{"id":29075,"date":"2015-08-31T06:00:45","date_gmt":"2015-08-31T13:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=29075"},"modified":"2024-03-05T17:08:19","modified_gmt":"2024-03-05T22:08:19","slug":"what-to-do-when-youre-the-jerk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/what-to-do-when-youre-the-jerk-0831154","title":{"rendered":"What to Do When You\u2019re the Jerk"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapyI\u2019ve been a jerk many times in my life. But one time that stands out for me happened when I was 13. I had been invited to the bat mitzvah of a girl I barely knew. A bat mitzvah is a big event; at least 100 people were there. After singing \u201cHappy Birthday,\u201d some kid usually started chanting, \u201cSkip around the room, skip around the room, we won\u2019t shut up until you skip around the room.\u201d Obviously, the intent was to make the birthday child \u2026 skip around the room.<\/p>\n

On this occasion, I started the chant, but it fell flat on its face. Not a single person joined the chant with me.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until I was in college, recalling this embarrassing<\/a> incident, that I finally realized my shameful behavior. The birthday girl, who appeared in class sporadically, sometimes showed up on crutches and sometimes arrived in a wheelchair. I had completely forgotten about her disability<\/a> because she had put them aside for her bat mitzvah. Ignorantly, obliviously, I had thrown her illness\u00a0in everyone\u2019s face. What a horrible child!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s easier to forgive a child\u2019s behavior than an adult\u2019s. It\u2019s also easier to forgive unintentional cruelty than intentional harm. But regardless, I will always feel a little ashamed that I hurt that girl and her family that day.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

Shame<\/a>, that gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling, keeps people from acknowledging when they\u2019ve been hurtful. So often, admitting that you\u2019re guilty<\/a> means being overcome with shame. We all want to be the good guy. It\u2019s awful to discover that we\u2019ve been the villain.<\/p>\n

The other thing that stops people from admitting when they\u2019ve been wrong is punishment. Often, the punishment is shame: \u201cShame on you!\u201d If a person admits to a spouse that he or she has\u00a0been overreactive or harsh toward the spouse, will the person be understood and forgiven or will he\/she be punished and repeatedly shamed?<\/p>\n

Being able to take responsibility for one\u2019s bad behavior is in everyone\u2019s best interest. Being condescending, being harshly critical, being explosive, being prejudiced<\/a>\u2014these behaviors and more may occur for all of us, but unacknowledged and unchecked, they can become a person\u2019s identity, overshadowing higher qualities and damaging or destroying relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n

What to do:<\/p>\n