{"id":29703,"date":"2015-12-11T08:00:22","date_gmt":"2015-12-11T16:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29703"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:26:43","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:26:43","slug":"help-is-it-time-for-some-tough-love-with-our-teenage-son","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-is-it-time-for-some-tough-love-with-our-teenage-son","title":{"rendered":"Help! Is It Time for Some ‘Tough Love’ with Our Teenage Son?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your question, which sounds like just about every parent\u2019s nightmare\u2014one that\u2019s more common than you might think.<\/p>\n

For me, the key to the answer is in your last two questions. You seem to assume that you did something \u201cwrong,\u201d leading to feelings of guilt<\/a>, shame<\/a>, anger<\/a> (at yourselves or each other and\/or your son), and say you want to get your son \u201cback.\u201d I assume you mean the way he was before he took on the appearance of a \u201crebel\u201d from a bad 1950s movie.<\/p>\n

He is still the kid you love, still good\u2014just struggling with something beneath all of that strange and troubling behavior. I would hesitate to conclude he is definitely \u201cruining his life\u201d because I would bet, in the larger context of his life, his behavior probably makes some sense. Most teens go through a rebellious phase, whose aim in part is to annoy or even frighten the living hell out of parents. So I wouldn\u2019t take the bait completely. Of course this is very concerning and needs to be investigated, and consequences are crucial (provided they are communicated clearly and enforced consistently), but something tells me \u201ctough love\u201d or drawing a line in the sand may only alienate him. The trick is reaching to connect with the kid behind all this behavior (fighting, smoking) that also keeps his teenage need for individuation<\/a>\u00a0and autonomy in mind. Not the easiest relational dance by any means, which is why the teen years can be very difficult indeed, and why a good school counselor or family therapist<\/a> can help.<\/p>\n

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Seeing this as a family problem<\/a>, not his <\/em>problem or your <\/em>problem, is key. Drawing in teachers and school counselors is good, as is including the parents of the other \u201ctroublemakers\u201d he runs with. Something is attracting him to this crowd; what is it?<\/p>\n

And again, what was happening before? Was he a good student? Fortunately, this is all happening now more or less under your roof, which tells me this is in part a communication to you\u2014a rebellious, perhaps angry communication at that. As if he\u2019s saying, \u201cI\u2019m making my own rules, got it?\u201d But what might be happening in the family dynamic such that he feels compelled to \u201csay\u201d and do these things? And why isn\u2019t he fearful of consequences? The compulsion to do these things, which includes numbing or distancing from certain thoughts and feelings, means whatever feelings he\u2019s pushing away and expressing via behavior are more powerful than the fear of going off track in school and developing \u201cshady\u201d friends.<\/p>\n

Why might he identify with these friends, incidentally? Try to really put yourself in his shoes and forget black\/white, right-and-wrong thinking. The harder you push for \u201cthe right side\u201d of the line, the more he\u2019ll likely stand on the other side and dig in. Welcome to the teen years. But keep in mind this may be the only way he knows how to express whatever is happening inside him, probably inexpressible.<\/p>\n

Of course your concerns are understandable, given his behavior at school and his alarming drug\/alcohol use. Yes, many teens experiment with booze and pot, but in this case 15 is pretty early for him to be using it in such a casual way (as opposed to sneaking a beer or joint with friends at a concert). Again, it\u2019s as if he wants you to know about it, as it\u2019s happening, right under your nose.<\/p>\n

In some cases, children have tried to be \u201cgood\u201d for so long that this goodness becomes a burden, often privately felt, leading to a swing in the opposite direction. Or there\u2019s an anxiety or hurt that drugs and booze cover up. Could your son find some rebellious expression in arenas besides pot\u2014such as music, drama, filmmaking, sports, etc.? Something assertively geeky or super cool where he can stand out and feel good about himself? Teens want to be cool and feel cool, in all ways, be it computer programming or punk rock. These other kids he hangs with make him feel cool, though I wonder why he has embraced this particular incarnation. Of course, many of our greatest innovators were rebels; the challenge is finding an outlet that is free from self-destruction and liberates\/transcends rather than medicates the difficult emotions of adolescence. (It\u2019s difficult for parents, too!) It\u2019s likely that underneath all this tough-guy stuff is fear<\/a> and\/or anxiety<\/a>. It sounds like you may be anxious also, which is why you need to be a role model of calm. Anxiety is contagious throughout a family \u201csystem.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s good that he wants to feel cool and have friends; what\u2019s not cool is that his current behavior will lead him nowhere positive in the long run.<\/p>\n

Has your son demonstrated an interest in anything previously that might provide for his self-expression? Anything creative rather than destructive? Can you or a counselor or teacher help him find such a direction? Anything that can \u201chook\u201d his interest can help him find a way back into engagement with school, such as a magnet school for music or technology, for instance. Volunteer work, too. Karate. Photography. Fly fishing. Think outside the box; offer him incentives for trying something new. Maybe his dad or grandpa or someone could even try doing it with him for the first time or two. I\u2019d bet he has an untapped passion.<\/p>\n

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn\u2019t acceptable to you both. Make sure you\u2019re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he\u2019ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.<\/span><\/p>\n

And now, consequences. I imagine you have leverage, since he\u2019s 15 and, I\u2019m presuming, approaching driving age. He\u2019ll want driving lessons, need car insurance, and so on. Here\u2019s where you get to be loving but firm parents and decide what is and isn\u2019t acceptable. Anything less than a \u201cB\u201d average, for example, means no driving. Missing a curfew means no car (and possibly phone) for the next __ days. Drinking and driving means no car keys for the next __ months, minimum, and the loss of other privileges (social media, etc.).<\/p>\n

