{"id":29811,"date":"2015-11-16T08:00:33","date_gmt":"2015-11-16T16:00:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29811"},"modified":"2015-12-14T09:05:08","modified_gmt":"2015-12-14T17:05:08","slug":"what-youre-not-saying-when-you-ask-if-your-partner-is-angry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/what-youre-not-saying-when-you-ask-if-your-partner-is-angry-1116155","title":{"rendered":"What You\u2019re Not Saying When You Ask If Your Partner Is Angry"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PortraitSeveral minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a \u201cFall Fun Festival,\u201d I could tell something wasn\u2019t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. \u201cAre you mad at me?\u201d I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, \u201cNo, it\u2019s fine,\u201d and walked out the door to run some errands.<\/p>\n

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way\u2014me probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he\u2019s mad, but he\u2019s not TELLING me he\u2019s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can\u2019t he tell me how he feels?<\/em><\/p>\n

There\u2019s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (\u201cWhat\u2019s going on for you right now? You look angry\u201d). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that\u2019s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.<\/p>\n

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Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:<\/p>\n

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  1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds.<\/strong> While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions<\/a> is after the intensity of the moment has passed.<\/li>\n
  2. Check in with yourself about how you\u2019re feeling in the moment.<\/strong> Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad<\/a>? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what\u2019s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn\u2019t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed<\/a>, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood<\/a> is impacting you and the relationship<\/a>. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.<\/li>\n
  3. Assume your partner\u2019s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity.<\/strong> The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    It took a long time for me to find the words to say, \u201cHey, I\u2019m feeling really distant from you right now. It\u2019s a lonely<\/a>, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.\u201d It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience\u2014whether he was actually angry<\/a> at me or feeling a variety of other ways.<\/p>\n

    If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When you think your partner is mad at you, there’s nothing wrong with checking in about what he or she is feeling. But be sure to check in with yourself, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2962,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[231,31,387,25,41],"class_list":["post-29811","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29811","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2962"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29811"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29811\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29811"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29811"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29811"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}