Thank you for your question, which sounds like just about every parent\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nightmare\u00e2\u20ac\u201done that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more common than you might think.<\/p>\n
For me, the key to the answer is in your last two questions. You seem to assume that you did something \u00e2\u20ac\u0153wrong,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d leading to feelings of guilt<\/a>, shame<\/a>, anger<\/a> (at yourselves or each other and\/or your son), and say you want to get your son \u00e2\u20ac\u0153back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I assume you mean the way he was before he took on the appearance of a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153rebel\u00e2\u20ac\u009d from a bad 1950s movie.<\/p>\n He is still the kid you love, still good\u00e2\u20ac\u201djust struggling with something beneath all of that strange and troubling behavior. I would hesitate to conclude he is definitely \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ruining his life\u00e2\u20ac\u009d because I would bet, in the larger context of his life, his behavior probably makes some sense. Most teens go through a rebellious phase, whose aim in part is to annoy or even frighten the living hell out of parents. So I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take the bait completely. Of course this is very concerning and needs to be investigated, and consequences are crucial (provided they are communicated clearly and enforced consistently), but something tells me \u00e2\u20ac\u0153tough love\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or drawing a line in the sand may only alienate him. The trick is reaching to connect with the kid behind all this behavior (fighting, smoking) that also keeps his teenage need for individuation<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0and autonomy in mind. Not the easiest relational dance by any means, which is why the teen years can be very difficult indeed, and why a good school counselor or family therapist<\/a> can help.<\/p>\n [fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n Seeing this as a family problem<\/a>, not his <\/em>problem or your <\/em>problem, is key. Drawing in teachers and school counselors is good, as is including the parents of the other \u00e2\u20ac\u0153troublemakers\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he runs with. Something is attracting him to this crowd; what is it?<\/p>\n And again, what was happening before? Was he a good student? Fortunately, this is all happening now more or less under your roof, which tells me this is in part a communication to you\u00e2\u20ac\u201da rebellious, perhaps angry communication at that. As if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m making my own rules, got it?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d But what might be happening in the family dynamic such that he feels compelled to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153say\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and do these things? And why isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he fearful of consequences? The compulsion to do these things, which includes numbing or distancing from certain thoughts and feelings, means whatever feelings he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s pushing away and expressing via behavior are more powerful than the fear of going off track in school and developing \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shady\u00e2\u20ac\u009d friends.<\/p>\n Why might he identify with these friends, incidentally? Try to really put yourself in his shoes and forget black\/white, right-and-wrong thinking. The harder you push for \u00e2\u20ac\u0153the right side\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of the line, the more he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll likely stand on the other side and dig in. Welcome to the teen years. But keep in mind this may be the only way he knows how to express whatever is happening inside him, probably inexpressible.<\/p>\n Of course your concerns are understandable, given his behavior at school and his alarming drug\/alcohol use. Yes, many teens experiment with booze and pot, but in this case 15 is pretty early for him to be using it in such a casual way (as opposed to sneaking a beer or joint with friends at a concert). Again, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s as if he wants you to know about it, as it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s happening, right under your nose.<\/p>\n In some cases, children have tried to be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153good\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for so long that this goodness becomes a burden, often privately felt, leading to a swing in the opposite direction. Or there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an anxiety or hurt that drugs and booze cover up. Could your son find some rebellious expression in arenas besides pot\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsuch as music, drama, filmmaking, sports, etc.? Something assertively geeky or super cool where he can stand out and feel good about himself? Teens want to be cool and feel cool, in all ways, be it computer programming or punk rock. These other kids he hangs with make him feel cool, though I wonder why he has embraced this particular incarnation. Of course, many of our greatest innovators were rebels; the challenge is finding an outlet that is free from self-destruction and liberates\/transcends rather than medicates the difficult emotions of adolescence. (It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s difficult for parents, too!) It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likely that underneath all this tough-guy stuff is fear<\/a> and\/or anxiety<\/a>. It sounds like you may be anxious also, which is why you need to be a role model of calm. Anxiety is contagious throughout a family \u00e2\u20ac\u0153system.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good that he wants to feel cool and have friends; what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not cool is that his current behavior will lead him nowhere positive in the long run.<\/p>\n Has your son demonstrated an interest in anything previously that might provide for his self-expression? Anything creative rather than destructive? Can you or a counselor or teacher help him find such a direction? Anything that can \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hook\u00e2\u20ac\u009d his interest can help him find a way back into engagement with school, such as a magnet school for music or technology, for instance. Volunteer work, too. Karate. Photography. Fly fishing. Think outside the box; offer him incentives for trying something new. Maybe his dad or grandpa or someone could even try doing it with him for the first time or two. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d bet he has an untapped passion.<\/p>\n You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t acceptable to you both. Make sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.<\/span><\/p>\n And now, consequences. I imagine you have leverage, since he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s 15 and, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m presuming, approaching driving age. He\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll want driving lessons, need car insurance, and so on. Here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s where you get to be loving but firm parents and decide what is and isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t acceptable. Anything less than a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153B\u00e2\u20ac\u009d average, for example, means no driving. Missing a curfew means no car (and possibly phone) for the next __ days. Drinking and driving means no car keys for the next __ months, minimum, and the loss of other privileges (social media, etc.).