{"id":28180,"date":"2015-06-08T06:00:59","date_gmt":"2015-06-08T13:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=28180"},"modified":"2018-02-12T12:02:00","modified_gmt":"2018-02-12T20:02:00","slug":"silencing-the-inner-critic-the-power-of-self-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/silencing-the-inner-critic-the-power-of-self-compassion-0608154","title":{"rendered":"Silencing the Inner Critic: The Power of Self-Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-32943 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/hands-over-ears-pained-expression-300x200.jpg\" alt=\"hands over ears with a pained expression\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" data-id=\"32943\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/hands-over-ears-pained-expression-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/hands-over-ears-pained-expression.jpg 512w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u201dBuddha<\/p>\n<p>As I write this, I can feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anxiety\">anxiety<\/a> in my entire body; my legs are restless, my toes are tapping, and there are butterflies in my stomach twirling and diving, with some going on bombing missions. Thoughts are flying across the screen of my mind at the speed of light. My inner dialogue\/landscape is one of charred wood and dead grass as I search to find the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153right\u00e2\u20ac\u009d words that will enlighten readers. In this barren wasteland of blank thoughts, I see a little pink flower that seems to be calling from afar, but, alas, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not to be! It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s only a figment of my imagination.<\/p>\n<p>In my mind, I see no other recourse than to surrender and shout out, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I give up! This is too hard!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d while another voice suggests, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you think this would be a great time to rearrange the furniture?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d All the while, the wise part of me looks on with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/patience\">patience<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/definition-of-compassion\">compassion<\/a>, nodding her head as she says, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Now, my dear, you know what you need to do.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>[fat_widget_right]<\/p>\n<p>I do know what I need to do, but I still wonder why, after all these years of writing, a deadline can bring up feelings of dread similar to those you get when the dentist informs you that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in need of a root canal. Unfortunately, I know the answer to this; and no, I am not as wise as Yoda! I happen to be very well acquainted with the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/inner-critic\">inner critic<\/a>, and I know that as soon as there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a deadline looming on the horizon, the inner critic perks up, rubs her hands together with glee, laughs maniacally, and shouts with jubilation, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I knew sooner or later you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d need my help!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Hearing this, I turn to her, send her an imaginary bow of acknowledgment, and say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s OK. I appreciate the offer, but I can do this on my own.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I lovingly guide her back to the meditation cushion and ask her to help by sending thoughts of loving kindness and compassion.<\/p>\n<h2>Unveiling the Inner Critic<\/h2>\n<p><em>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153While others may fool us with stories, lies, and misinformation, the biggest deceptions happen within our very own heads!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u201dDana Nourie<\/p>\n<p>We all have an inner critic that gets activated when there is a sign of trouble or danger on the horizon. It shows up when we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re most vulnerable, fearful, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/sadness\">sad<\/a>. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the scolding, critical, manipulative, and intimidating inner voice that is trying to help us stay safe. It can also sound like background noise; the voice is there, but we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten so used to it that we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hear it. When we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t notice this inner dialogue, we may end up believing these thoughts, which creates even deeper suffering. So it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important to recognize when the inner critic is present.<\/p>\n<p>Below are just a few examples of how the inner critic shows up:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>The controller:<\/strong> This is the voice that constantly demands action. It can say things like, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a lazy slob! Get up and do those dishes right now!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hurry up and finish that project or you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be fired!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li><strong>The judge:<\/strong> This is the voice that sits on the high bench, evaluating and finding fault with your performance before you even begin the task. For example, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to a new part of town and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have a good sense of direction. The judge immediately perks up, telling you, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re so hopeless with directions! You couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t find your way out of a paper bag!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li><strong>The voice of doom and gloom:<\/strong> This is the fearful voice that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always sending messages filled with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/shame\">shame<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-doubt\">doubt<\/a>. So you might have brought a beautiful dress that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been longing to wear, and as you look in the mirror, this part starts sending warnings of upcoming failure. