{"id":28844,"date":"2015-09-04T08:00:52","date_gmt":"2015-09-04T15:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=28844"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:23:12","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:23:12","slug":"how-can-i-stay-strong-knowing-my-wife-has-terminal-cancer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-can-i-stay-strong-knowing-my-wife-has-terminal-cancer","title":{"rendered":"How Can I Stay Strong Knowing My Wife Has Terminal Cancer?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and cannot imagine the pain you and your wife must be experiencing as she fights her battle against cancer<\/a>. Let\u2019s get to the root of your questions.<\/p>\n

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You love each other. You can\u2019t help being what she needs you to be\u2014she needs you to be you, loving her, and you clearly do. Yes, you will be optimistic<\/a> if you can and if that helps. Yes, you can cry in front of her after she has had sufficient time to digest the news, and you can cry together to mourn the life that you will not have together, as well as to celebrate the life you have together now and have had to this point. You are grieving<\/a>. Of course you are grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Although you say your wife is acclimating to the news better than you are, it\u2019s possible she\u2019s trying to stay \u201cstrong\u201d for you, and is grieving inside every bit as much as you are. It\u2019s OK to grieve together. In fact, it could be very helpful. Talk to your wife about what you are feeling and see how she feels about experiencing your grief as a team.<\/p>\n

Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it\u2019s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments.<\/span><\/p>\n

You describe your wife as a fighter, and you sound like you are one, too. You will find ways to be together and do the things you love best. And in those times when grieving in front of your wife doesn\u2019t feel like the thing to do, when you need to scream and holler and let go, it\u2019s absolutely OK to find a private place and do so. You can walk down a busy city street and yell your heart out (I\u2019ve done this myself), or you can hide in the woods and do the same. You can lean on a good friend or family member who will help you mourn and be angry<\/a> and be thankful<\/a>, and break apart and heal and hold together.<\/p>\n

You have time still to show your love<\/a>, to enjoy the everyday-ness of being together. Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it\u2019s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments. You will be brave and cowardly, angry and loving, and express all the emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and you will do so both together and separately. All of it is OK. All of it is normal. All of it is whatever you make of it. Please let yourself feel what you feel.<\/p>\n

Your wife needs help, yes, but don\u2019t forget that you do, too. You need and deserve supportive people\u2014family, friends, perhaps even groups who will help you through this. You can\u2019t do it alone.<\/p>\n

Many hospitals have support groups<\/a> where people meet and help one another through difficult times. Are you members of a religious<\/a> or spiritual<\/a> group? Would you consider working privately with a therapist or counselor<\/a>\u2014someone just for you, or someone for you both? I highly recommend the empathic support of a therapist to help guide you through the range of emotions you\u2019re feeling right now, especially a therapist who specializes in grief, loss, and bereavement.<\/p>\n

I hope you can feel the love and peace that I wish you both.<\/p>\n

Take care,
\nLynn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[451,522,232,423,25,41],"class_list":["post-28844","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-cancer","tag-dear-gt","tag-grief-loss-bereavement","tag-health-iillness-medical-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28844","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28844"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28844\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28844"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28844"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28844"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}