{"id":29275,"date":"2015-10-02T08:00:21","date_gmt":"2015-10-02T15:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29275"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:23:52","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:23:52","slug":"help-my-husband-refuses-to-unfriend-a-woman-he-flirted-with","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-husband-refuses-to-unfriend-a-woman-he-flirted-with","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Husband Refuses to Unfriend a Woman He Flirted With"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it hurt your feelings, to say the least, when your husband laughed at your request to remove the woman from his Facebook friends list. I also think that, while your feelings are very understandable, this woman is in some ways a red herring for both of you. My sense is that something is missing from the marriage<\/a> and your feeling undervalued might be there with or without the online classmate. Somehow, his flirtation only exacerbated a feeling of disrespect and devaluing\u2014a big \u201couch\u201d for anyone.<\/p>\n

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First of all, \u201cextremely flirtatious\u201d sounds concerning. From what you saw, did it stray into the sexually explicit? Did they toy with the idea of taking things a step further\u2014\u201cHey, at the next class reunion, you and I will have our own private stroll down memory lane,\u201d or something along those lines? It is hard to make a judgment about this secondhand, though again the important thing is your hurt feelings and the sense of being in second place (yikes). We all want to feel we\u2019re \u201cthe one\u201d with our partner. I also, though, wonder if his leaving it open for you to read was an unconscious communication of a kind, a signal to you that he wants these kinds of conversations with you and not her. An indirect distress call of sorts, or maybe even a protest bordering on the passive-aggressive<\/a>. If this is truly a \u201csecretive\u201d relationship, he\u2019s not being very secretive about it.<\/p>\n

As for marital drift, I can\u2019t tell you how common an issue this is for long-term marriages. Routine and day-to-day security is a double-edged sword: it is comforting, but it can dull our appreciation of who we\u2019re with. We feel secure in knowing what to expect, that our partner is there for us, day in and day out \u2026 and may also begin to wish for something a little more vivid and emotionally satisfying, since our partner is always there<\/em> day in and day out. Routines both soothe and lull us into complacency. Plus, if someone is \u201calways there,\u201d there may be little urgency regarding sex. Sex and physical intimacy<\/a> (touching, cuddling) can wait until later, or the next day, tomorrow, maybe this weekend, next week \u2026 etc. Perhaps, then, this incident is an opportunity to rekindle something. Your husband obviously means a great deal to you, and I have the feeling a little freshness in the romance department could liven things up.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m thinking of at least two things to possibly try, depending on the state of affairs. First, more superficially, you could try something spontaneous that you both find a turn-on, something outside the usual routine\u2014a weekend getaway somewhere you both like, some lingerie or a sexy movie you can watch together (and no, we\u2019re never too old), back rubs, an old role-playing game you haven\u2019t tried in a while. These are just some of the first things that come to mind. Laughter, too, can be sexy. Perhaps you both need a night out at the comedy club, or dance lessons (my wife\u2019s favorite), followed by a nice dinner while sharing memories. There\u2019s also massage: a foot rub with massage lotion can do wonders, taking a bath together with candles, and so on. Again, these are more surface things, but sometimes a little spark is all that\u2019s needed.<\/p>\n

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first\u2014i.e., to \u201cunfriend\u201d her or not\u2014until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other\u2019s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.<\/span><\/p>\n

Or it could be that what\u2019s needed is way of addressing the depths of your feelings and the concern over a strained connection; you may want to sit him down, at a time that works for both of you, and spell out as calmly and non-accusingly as you can what it is you feel and would like to see happen, to make sure he really understands your concerns and how this episode has hurt. I recommend approaching this as partners <\/em>who are seeking to strengthen the bonds of \u201cthe team.\u201d (Rather than \u201cyou\u2019re my problem here,\u201d it\u2019s \u201cdistance is our <\/em>problem here.\u201d) Try to keep the focus on you as much as you can, rather than that online woman. He is married to you, not her, but you\u2019re not feeling it lately. You miss him<\/em> as the man you love, and want to feel him as your chosen partner, not (I\u2019m just guessing) your roommate. You can also mention that when he laughs and dismisses the idea, it feels minimizing and perhaps even abandoning<\/a>.<\/p>\n

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first\u2014i.e., to \u201cunfriend\u201d her or not\u2014until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other\u2019s perspectives and hopes, fears<\/a>, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.<\/p>\n

Try asking him for his perspective, and\u2014here\u2019s the hard part\u2014try and listen as openly as you can. Imagine, for a moment, you are a friend and not his wife. Is there something bugging him<\/em> about the relationship? What does he think may be going on here? What was it he found with this friend and not you that can, hopefully, be sparked in the marriage? Does he understand how hurtful it was to stumble upon this online \u201cchat\u201d? I hope that such a dialogue would strengthen your bond, since hurt feelings can also be a catalyst for a couple\u2019s coming closer together with deeper understanding.<\/p>\n

It is often a turn-on to feel one\u2019s partner understands how they feel, what they desire, and what hurts. Then we have not just a partner but an ally, someone in our corner who knows our heart, warts and all, and loves<\/a> and accepts us for who we are. I hope you and your husband are able to find some of this \u2026 and there\u2019s no shame in seeking out some couples counseling<\/a> if the two of you need a little assistance sharing and hearing each other. Sometimes, even just a handful of sessions, with a focus on empathic and reflective listening, can help.<\/p>\n

Best of luck to you, and thanks for bravely writing!
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,384,25,41,388],"class_list":["post-29275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29275","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29275"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29275\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29275"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29275"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29275"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}