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you sure you really want to wear THAT? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re going to be the laughingstock of the party!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>See the Vulnerability Beneath the Defense<\/h2>\n<p>Sometimes it helps to visualize the inner critic as a scared child. Most of us would respond with compassion if we saw a child suffering. Sometimes when I notice the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-criticism\">critical self-talk<\/a> in action, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll envision the fear as a child. I see the inner critic as a little girl who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wearing an oversized lab coat and a hard hat. She stands anxiously watching over a grid with many blinking, colorful lights. While the grid contains a kaleidoscope of beautiful flashing colors, the inner critic ignores the beauty and instead is waiting for the moment when the grid flashes red.<\/p>\n<p>Why red? Because it represents danger. (Think of stop signs, traffic lights, hazard lights, and ambulances.) When the illusion of trouble enters the mind, the grid flashes red, an alarm goes off, and a loud voice starts the countdown toward self-destruction. The inner critic immediately goes to work trying to avert danger in any way she can, and the negative self-talk begins. So the inner critic will say things such as, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re such a loser! No wonder creative thoughts don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stick around! I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d leave too, if I could!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If I believe these thoughts, I might get paralyzed and stop myself from doing something that helps others and brings me joy. If instead I learn to look beyond the critical self-talk, I can begin to connect with the vulnerability beneath the defenses.<\/p>\n<p>If I look beyond the inner critic and defensive stance, I see the feelings of vulnerability and fear. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fear of failure\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthat I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t accomplish the task correctly or that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll lose my connection to what matters most. When I pause to connect through the practice of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/types\/mindfulness-based-interventions\">mindfulness<\/a> and recognize that fear is present, I can begin to respond in ways that are healing and compassionate. This clear seeing of what is really happening beyond views of good\/bad is essential in order for us to soothe the inner critic.<\/p>\n<p>Before we get there, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s take a deeper look at why and how fear triggers the inner critic.<\/p>\n<h2>Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real<\/h2>\n<p>We all face <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/fear\">fear<\/a> at one time or another. Sometimes many times a day! Fear shows up for the major events of our lives. It also shows up for the small, everyday activities, such as not getting to an appointment on time, getting into an argument with a close friend, etc. What transforms the fear into suffering isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t the feeling itself; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how we react to it.<\/p>\n<p>It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also important to note that when fear arises it triggers our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/fight-or-flight\">fight, flight, and freeze or submit response<\/a>, which was essential for the survival of our species. After all, if our ancestors weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t alert to the dangers they faced when they were out hunting for food, we wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be here today.<\/p>\n<p>The problem is that most of the threats we face are intense reactions that go off when our self-concept is threatened. This makes sense, as we are social animals and our connection to each other and life is important to our well-being. However, when we react as if our very life is threatened, we end up adding suffering to what is often a moment of pain. As Dr. Kristin Neff writes in her book <a href=\"http:\/\/amzn.to\/1EybgW9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\">Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself<\/a>:<\/p>\n<p>We confuse our thoughts and representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self-image is under siege, we react as if our very existence is threatened. When this happens, our threat defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe as follows:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Fight:<\/strong> We turn on ourselves, we criticize, blame, shame, and belittle ourselves.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Flight:<\/strong> Feeling anxious and agitated, we seek to numb the pain by using distractions such as food, alcohol, gambling, or other distractions.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Freeze:<\/strong> We get caught up in a holding pattern of thoughts. We ruminate on what we see as our inadequacies and weaknesses.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Submit:<\/strong> We resign ourselves and accept our harsh and critical self-judgment, which leaves us feeling unworthy and ashamed.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>This overreaction can leave us feeling highly anxious, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/depression\">depressed<\/a>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anger\">angry<\/a> with ourselves, others, and the world, and this can lead us to limit our experiences in life and relationships.<\/p>\n<h2>How the Inner Critic Limits Our Lived Experience<\/h2>\n<p><em>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153We get identified with patterns of thought and this leads to repetitive behaviors, these repetitive behaviors become who we are. We stop growing because we limit out experiences.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dSteve Armstrong, dharma talk on <em>Greeting Visitors to the Mind<\/em><\/p>\n<p><span class=\"popout-quote-left\" style=\"color: #585544; font-weight: bold; width: 30%; float: left;\">The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us. <\/span><\/p>\n<p>I remember listening to a talk by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/meditation\">meditation<\/a> teacher Tara Brach on how fear affects us. She shared a moving story about a white tiger called Mohini, who lived in a 12-by-12-foot rectangular cage at the zoo in Washington, D.C. The tiger spent her days restlessly pacing within the small enclosure, and eventually the staff and biologists worked to create a natural habitat for her. This was a beautiful space with hills, trees, and a pond to swim in.