{"id":28650,"date":"2015-07-08T08:00:06","date_gmt":"2015-07-08T15:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=28650"},"modified":"2017-08-17T11:26:35","modified_gmt":"2017-08-17T18:26:35","slug":"just-say-no-a-guide-to-setting-limits-with-your-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/just-say-no-guide-to-setting-limits-with-your-child-0708155","title":{"rendered":"Just Say No? A Guide to Setting Limits with Your Child"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"fatherIt\u2019s a commonly held belief that while our parents\u2019 generation failed to pay enough <\/em>attention to our thoughts and feelings as children, our generation cares too much<\/em> about our children\u2019s thoughts and feelings. While this is certainly an over-generalization, I believe it reflects an important reality: Parents<\/a> today have difficulty setting limits and saying \u201cno\u201d to their kids.<\/p>\n

This does not mean we should stop listening to our children<\/a>. Rather, the key to effective limit setting is finding a balance between being firm, on the one hand, and giving our children some control on the other. If we can identify what our children are capable of, hold onto the limits we know to be important, compromise on those we don\u2019t, and include our children in the process when appropriate, the limit setting process can be (if not exactly fun) quite manageable.<\/p>\n

To illustrate this point, I would like to start by describing some limit setting dilemmas a few parents with whom I have worked have faced, and a parenting moment of my own (lest anyone think I am suggesting this limit setting stuff is easy). I have changed the names and details for confidentiality purposes.<\/p>\n

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Sleepless Sally:<\/strong> Dan and Mary attended a limit setting workshop I gave because their 2-year-old, Sally, was not listening to them. When I asked Dan and Mary about their approach to limit setting, they explained that they never used the word \u201cno\u201d with Sally because it was too negative. Instead, they would try to explain the reason for the limit in a more positive tone. For example, when Sally refused to get ready for bed (a frequent occurrence), they would tell her, \u201cYou need your sleep. Aren\u2019t you tired yet? It\u2019s important to get enough sleep.\u201d When I asked them what they would do if Sally started to run into the street by herself, they responded, \u201cSally, why don\u2019t you stay with Mommy and Daddy?\u201d They knew their approach wasn\u2019t working, but did not know how to fix it.<\/p>\n

Trampoline Thomas:<\/strong> Another parent, Karen, who consulted with me about her 5-year-old son, Thomas, explained that Thomas did not respect the limits she tried to set. Karen was particularly upset over a recent visit to a friend\u2019s house. Her friend had a trampoline, which Thomas absolutely loved. Thomas loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to stay at the kitchen table during dinner, instead leaving the table to go on the trampoline. Karen tried to dissuade Thomas from going to the trampoline during dinner, but she couldn\u2019t seem to figure out how to get him to stay. After a few nights of unsuccessfully trying, Karen decided to set a consequence for Thomas: If he got up from the table and went to the trampoline during dinner, he could not play on the trampoline at all the next day. Despite Karen\u2019s warning, at the next dinner Thomas got up and went to the trampoline. The next day, Thomas was not allowed on the trampoline, but that night at dinner, he did the same thing again. When I heard this story, I was surprised; I would have thought a day without the trampoline would have been enough to get Thomas to change his tune. As I inquired more about the consequence and its implementation, however, Karen sheepishly admitted that not only had Thomas<\/em> been prohibited from using the trampoline, but everyone<\/em> had been disallowed from using it, lest Thomas be upset about being left out!<\/p>\n

Reserved Rachel:<\/strong> While my daughter, Rachel, had always been rather reserved, it wasn\u2019t until she was 9 years old that my husband and I really took in the fact she was not saying hello to anyone in our building (or in public), even if they greeted her first. Pointing out to Rachel that this was rude or that others might not like her did not seem to help, nor did setting consequences or rewards. We were really at a loss.<\/p>\n

I recount these stories not to show how lousy these parents and I are at parenting. We aren\u2019t. In fact, we are all loving, caring parents who really just want to figure out how best to support and help our children. Frankly, all parents try things with their kids that don\u2019t work. Rather, I want to use these stories to highlight how complicated limit setting can be and to point out some of the important questions we need to ask ourselves as we go about the job of figuring out how to set limits with our kids. These questions include:<\/p>\n

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  1. Why are limits important?<\/li>\n
  2. How do I know when limits are appropriate?<\/li>\n
  3. How do I enforce limits?<\/li>\n
  4. When and how should I use consequences?<\/li>\n
  5. When and how should I use incentives?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    1. Why Are Limits Important?<\/h2>\n

    Sometimes, amid the battle of limit setting, we feel like giving up and giving in. At these times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves why we need to stick with it. And here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n

    Limits help children feel safe, physically and emotionally: <\/strong>It may seem like our children hate us when we tell them what (not) to do, but unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously), children often have their fingers crossed that we will take charge. Why? Because they don\u2019t have total control over themselves and this is scary for them! Until they learn self-control, which happens slowly over the years, our children rely on us to provide that structure and control. In fact, it is partly how they learn self-control, by internalizing the structures and limits we provide them. It is how they feel safe.<\/p>\n

