{"id":28245,"date":"2015-06-16T08:00:27","date_gmt":"2015-06-16T15:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=28245"},"modified":"2015-06-12T12:31:02","modified_gmt":"2015-06-12T19:31:02","slug":"why-do-friendships-fade-for-so-many-autism-spectrum-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-do-friendships-fade-for-so-many-autism-spectrum-parents-0616155","title":{"rendered":"Why Do Friendships Fade for So Many Autism Spectrum Parents?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"FriendsMany of us have close friendships<\/a> that we value. Unfortunately, there is often a pattern of decline in friendships after a diagnosis of autism. Through the work I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done with people in therapy and my own experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum<\/a>, I have found that there are several reasons for this.<\/p>\n

A Diagnosis Changes Relationships<\/h2>\n

I often caution parents<\/a> new to the diagnosis<\/a> that their lives are about to completely change. After an autism diagnosis, almost nothing remains the same. Parents typically enter a grieving process<\/a> while trying to navigate new doctor and therapy schedules. Maintaining friendships often becomes the least of their concerns.<\/p>\n

Autism also has a way of weeding out \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friends\u00e2\u20ac\u009d who were never all that\u00c2\u00a0supportive in the first place. People who are overly dependent, toxic people, or those who simply drain tend to go by the wayside. You no longer have time or patience<\/a> for drama. Those who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t understand or empathize<\/a> with your grief process may become angry that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have time for them or accuse you of changing.\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re just not the same person,” they might say. “I miss the old Sally.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n

Sally\u00c2\u00a0represents myriad autism moms, especially, who continue to share the same story: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My friends just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

There is a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153get it\u00e2\u20ac\u009d factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.<\/p>\n

Time and Energy Are Precious<\/h2>\n

Autism takes a great amount of time and energy as a parent. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to maintaining friendships. If you work, even part-time, the challenge becomes greater. Children on the spectrum tend to miss more school than the average child due to associated health issues. Their sleep hygiene tends to be poor or more irregular. Children with autism often need constant supervision to ensure they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get hurt or run away. It can be overwhelming.<\/p>\n

If you have other children in the household, it can be a struggle to maintain a balance of time with them and your child on the spectrum. There never seems to be enough of you to go around.<\/p>\n

If there is a spouse or significant other, there is the additional challenge of nurturing that relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n

At the end of the day, you might be so exhausted that the last thing you want to do is get on the phone to call (or return a call from) a friend.<\/p>\n

There is a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153get it\u00e2\u20ac\u009d factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.<\/span><\/p>\n

Assumptions Can Get in the Way<\/h2>\n

There are assumptions that we make about others that may or may not be true. One of the most prevalent is that people are judging us. Many autism parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 homes are unkempt at best, and some are embarrassed to invite others into their chaos. Right or wrong, healthy or not, this is a reality for many spectrum moms in my community. Also, many children<\/a> with autism don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t adapt well to others in their physical space, so some parents don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t invite others over for that reason.<\/p>\n

Of course, parents may also assume that others don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be friends anymore because it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s too much of a hassle. Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s face it: When friends call and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t call back; when they invite me to events and I keep declining; when I finally do make plans but back out at the last minute, these things do not serve friendships. It may begin to appear as if I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to engage, even if this couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be further from the truth.<\/p>\n

Another common assumption is that other parents don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want their kids to socialize with children on the spectrum. This is sometimes untrue, but not universally.<\/p>\n

The Importance of Letting It Go<\/h2>\n

So what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the solution? Is there one? I think the answer varies from person to person, family to family. The guilt<\/a> associated with not being able to call others back or return favors tends to eat away at the people I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve encountered in therapy<\/a>. My advice to them is the same as the advice I received while in my counseling internship. One day while I was agonizing over feeling like a bad friend, my then-supervisor (now someone I call a friend) said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Janeen, you have enough BS and \u00e2\u20ac\u02dchave-tos\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 in your life. Let this go.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

And that was it. I had permission to let it go, and so I did.<\/p>\n

There aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t many people I call \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friend.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There are only two I call in crises who can talk me off my ledge. After almost 18 years of parenting a child with special needs, I have come to know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s truly important in life. My inability to return a phone call, and all of the guilt that accompanies it, is at the bottom of the list.<\/p>\n

If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the parent of a child on the spectrum, I hope it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s at the bottom of your list as well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Parenting a child on the autism spectrum can illuminate who your true friends are, but maintaining even the closest of friendships can be a challenge.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2492,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,454,21,51,25],"class_list":["post-28245","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-aspbergers-autism","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28245","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2492"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28245"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28245\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28245"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28245"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28245"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}