<\/p>\n<p>When Mohini was transferred to her new surroundings, everyone expected she would feel free to explore this wide-open space. The moment she was released, she \u00e2\u20ac\u0153immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area 12 by 12 feet was worn bare of grass.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>We similarly confine ourselves to certain patterns that limit our ability to fully experience life. The inner critic becomes the gatekeeper\u00e2\u20ac\u201din charge of keeping us contained within these limits, where there is an illusion of safety. The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us. Recognizing how we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re reacting to the inner critic, to our thoughts and feelings, is an important step toward helping ourselves reconnect to this moment. Just as important is our ability to practice self-compassion in the face of pain.<\/p>\n<h2>Self-Compassion Helps Soothe the Inner Critic<\/h2>\n<p><em>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we&#8217;d give to a good friend.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/em>\u00e2\u20ac\u201dDr. Kristin Neff<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Neff describes <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-compassion\">self-compassion<\/a> as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153quieting of one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inner critic and replacing it with a voice of support, understanding, and care for one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s self.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d So we treat ourselves with the same compassion and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/kindness\">kindness<\/a> we show others who are suffering. This can be challenging, as our defenses were developed over many years and show up as patterns of behavior that often stop us from being vulnerable. What helps us to shift out of these patterns is meeting our experience with mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion. As Neff points out in her book, there are three elements to the practice, as follows:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Practicing self-kindness, we:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Let go of pursuing perfection<\/li>\n<li>Accept that, in life, things don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always go according to plan<\/li>\n<li>Learn to recognize and accept that pain is a part of life<\/li>\n<li>Meet pain with kindness and compassion instead of self-condemnation and harsh judgment<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Common humanity means that we:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Are all vulnerable, earthly, and imperfect beings<\/li>\n<li>Suffering and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/inadequacy\">feelings of inadequacy<\/a> are felt by everyone, and this is part of our shared human experience.<\/li>\n<li>We all walk the path of life together; sometimes the path is smooth and pleasant, and sometimes it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unpleasant; strewn with obstacles and challenges.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>We meet our moment-to-moment experience by:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Observing our moment-to-moment experience (thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) in a nonjudgmental manner<\/li>\n<li>Noticing how these thoughts affect our body, mind, and heart<\/li>\n<li>If we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re overwhelmed, we help ourselves by practicing mindfulness of breathing (shift your attention from thoughts to the sensation of the breath coming in and the breath flowing out).<\/li>\n<li>As we feel more centered, we can begin to notice how emotions are affecting our body (emotions are felt as physical sensations in the body). We allow the thoughts to be there without feeding them.<\/li>\n<li>Noticing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/tension\">tension<\/a>, emotional or physical pain, we bring a feeling of kindness and compassion to our experience and begin to soften around the tension.<\/li>\n<li>Sending love to the inner critic or the part of us that is caught up in thoughts, stories, or limiting beliefs<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Mindfulness and Compassion Foster Healing and Growth<\/h2>\n<p>Mindfulness and self-compassion help us to see how we are limiting ourselves. We see and feel the barriers we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re constructing around our hearts, and in seeing them we can begin to explore what is happening within the mind that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s causing us to build the wall. We free our hearts as we explore with a real desire to understand, to open to the pain and meet it with compassion and loving kindness. This leads us to have moments of mindfulness, where the mind is free of ruminating, judging, planning, and obsessing, and a mind that is free of torment is loving, clear, understanding, equanimous, and easeful.<\/p>\n<p>As I write this last line, I pause to check in with the inner critic. I see that she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still sitting on the meditation cushion, sending thoughts of loving kindness, and on her face is a look of profound peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all have an inner critic, one that loves to tell us all about our limitations. Mindfulness and self-compassion can help us quiet our critical self-talk.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":676,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,324,25,27,547,392],"class_list":["post-28180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-mindfulness-based-interventions","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models","tag-self-compassion","tag-self-criticism"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28180","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/676"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28180"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28180\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28180"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28180"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28180"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}