{"id":27712,"date":"2015-04-27T06:00:23","date_gmt":"2015-04-27T13:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=27712"},"modified":"2017-08-09T10:47:21","modified_gmt":"2017-08-09T17:47:21","slug":"self-sabotage-how-unexpressed-anger-undermines-success","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/self-sabotage-when-unexpressed-anger-undermines-success-0427154","title":{"rendered":"Self-Sabotage: When Unexpressed Anger Undermines Success"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"PensiveIt is not unusual for well-meaning parents to use their influence to try to mold their children into their ideal of a “successful” person. But when parents are not welcoming of the child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own wishes and desires, the child can become trapped in following the dictates of the family blueprint for his or her life. If the message to the child, either directly or subtly, is that differences and conflict are unacceptable, the child may become emotionally unable to express and tolerate conflict with parents. When negative feelings cannot comfortably be expressed in a direct way, they often find an unconscious outlet in behavior. Specifically, the child may unconsciously deprive the parents of what makes them feel like good parents<\/a> by sabotaging his or her own success.<\/p>\n

Fred felt unsuccessful. He was 29 years old and felt like a failure in his relationships<\/a> with women and was confused about how he felt about his work life. He described a sense of dissatisfaction and discomfort: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrong with me. I feel crappy all the time. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been dating Sally for three months, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really know what I feel about her. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know how I feel about my job. I know I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like going to work. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a very good lawyer. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the firm or me. Probably me. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m stuck and clueless about what I want and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t unstick myself from the status quo.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

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As I became familiar with Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s life story, I learned that from the time he was born, his parents assumed he would follow his father and become a lawyer. Fred understood this from an early age. He described how his father would tell him that when he grew up they would work together. Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s parents guided him through all the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153right\u00e2\u20ac\u009d extracurricular activities, private schools, and college prep tutors to make sure he would get into the best college on his path to law school.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153They insisted I be on the debate team in high school. I actually didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like debating because my father typically engaged me, especially at dinner, in what felt like some kind of test or debate about current events,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Fred recalled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153He explained that this was necessary to help me hone my skills to be a lawyer. He always seemed so excited when he talked about my future as a lawyer. Even if I wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure, I knew that I could rely on him to know what was best for me. I pretty much didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think about it. I went to law school after college. Then my father got me a job at his friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s law firm. He said he thought I should work there for a few years before joining his firm. So that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I did. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been there for three years. I almost got fired after I messed up with a couple of clients. It really upset my father and he told me I need to stay there before I come work with him so I can turn my mediocre performance around.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Fred seemed quite resigned to his situation.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t imagine what else I could do with my life,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My parents have done an amazing job of preparing me for this career. If I ever say that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not good at this or that and maybe I should think about something else, my mother gets teary. She says things like, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know what I did wrong that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any confidence in yourself.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 My father just gives me a pep talk, but it always sound like he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s disappointed in me. I usually end up feeling guilty and then I just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk about it with them. But no one can help me figure anything out as well as they can. So I keep talking.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

As I listened to Fred during our sessions, I was very aware that there was inevitably some reference to a critical or disappointed comment from one or both of his parents. I remarked to Fred: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I notice that your parents sometimes respond to you with upset, disappointment, or criticism. How does this impact you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the internal resources to know what he wanted. <\/span><\/p>\n

Fred looked surprised: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s how they keep me on the straight and narrow.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153They want me to stay on course\u00e2\u20ac\u201dto become a better lawyer, to settle down and have a family,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to get it together to do that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you ever wonder if that is what you want or do you ever let yourself have fantasies of being on your own path?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I wondered.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really let myself go there,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Fred replied. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s best. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like to get into disagreements with my parents. It upsets them and then it upsets me.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s it like for you to be upset when you have disagreements with your parents?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s scary,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153They sometimes get angry with me. I feel like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done something terrible to them\u00e2\u20ac\u201dreally hurt them. My father gets cold, and my mother cries. I feel so guilty and it feels like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve chased them away.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

The more I talked with Fred, the better I understood how frightened he was of losing his parents if he were to express anger<\/a> to them. If he asserted his own ideas, he feared being abandoned<\/a> emotionally. He had never been given the tools to develop and have confidence in his desires and needs, and he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have the internal resources to know what he wanted. He relied totally on his parents for direction and reassurance that he was OK. His parents have fostered his dependency by making it too frightening for him to assert himself against their wishes for his life. My understanding of the relationship between Fred and his parents became central to our work.<\/p>\n

I was concerned about the consequences of Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s inability to express any anger or disappointment to his parents about their role in directing his life. His inability to extricate himself from their involvement was interfering with Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to become a separate person who knows what he wants and how to get it. My thoughts about Fred and his relationship to his parents led me to the hypothesis that Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s lack of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153success\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in life was an unconscious expression of his negative feelings toward his parents. I thought it reasonable to consider that as long as Fred was “unsuccessful,” he would be depriving his parents of good feelings. They wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be able to take credit for their successful son. Perhaps this was the safest way for Fred to express his discontent without having to manage the consequences of directly disclosing his feelings. He couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tolerate acknowledging to himself or to his parents that they had interfered with his ability to become a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153successful\u00e2\u20ac\u009d person who could make choices and assert what he wants.<\/p>\n

I believed my hypothesis was probably correct, but I was certain that Fred wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ready to consider it. I was open to the possibility that other hypotheses would emerge as we continued our work. For now, we had to focus on how Fred could get more comfortable with his anger so that he could stop his unconscious attacks on his parents and himself.<\/p>\n

Assessing our work, I was clear that we would have to continue to go slowly in order for Fred to make progress. He relied so heavily on his parents for good self-feelings that I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to prematurely interfere with the importance of them in his life. I felt it was important to express appreciation for their intentions and not to criticize his parents. Cautiously and slowly, I hoped I could help Fred consider that in spite of their well-meant help, he hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been given the opportunity to develop a sense of self and an identity<\/a> that might be different from what his parents wished. Hopefully, Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s anger at the consequences of his parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 behaviors could be titrated so that in very small doses he could allow himself to tolerate the feelings and gradually be comfortable with them.<\/p>\n

As Fred and I move forward with his treatment, there has been some movement toward better self-feelings. Fred continues at the law firm and occasionally reports feelings of satisfaction about his work. He is still anxious about his next evaluation, but is talking less to his father about his worries and more to Sally, who he continues to date. In our session last week, he expressed some irritation toward his mother when she teared up because he told her he had plans with friends when she invited him for dinner.<\/p>\n

Fred and I have been spending more time in our sessions talking about his uncertainty in his relationship with Sally. I have suggested to Fred that he might be disappointed with me for not helping him get clearer about his feelings and what he wants. While Fred hasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t committed to expressing that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve disappointed him, he has responded: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s me, not you. Well, maybe you could do more<\/em>.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

It may not seem like a significant response, but this was the first time (I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve asked before) that Fred has considered my being a disappointment to him. I believe that Fred\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to express negativity toward me and get comfortable with his disappointment (and any other negative feelings) will be useful in helping him tolerate these feelings with his parents.<\/p>\n

Eventually, I hope Fred and I get to a place where I can tell him about\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand he can consider\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmy hypothesis that his unconscious anger is operating to defeat himself and his parents.<\/p>\n

Small steps can lead to big ones. We will keep talking.<\/p>\n

Note:<\/strong>\u00c2\u00a0To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

People whose visions for themselves differ from their parents’ ideal of “success” may, consciously or otherwise, indirectly express their anger as sabotage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1777,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[231,31,450,25],"class_list":["post-27712","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-individuation","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27712","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1777"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27712"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27712\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27712"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27712"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27712"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}