<\/p>\n You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t acceptable to you both. Make sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both on the same page<\/em>. The calmer you are in general, the safer he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love<\/a> if and after the other ideas flop.<\/p>\n Usually a child his age struggles with developmental challenges. He may not be completely comfortable talking to you about them, which isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t your fault. Is there a school counselor or teacher who can get involved? What do these folks, probably seasoned observers of teens, think might be happening? What about the parents of his pals?<\/p>\n Does your son have an uncle or grandpa, some adult he trusts, who can spend some time with him and help him open up about what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s going on? Can they go to a movie or a ballgame? It takes a village, as they say, and parents are often the wrong messengers for the right message because of the rebellion factor. Also, children need to complain and gripe about their folks a bit; sometimes \u00e2\u20ac\u0153delinquency\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is a kind of grandiose, covered-up lament or expression of hurt feelings that they feel can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be expressed any other way.<\/p>\n What do the parents of these \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bad influences\u00e2\u20ac\u009d have to say? The more communication<\/a> among all of you, the better. You need to know where your son is, within reason, and to let him and his friends know that caring eyes are watching.<\/p>\n Also, what is your own attitude toward drinking and drug use (including pills)? That may have some bearing on your son, if you or your husband tip too far toward rigidity or looseness; at any rate, his drinking and smoking is a symptom of something deeper, but neither is helpful to his development if overdone.<\/p>\n It would be interesting to reflect upon how and when the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153old version\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of your son changed, and what may have been going on in the overall context of his life. We all change. But was there any big change? New neighborhood, new school, the loss of a girlfriend? If he is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, why? What might be causing anxiety, worry<\/a>, or other troublesome feelings? Is he worried about dating, college, becoming a man? I think it is important to remember he is still the boy you love, struggling as manhood fast approaches. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a confusing world, and teens are bombarded with all kinds of conflicting messages. Personal identity questions around freedom, autonomy, and self-expression are all being worked out, often awkwardly, as a new \u00e2\u20ac\u0153family\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of peers is developed. Again, the calmer you are\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand the less your emotional security is dependent on his behavior\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthe better.<\/p>\n Also, what bothers you <\/em>about this behavior? Are you concerned you or others will deem yourself a parental \u00e2\u20ac\u0153failure\u00e2\u20ac\u009d? Are you imagining the worst\u00e2\u20ac\u201di.e., he is headed for the penitentiary if this doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop yesterday? Are you already preparing the care package you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take to the visiting center, where he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be waiting in an orange jumpsuit? Try not to panic<\/a>, as this may alienate him and scare him off. I know many productive, happy adults who went through a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153dark period\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in their teens. In fact, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s better to get it out of the way now. He could also be testing you, to see how far he can go before losing (or not) your love of him. The trick as parents is loving the child without necessarily condoning certain behavior. Easier said than done. But he is and will always be your boy (even if he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t express it that way). Often in the mid- to late twenties, there is a period of reconciliation where kids, now adults, realize how hard adult life really is.<\/p>\n Finally, the most important point of all, which may sound somewhat counterintuitive (but here goes): Take care of yourself. <\/em>One thing parents forget, and I include myself here, is that we are most of all role models for our children, even when they act like we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re invisible (or annoying). Sometimes, our children will \u00e2\u20ac\u0153counter-identify,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d meaning they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll take on the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153reverse\u00e2\u20ac\u009d identity of a parent, to distinguish themselves as different. Your son\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior is communicating something important to you, most likely unconsciously; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good idea to try to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153decode\u00e2\u20ac\u009d what he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s trying to say. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no harm in some family therapy to seek some help<\/a> in this.<\/p>\n Children often bridle at the implication that they are responsible for their parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 emotional well-being. This only decreases and constrains the very freedom they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re itching to define. Of course parents get upset or angry or anxious when a child is in trouble\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s normal\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m talking about something more profound, a core, existential sense of OK-ness. Parents who feel, consciously or not, that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcperformance\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 is a direct reflection of my own core worthiness\u00e2\u20ac\u009d are setting themselves up for trouble.<\/p>\n I like the concept from recovery programs of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153attraction, not promotion.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You want to provide an attraction to a peaceful sense of stability, calm, and strength which you personally embody<\/em>. Not pounce and pick apart all of his behavior, which will only make him defensive and\/or angry. In a way, you and his dad are the guardrails for safety, in deed and not just word. The guardrail needs to be flexible but not breakable, solid but not overly foreboding (or flimsy). Our children provoke our own need to grow and stretch as a person, and again there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no shame in getting help. This might include therapy, Al-Anon<\/a>, or a parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 support group so you can learn from others\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhich would also be good role modeling for him. And any non-pressured family time, in whatever form (movies, ballgames, let him choose), will hopefully cultivate unity.<\/p>\n