{"id":29663,"date":"2015-10-28T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2015-10-28T13:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29663"},"modified":"2024-05-14T17:24:27","modified_gmt":"2024-05-14T21:24:27","slug":"8-mindful-ways-to-deal-with-your-unpleasant-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/8-mindful-ways-to-deal-with-your-unpleasant-feelings-1028154","title":{"rendered":"8 Mindful Ways to Deal with Your Unpleasant Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapyOne of the principal aspects of mindfulness<\/a> is acceptance of one\u2019s experience in the present moment. This practice has numerous mental health benefits\u2014but as you may have realized, it is easier said than done. When our experience is pleasant, it is easy for us to accept it; if our experience is unpleasant, we naturally want to reject it.<\/p>\n

Why would we want to stay with unpleasant feelings? Humans naturally try to repress<\/a>, distract from, project<\/a>, or employ other defense mechanisms<\/a> in order to not feel what is unpleasant. This obviously has degrees, and the more painful an experience is, the harder our systems work to get it out of our consciousness<\/a>. So here we are, told that we need to “be with our experience,” yet our natural tendency is to run away from it. What to do?<\/p>\n

The good news is that as we develop our capacity to be with our experience, it becomes easier. It’s much like going to the gym: initially it is very hard and we resist it, but the more we train, the easier it gets and the more we actually want to do it. When we begin to sense and feel the benefits of being with ourselves, we naturally begin to do it without as much effort.<\/p>\n

Here are some\u00a0ways to make the process easier:<\/p>\n

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1. Start Exactly Where You Are<\/h2>\n

This is probably the most important aspect of being able to be with our experience. As much as we might like to, we simply cannot bypass our experience and be in an idealized place we think we should<\/em> be. To work with any internal state, we have to be exactly where we are.<\/p>\n

For example, we may be feeling a difficult emotion<\/a> such as disgust, but then may also have a strong reaction to the disgust. We have to work with the reaction<\/em> before we can really focus on the disgust. If we try to bypass the reaction by saying something like, \u201cI need to accept my disgust,\u201d then we are missing our reactivity. And that is the first layer we need to be with.<\/p>\n

2. Allow Rather Than Accept<\/h2>\n

Similar to the previous point, we cannot force our acceptance of something; we can only have a disposition or attitude toward it. If we are feeling something difficult and telling ourselves, \u201cI need to accept it,\u201d we likely won\u2019t be able to do it.<\/p>\n

In a way, acceptance happens on its own and in its own time. The best we can do is try our best to allow: we allow the fact we don\u2019t want to accept whatever feelings we have.<\/em> We may say something like, \u201cI don\u2019t like this feeling of sadness<\/a> and I\u2019ll try to be with it, even if I don\u2019t want to feel it.\u201d At the same time, we also allow the fact we don\u2019t like the sadness.<\/p>\n

3. Be Curious<\/h2>\n

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.<\/p>\n

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

One way to develop curiosity is to adopt the attitude of a biologist doing naturalistic observations. A biologist wanting to understand the behaviors of lions in Africa, for instance, has the goal of simply observing the animals in their natural environment without interfering. They would not say, “Oh, this lion should not be eating that gazelle.” Rather, they would patiently observe and record what they notice. If they intervened and tried to distract the lion in order to save the gazelle, they would not be able to see exactly how the lion behaves naturally.<\/p>\n

We can take that same attitude toward our inner landscape. We can notice our emotions, body sensations, and thoughts and not interfere with them.<\/em> We simply notice what we see and try our best to suspend judgment of what should<\/em> be happening. With time and patience<\/a>, we begin to see connections and patterns that reveal a deeper understanding of ourselves.<\/p>\n

4. Ask Questions of Your Internal Experience<\/h2>\n

Sometimes I will feel deep sadness inside and my tendency is to try to make myself feel different. But sometimes, I\u2019ll directly ask my sadness what it needs. \u201cHow can I be with you in the most supportive way?\u201d \u201cWhat do you need?\u201d<\/p>\n

As much I don\u2019t want to feel my experience at times, it is there for a reason\u2014and the more open to understanding it that I am, the greater its chances of truly transforming. If I let my inner experience have a life of its own and honor its needs, it will likely reveal its cause and purpose.<\/p>\n

5. Find Balance Between Challenge and Support<\/h2>\n

There may be times when your inner experience feels unbearable, and observing it directly may be very difficult. At such times, it may not<\/em> be wise to try to stay with it; finding a source of comfort and support may be the better thing to do. This is true particularly if you have trauma<\/a> in your history. In these cases, staying with difficult material may be counterproductive.<\/p>\n

6. Respond with Flexibility<\/h2>\n

We are complex beings, and there is no one formula to dealing with our inner experience. Each time we meet ourselves, something different may be required.<\/p>\n

An important skill we must develop is flexibility of response. At any given moment, any of these tips may be counterproductive, and at another time they may be exactly what we need. With practice, we become more flexible and attuned to what is most supportive at any given moment.<\/p>\n

7. Remember That You Are Only Human<\/h2>\n

As committed as we may be to our inner transformation, we will generally fall short of our expectations. The truth is, the faster we are able to forgive ourselves\u2014to be kind to the parts of us that feel shameful<\/a> and that we can barely tolerate\u2014the more chances for peace we have.<\/p>\n

In addition, being able to let go of the self-improvement project is crucial. The very fact of wanting to improve ourselves implies a rejection of our present-moment experience or circumstances. As much as you are able, try to let go of any ideas of \u201cmaking yourself better\u201d and focus instead on accepting (or allowing) your experience be exactly what it is.<\/p>\n

8. Recognize That Help Is Needed<\/h2>\n

We can’t do this alone; I don’t know anyone who can or has. In my own work, I have a tremendous capacity to fool myself and stay stuck in repetitive patterns for long periods. If it were not for the help and wisdom of others who have helped me in my process, I probably would not be where I am today.<\/p>\n

The sooner we begin to allow others to guide and help us, rather than trying to figure it out on our own, the sooner our inner journey becomes so much easier. If you need help, please seek\u00a0the support of a qualified therapist<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Acceptance of unpleasant feelings doesn’t generally come easily. Here are some ways to approach your emotions mindfully and simply “be” with your experience.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2928,"featured_media":43331,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,391,324,25,27],"class_list":["post-29663","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-mindfulness-based-interventions","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29663","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2928"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29663"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29663\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/43331"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29663"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29663"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29663"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}