{"id":27539,"date":"2015-04-17T08:00:45","date_gmt":"2015-04-17T15:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=27539"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:16:34","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:16:34","slug":"my-husband-cheated-so-why-is-our-sex-life-hotter-than-ever","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/my-husband-cheated-so-why-is-our-sex-life-hotter-than-ever","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Cheated! So Why Is Our Sex Life Hotter Than Ever?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying this pattern is more common than many people realize. There are varying opinions on why feelings and reactions evolve this way, but there are a couple of\u00a0things that may be playing into it. First, the revelation of an affair<\/a> is indication that your marriage is on shaky ground, and your increased desire for sex<\/a> may be one way of \u201cstaking your claim,\u201d consciously or unconsciously, and regaining the ground you feel you have lost. You may\u2014again, not necessarily consciously\u2014desire increased intimacy<\/a> with your husband because you are afraid to lose him.<\/p>\n

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Second, there are many people who, for various reasons, associate love<\/a> with extreme emotions. When those individuals get into relationships that are relatively \u201ceasy\u201d and \u201cnormal,\u201d they can and sometimes do lose passion for their partners. When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined\u2014again, possibly unconsciously\u2014to equate intensity with love. While maintaining passion is important for a relationship, it is also not reasonable to maintain high levels of intensity long-term. In the course of everyday life, over time, intensity may diminish and passion may wane. Part of the challenge every couple faces is how to have a strong, passionate union when life\u2019s many demands creep in.<\/p>\n

When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined\u2014possibly unconsciously\u2014to equate intensity with love. <\/span><\/p>\n

During this confusing time, despite the intense feelings you\u2019re having, you are asking yourself some valid and serious questions that deserve to be carefully examined before you make any rash decisions. While it is well within the realm of \u201cordinary\u201d to have your passion reignited in a situation like yours, it is worth deeper examination to understand why you responded this way and if you want to continue this pattern. The other questions you are asking are also important to sit with; the trust in your relationship was breached, and that takes significant time and effort to repair. Are you both willing and able to do that? If you do choose to stay together and work things out, how will you deal with the dynamics at play and work to maintain passion without crisis? Another question that bears examination is if your relationship style is best suited for monogamy<\/a>; it sounds like you both once enjoyed a more open or “swinging” style<\/a> that inspired passionate feelings reminiscent of what you\u2019re feeling now.<\/p>\n

Your husband made his choices and surely had his reasons, and exploring his experience of this as well as yours in a safe, nonjudgmental, therapeutic space likely would serve him, you, your relationship, and ultimately your family. Your situation is complex, but there are many therapists who specialize in sexuality<\/a> and relationship concerns<\/a>. I strongly suggest you seek out a skilled therapist<\/a> who can assist you in navigating your path, whatever you decide. Best wishes along the way.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,
\nLisa<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lisa Vallejos, PhD, LPC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2597,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,384,25,41,139,388],"class_list":["post-27539","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sex-therapy","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27539","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2597"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27539"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27539\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27539"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27539"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27539"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}