    For example, if a 2-year-old is doing something dangerous (like running out into the street), the parent must act quickly (\u201cNo!\u201d is great for dangerous situations). Two-year-olds do not have the impulse control or reasoning skills to assess danger on their own. They need to be taught to be cautious and wary of certain situations.<\/p>\n

    Limits teach children how to regulate their different needs (hunger, tiredness, transitions, etc.): <\/strong>Children need to learn how to listen to their bodies and respond appropriately. This is not something that comes easily or quickly. By having routines and limits for our children, we are helping to regulate our children in ways they are not yet capable of. We are also modeling for them the importance of listening to one\u2019s body and needs.<\/p>\n

    Perhaps because of our determination not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us and\/or because of all the research showing us how smart and capable our children are from very young, parents today often assume that our children are able to regulate their needs on their own, much as adults do. However, this is typically not the case. Learning to self-regulate is a process that happens over many years; it is a developmental task that can\u2019t be rushed. At any given moment in time, we need to figure out what our children are capable of and not ask more from them.<\/p>\n

    For example, understanding the importance of sleep and being able to choose one\u2019s bedtime is something that Sally, at 2, is simply not capable of. She does not have the cognitive capacity to understand the importance of sleep, delay gratification, or regulate her tiredness and activity level.<\/p>\n

    Limits teach children important social skills (turn taking, being polite): <\/strong>I am a big believer in allowing children to feel whatever it is they feel, no matter how difficult it may be for them or their parents to handle. However, feeling something and acting on it are two very different things. While a 1-year-old may not be capable of distinguishing between the two, a 5-year-old certainly is.<\/p>\n

    Thomas, for example, is probably capable of sitting at the dinner table for a reasonable amount of time, assuming he is developmentally more or less on track. At some point, trying to understand why Thomas has trouble sitting at the table will be helpful, but understanding is not a substitute for setting the limit.<\/p>\n

    Rachel, after much discussion, agreed to work on greetings through role-playing with my husband and me. Rachel also suggested she would try to make eye contact and smile and\/or wave to people so that they would not think she was rude. We all agreed on a system for carrying this out. Carried out with starts and fits over time, these solutions helped Rachel feel more comfortable interacting with the outside world.<\/p>\n

    Parents are one of the primary carriers of culture for our children in these early years. It is our responsibility to teach our children how to be in the world in a way that won\u2019t annoy everyone else. Introducing some of the social graces\u2014sitting at the dinner table, taking turns, greetings, thank yous, etc.\u2014and limiting the no-nos\u2014hitting, biting, grabbing, etc.\u2014is an important part of that job.<\/p>\n

    Limits help children build self-esteem: <\/strong>When children are able to predict and meet our expectations, they feel more competent. As children learn through our limits how to regulate their needs, handle their feelings, and function effectively in the outside word, they become more confident<\/a>. However, when we expect too much of them, the opposite can happen; kids can become very frustrated and disappointed in themselves. This brings us to our next question \u2026<\/p>\n

    2. How Do I Know When Limits Are Appropriate?<\/h2>\n

    I would argue that limits are appropriate when they reflect an understanding of what your child is capable of developmentally, reflect an understanding of your child\u2019s unique needs, and take your (the parents\u2019) needs and preferences into consideration.<\/p>\n

    One of the problems that Dan and Mary faced with Sally was that they didn\u2019t seem confident about how much sleep she needed. Although it can be hard to know how much sleep an individual child needs, there is a range that is commonly accepted (which you can readily find online). After we discussed this range together, Dan and Mary, through trial and error over a few weeks, were able to figure out how much sleep Sally needed. Feeling more confident about how much sleep Sally needed then made it easier for Dan and Mary to enforce her bedtime. Having a consistent bedtime helped Sally get the sleep her body needed and helped her begin to learn how to self-regulate her own tiredness.<\/p>\n

    Another reason setting limits is important is that it helps you take care of yourself<\/a>. For example, having a consistent, reasonably timed bedtime for your child usually gives you some much-needed down time\u2014time to relax, catch up with your partner, and recharge a bit before you face another day of parenting. This benefits not only you, but your child as well. A parent who takes care of himself or herself is generally a happier, more patient<\/a> parent.<\/p>\n

    Lastly, when deciding which limits to set, try not to sweat the small stuff. If allowing your child to watch an additional 15 minutes of television gives them a sense of agency<\/a> and you a much-needed break, why not? As long as the 15 minutes doesn\u2019t turn into two hours, being flexible within your structure gives your child the message you are willing to take their wants and needs into consideration, but that when you set a firm limit, there is a reason for it. In my experience, children tend to respect limits more when there is some flexibility on the stuff that is not as important.<\/p>\n

    3. How Do I Enforce Limits?<\/h2>\n

    When setting limits, I recommend keeping the following in mind:<\/p>\n