{"id":29858,"date":"2015-12-18T08:00:44","date_gmt":"2015-12-18T16:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29858"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:26:56","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:26:56","slug":"how-can-we-convince-my-sister-to-dump-her-loser-boyfriend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-can-we-convince-my-sister-to-dump-her-loser-boyfriend","title":{"rendered":"How Can We Convince My Sister to Dump Her Loser Boyfriend?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hear your love<\/a> and concern for your sister. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love make choices you believe are harmful. Unfortunately, they are her choices. You will not get anywhere with your sister if you lecture her about the choices she is making. Letting her know (directly or indirectly) you think her boyfriend is a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153loser\u00e2\u20ac\u009d will most likely only serve to distance her from you and strengthen her bond to him. It also makes it less likely she would confide in you if she did have misgivings about her relationship<\/a> or her choices; nobody wants to hear \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I told you so\u00e2\u20ac\u009d from anyone, particularly family.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

At 19, your sister is technically an adult. You characterize her behavior as stubborn. That feeling may be contributing to a dynamic that makes her believe you and your parents don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t respect her, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see her as a capable adult, and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand her needs. Given that dynamic, of course she isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going to listen to you. She may insist on sticking to her (destructive) choices just to prove her independence. As long as you continue to approach her with opposition, little is likely to improve. Also, even if you were successful in \u00e2\u20ac\u0153getting rid\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of the boyfriend, that is no guarantee her life choices would improve.<\/p>\n

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend?<\/span><\/p>\n

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend? Let her know you aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t trying to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153meddle\u00e2\u20ac\u009d; you are just trying to understand her choices. Lead from a place of love and compassion<\/a>, not judgment and fear<\/a>. You can also ask her if she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be willing to engage in family therapy<\/a> with you and your parents to see about changing your family dynamic, independent of the boyfriend.<\/p>\n

The drug use<\/a> is absolutely a concern. Not only are there potential physical, financial, and legal ramifications for what she is doing, but emotionally, it is likely distancing her more from you and your parents and connecting her more to her boyfriend as well as impacting her ability to make effective choices. Working with a family therapist and an addiction<\/a> specialist (with or without your sister) can help you identify some effective intervention strategies. Attending a Nar-Anon<\/a> meeting could also shed some light (again, with or without your sister).<\/p>\n

Best of luck,
\nErika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,141,393,81,25,27],"class_list":["post-29858","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-family-problems","tag-family-therapy","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29858","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29858"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29858\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29858"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29858"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29858"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}