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn\u2019t acceptable to you both. Make sure you\u2019re both on the same page<\/em>. The calmer you are in general, the safer he\u2019ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love<\/a> if and after the other ideas flop.<\/p>\n

Usually a child his age struggles with developmental challenges. He may not be completely comfortable talking to you about them, which isn\u2019t your fault. Is there a school counselor or teacher who can get involved? What do these folks, probably seasoned observers of teens, think might be happening? What about the parents of his pals?<\/p>\n

Does your son have an uncle or grandpa, some adult he trusts, who can spend some time with him and help him open up about what\u2019s going on? Can they go to a movie or a ballgame? It takes a village, as they say, and parents are often the wrong messengers for the right message because of the rebellion factor. Also, children need to complain and gripe about their folks a bit; sometimes \u201cdelinquency\u201d is a kind of grandiose, covered-up lament or expression of hurt feelings that they feel can\u2019t be expressed any other way.<\/p>\n

What do the parents of these \u201cbad influences\u201d have to say? The more communication<\/a> among all of you, the better. You need to know where your son is, within reason, and to let him and his friends know that caring eyes are watching.<\/p>\n

Also, what is your own attitude toward drinking and drug use (including pills)? That may have some bearing on your son, if you or your husband tip too far toward rigidity or looseness; at any rate, his drinking and smoking is a symptom of something deeper, but neither is helpful to his development if overdone.<\/p>\n

It would be interesting to reflect upon how and when the \u201cold version\u201d of your son changed, and what may have been going on in the overall context of his life. We all change. But was there any big change? New neighborhood, new school, the loss of a girlfriend? If he is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, why? What might be causing anxiety, worry<\/a>, or other troublesome feelings? Is he worried about dating, college, becoming a man? I think it is important to remember he is still the boy you love, struggling as manhood fast approaches. It\u2019s a confusing world, and teens are bombarded with all kinds of conflicting messages. Personal identity questions around freedom, autonomy, and self-expression are all being worked out, often awkwardly, as a new \u201cfamily\u201d of peers is developed. Again, the calmer you are\u2014and the less your emotional security is dependent on his behavior\u2014the better.<\/p>\n

Also, what bothers you <\/em>about this behavior? Are you concerned you or others will deem yourself a parental \u201cfailure\u201d? Are you imagining the worst\u2014i.e., he is headed for the penitentiary if this doesn\u2019t stop yesterday? Are you already preparing the care package you\u2019ll take to the visiting center, where he\u2019ll be waiting in an orange jumpsuit? Try not to panic<\/a>, as this may alienate him and scare him off. I know many productive, happy adults who went through a \u201cdark period\u201d in their teens. In fact, it\u2019s better to get it out of the way now. He could also be testing you, to see how far he can go before losing (or not) your love of him. The trick as parents is loving the child without necessarily condoning certain behavior. Easier said than done. But he is and will always be your boy (even if he doesn\u2019t express it that way). Often in the mid- to late twenties, there is a period of reconciliation where kids, now adults, realize how hard adult life really is.<\/p>\n

Finally, the most important point of all, which may sound somewhat counterintuitive (but here goes): Take care of yourself. <\/em>One thing parents forget, and I include myself here, is that we are most of all role models for our children, even when they act like we\u2019re invisible (or annoying). Sometimes, our children will \u201ccounter-identify,\u201d meaning they\u2019ll take on the \u201creverse\u201d identity of a parent, to distinguish themselves as different. Your son\u2019s behavior is communicating something important to you, most likely unconsciously; it\u2019s a good idea to try to \u201cdecode\u201d what he\u2019s trying to say. There\u2019s no harm in some family therapy to seek some help<\/a> in this.<\/p>\n

Children often bridle at the implication that they are responsible for their parents\u2019 emotional well-being. This only decreases and constrains the very freedom they\u2019re itching to define. Of course parents get upset or angry or anxious when a child is in trouble\u2014that\u2019s normal\u2014but I\u2019m talking about something more profound, a core, existential sense of OK-ness. Parents who feel, consciously or not, that \u201cmy child\u2019s \u2018performance\u2019 is a direct reflection of my own core worthiness\u201d are setting themselves up for trouble.<\/p>\n

I like the concept from recovery programs of \u201cattraction, not promotion.\u201d You want to provide an attraction to a peaceful sense of stability, calm, and strength which you personally embody<\/em>. Not pounce and pick apart all of his behavior, which will only make him defensive and\/or angry. In a way, you and his dad are the guardrails for safety, in deed and not just word. The guardrail needs to be flexible but not breakable, solid but not overly foreboding (or flimsy). Our children provoke our own need to grow and stretch as a person, and again there\u2019s no shame in getting help. This might include therapy, Al-Anon<\/a>, or a parents\u2019 support group so you can learn from others\u2014which would also be good role modeling for him. And any non-pressured family time, in whatever form (movies, ballgames, let him choose), will hopefully cultivate unity.<\/p>\n

Finally, the National Institute on Drug Abuse has a page for parents on teens<\/a>. There are other good resources for parents on the Internet also.<\/p>\n

Thanks for writing, and warmest wishes to you and your family.
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[21,522,141,393,421,51,25],"class_list":["post-29703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-family-problems","tag-oppositional-defiant-behavior-in-children-teens","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29703","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29703"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29703\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}