{"id":29811,"date":"2015-11-16T08:00:33","date_gmt":"2015-11-16T16:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29811"},"modified":"2015-12-14T09:05:08","modified_gmt":"2015-12-14T17:05:08","slug":"what-youre-not-saying-when-you-ask-if-your-partner-is-angry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/what-youre-not-saying-when-you-ask-if-your-partner-is-angry-1116155","title":{"rendered":"What You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re Not Saying When You Ask If Your Partner Is Angry"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PortraitSeveral minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fall Fun Festival,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I could tell something wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you mad at me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and walked out the door to run some errands.<\/p>\n

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way\u00e2\u20ac\u201dme probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mad, but he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not TELLING me he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he tell me how he feels?<\/em><\/p>\n

There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on for you right now? You look angry\u00e2\u20ac\u009d). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_relationships_right]<\/p>\n

Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds.<\/strong> While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions<\/a> is after the intensity of the moment has passed.<\/li>\n
  2. Check in with yourself about how you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re feeling in the moment.<\/strong> Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad<\/a>? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed<\/a>, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood<\/a> is impacting you and the relationship<\/a>. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.<\/li>\n
  3. Assume your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity.<\/strong> The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    It took a long time for me to find the words to say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hey, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m feeling really distant from you right now. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a lonely<\/a>, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhether he was actually angry<\/a> at me or feeling a variety of other ways.<\/p>\n

    If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When you think your partner is mad at you, there’s nothing wrong with checking in about what he or she is feeling. But be sure to check in with yourself, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2962,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[231,31,387,25,41],"class_list":["post-29811","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29811","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2962"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29811"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29811\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29811"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29811"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29811"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}