{"id":29075,"date":"2015-08-31T06:00:45","date_gmt":"2015-08-31T13:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29075"},"modified":"2024-03-05T17:08:19","modified_gmt":"2024-03-05T22:08:19","slug":"what-to-do-when-youre-the-jerk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/what-to-do-when-youre-the-jerk-0831154","title":{"rendered":"What to Do When You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the Jerk"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-42878 size-medium alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/AdobeStock_549550453-300x200.jpeg\" alt=\"GoodTherapy | What to Do When You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the Jerk\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/AdobeStock_549550453-300x200.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/AdobeStock_549550453-800x533.jpeg 800w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/AdobeStock_549550453-1536x1024.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/08\/AdobeStock_549550453-2048x1365.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been a jerk many times in my life. But one time that stands out for me happened when I was 13. I had been invited to the bat mitzvah of a girl I barely knew. A bat mitzvah is a big event; at least 100 people were there. After singing \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Happy Birthday,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d some kid usually started chanting, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Skip around the room, skip around the room, we won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t shut up until you skip around the room.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Obviously, the intent was to make the birthday child \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 skip around the room.<\/p>\n<p>On this occasion, I started the chant, but it fell flat on its face. Not a single person joined the chant with me.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t until I was in college, recalling this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/embarrassment\">embarrassing<\/a> incident, that I finally realized my shameful behavior. The birthday girl, who appeared in class sporadically, sometimes showed up on crutches and sometimes arrived in a wheelchair. I had completely forgotten about her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/disabilities\">disability<\/a> because she had put them aside for her bat mitzvah. Ignorantly, obliviously, I had thrown her illness\u00c2\u00a0in everyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face. What a horrible child!<\/p>\n<p>It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easier to forgive a child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s behavior than an adult\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also easier to forgive unintentional cruelty than intentional harm. But regardless, I will always feel a little ashamed that I hurt that girl and her family that day.<\/p>\n<p>[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/shame\">Shame<\/a>, that gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling, keeps people from acknowledging when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been hurtful. So often, admitting that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/guilt\">guilty<\/a> means being overcome with shame. We all want to be the good guy. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s awful to discover that we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been the villain.<\/p>\n<p>The other thing that stops people from admitting when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been wrong is punishment. Often, the punishment is shame: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Shame on you!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If a person admits to a spouse that he or she has\u00c2\u00a0been overreactive or harsh toward the spouse, will the person be understood and forgiven or will he\/she be punished and repeatedly shamed?<\/p>\n<p>Being able to take responsibility for one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s bad behavior is in everyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s best interest. Being condescending, being harshly critical, being explosive, being <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/prejudice-discrimination\">prejudiced<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthese behaviors and more may occur for all of us, but unacknowledged and unchecked, they can become a person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s identity, overshadowing higher qualities and damaging or destroying <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/relationships\">relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>What to do:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Focus on learning about yourself, not punishing yourself<\/li>\n<li>Separate the behavior from your identity; you can overcome the behavior, and it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to define who you are<\/li>\n<li>Be honest with yourself<\/li>\n<li>Breathe, calm yourself, and tolerate the unpleasant feelings<\/li>\n<li>Take responsibility for your behavior<\/li>\n<li>Apologize, if possible<\/li>\n<li>Commit to being the person you want to be<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>What not to do:<br \/>\n<span class=\"popout-quote-right\" style=\"font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: right;\">Twelve-step groups, support groups, and psychotherapy can assist individuals in regaining clarity and self-compassion\u00c2\u00a0in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of self-loathing and self-abuse.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Lie to yourself<\/li>\n<li>Blame the victim<\/li>\n<li>Beat yourself up<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These suggestions are sometimes easier said than done. It can take time, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/patience\">patience<\/a>, and emotional support to work through these steps. A person may not get the understanding and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/forgiveness\">forgiveness<\/a> he or she\u00c2\u00a0desires. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important to do it anyway, regardless of the reaction. Just because someone becomes aware of his or her behavior doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean it won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen again. Hopefully, with repeated awareness and commitment, the person can learn to stop it faster.<\/p>\n<p>In families that carry histories of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/drug-and-substance-abuse\">substance abuse<\/a> and\/or\u00c2\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/physical-abuse\">physical abuse<\/a>, the level of damage can be extreme, resulting in a greater need to justify, ignore, or suppress awareness of these behaviors. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/12-step-program\">Twelve-step groups<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/group-therapy.html\">support groups<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/individual-therapy.html\">psychotherapy<\/a> can assist individuals in regaining clarity and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-compassion\">self-compassion<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-criticism\">self-loathing and self-abuse<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>No one is perfect. There is no shame in learning, growing, and striving to be your best self.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>No one wants to be the villain. When we&#8217;ve done wrong, it&#8217;s important to learn from it and to be accountable\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand that means letting go of shame and self-abuse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2882,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,432,544,25,547,111],"class_list":["post-29075","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-forgiveness","tag-guilt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-compassion","tag-shame"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29075","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2882"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29075"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29075\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29075"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29075"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29075"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}