{"id":27904,"date":"2015-05-01T08:00:27","date_gmt":"2015-05-01T15:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=27904"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:16:57","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:16:57","slug":"ive-stolen-ive-lied-and-i-want-my-wife-back-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/ive-stolen-ive-lied-and-i-want-my-wife-back-help","title":{"rendered":"I’ve Stolen, I’ve Lied, and I Want My Wife Back. Help!"},"content":{"rendered":"

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do is cheat<\/a> on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage<\/a>. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do?<\/p>\n

[fat_widget_relationships_right]<\/p>\n

These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good first step toward healing. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s far from the only step you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.<\/p>\n

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153really love\u00e2\u20ac\u009d your wife and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153want her back.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s partly right and she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust<\/a>, which\u00e2\u20ac\u201dif it comes to pass\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwill take time and a lot of effort on your part.<\/p>\n

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good first step toward healing. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s far from the only step you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist<\/a>, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy<\/a>, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t underestimate what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.<\/p>\n

You write that you and your wife had \u00e2\u20ac\u0153amazing sex\u00e2\u20ac\u009d before she kicked you out again. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t overestimate what that means. Maybe that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a sign that the fire between you two isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection<\/a> you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex<\/a> can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.<\/p>\n

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor<\/a> together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear<\/a>, anger<\/a>, and resentment<\/a> that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.<\/p>\n

I wish you both the best for your future.<\/p>\n

Kind regards,
\nLynn<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":526,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,25,41,388],"class_list":["post-27904","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27904","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/526"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27904"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27904\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27904"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27904"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27904"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}