{"id":29437,"date":"2015-10-23T08:00:19","date_gmt":"2015-10-23T15:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29437"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:25:31","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:25:31","slug":"help-my-only-friends-are-homophobic-and-dont-know-im-gay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-only-friends-are-homophobic-and-dont-know-i-am-gay","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Only Friends Are Homophobic and Don’t Know I’m Gay"},"content":{"rendered":"

Real friends<\/a> are supportive of one another. You may think that the buddies you hang out with are the ones you need, but I think they are just the ones that are around\u2014friends of convenience more than friends of the heart. Even if they really are good friends in many ways, I hope you\u2019ll be able to find friends you can be real with, as they can be with you.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

These two are not enough for you; you\u2019re not satisfied, nor should you be. It might behoove you to step around a bit, gently challenge your tendency to be alone, reach out, and try to connect with other people. One or two more people to hang with might make a big difference, especially if they are genuine and expect you to simply be yourself. That might sound difficult, and for many introverted<\/a> people, it is indeed difficult. It sounds like you could really benefit from connection, though, and connection does take some effort and perhaps even discomfort. That discomfort is not unique to you; many people struggle with finding people they can click with. There are websites, of course, that try to assist with this, and to minimize any angst involved.<\/p>\n

In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren\u2019t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You\u2019re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.<\/p>\n

In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren\u2019t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You\u2019re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n

How can you find real friends? You say you are shy and introverted and that making friends is difficult; I can feel what that\u2019s like, and it gets lonely sometimes. (On the other hand, the ability to enjoy being alone and introspective can be a gift.) What can you do, though, when you want to hang out with somebody? Some people find a place or a person or a situation where help is needed and then they provide it. They might join an organization devoted to feeding the homeless, for example, and volunteer their services. Or they might join the service society in their school. If you need help, give help, as you\u2019ll probably wind up getting help.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re with people who have a purpose that\u2019s directed outward, and your attention is directed outward too, it is a bit easier to be friendly because you have a common goal, which gives you all something to talk about. Another benefit of a common goal is that it can take everybody\u2019s attention away from themselves and turn the focus instead to an activity that will help them arrive at the goal. This makes many people feel more comfortable, as the situation expands to include much outside of themselves. The idea is to find something that is bigger than yourself, which helps you feel less self-conscious, eventually, and gives you something that bonds you together with others.<\/p>\n

Finding a group that bonds around a common interest can help, too. This interest could be anything\u2014music, chess, old movies, basketball. Look around and you\u2019ll find a place for yourself, or you\u2019ll make a place for yourself and find that others may join you. After all, you\u2019re not the only person feeling shy and introverted; others feel that way, too.<\/p>\n

What you give can be what you get, so my recommendation is to find somebody who needs a friend and be one for that person.<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nLynn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,408,234,25],"class_list":["post-29437","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-isolation","tag-lgbt","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29437","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29437"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29437\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}