortable feelings, processing why they occur, and learning new and more positive ways to reframe those situations.<\/p>\n<p>There is, of course, something to be said for \u201cletting go\u201d of certain minor situations that are upsetting. However, that needs to come from within the child\u00a0and not from the belief that\u00a0getting upset by something means there is something wrong with him or her.<\/p>\n<h2>Why \u2018Being a Man\u2019 Isn&#8217;t All It&#8217;s Cracked Up to Be<\/h2>\n<p>Finally, a note about boys who think they need to \u201cbe a man\u201d when something doesn\u2019t go their way: The children I see in my practice who use phrases such as this are, in my experience, more likely to be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/aggression-violence\">aggressive<\/a> in the responses they give others.<\/p>\n<p>Aside from what it suggests about being a woman, the phrase \u201cbe a man\u201d has a sense of machismo associated with it that indicates a need to be strong and aggressive. In today\u2019s world, acting on this impulse (at school, for example) may lead to discipline problems and resolves few. It perpetuates <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/stereotype\">stereotypes<\/a>\u00a0many boys may not feel they fill as adults and reduces the likelihood they will <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/find-therapist.html\">seek help for emotional or mental health concerns<\/a> because \u201cbeing a man\u201d means ignoring those feelings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The message children and teens often receive is that they should &#8220;toughen up&#8221; and stuff their uncomfortable emotions. That message undermines true resilience.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2902,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,21,51,25],"class_list":["post-29992","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29992","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29992"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29992\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29992"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29992"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29992"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}