{"id":27537,"date":"2015-04-10T08:00:16","date_gmt":"2015-04-10T15:00:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=27537"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:14:27","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:14:27","slug":"help-im-finally-clean-but-my-boyfriend-still-uses-drugs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-im-finally-clean-but-my-boyfriend-still-uses-drugs","title":{"rendered":"Help! I’m Finally Clean, but My Boyfriend Still Uses Drugs"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your question, and congratulations on your sobriety! Fifteen months is great; clearly, in spite of your current woes, you\u2019re doing something right.<\/p>\n

I think the answer to your question is in the question itself. Very often relationships that feel \u201cbroken,\u201d dysfunctional, and so on lead to an overall bad feeling about ourselves, or low self-worth<\/a> or self-esteem<\/a> that, actually, may precede the relationship itself. I have found in my clinical practice that it is not just the relationship that isn\u2019t working; it is the negative way we have come to see ourselves that defines who we seek as partners.<\/p>\n

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If we have a negative self-concept\u2014and I know few newly sober people who don\u2019t\u2014then we may seek out partners who have similar challenges with self-esteem, who then tend to act negatively toward others. Why should we act lovingly toward anyone \u201cdumb enough\u201d to be with us? Or, the flipside of the same coin: we feel we must treat with utmost deference anyone who would be gracious enough to come into our lives, since he or she is doing us such a tremendous favor. We therefore tend to dish out or absorb hurtful behavior that reflects a primal woundedness, unhealed and unconscious, guaranteed to keep us in relational unhappiness until squarely faced.<\/p>\n

Your boyfriend treats you with much less than the respect and care you deserve\u2014and you are obviously a caring soul\u2014leaving you in a state, I would imagine, of bewilderment and pain. I would assert that abusive relationships<\/a>, too, are cunning, baffling, and powerful, probably because there is an aspect of the partner that is \u201cgood\u201d or caring and aware of the hurtful outbursts, perhaps even expressing remorse after the curses and fists have flown. We also might feel we \u201cget\u201d the person more than anyone else\u2014that he or she is a sheep in wolf\u2019s clothing, etc., and deserves a chance when everyone else is so against him or her. (Surprisingly, I see a lot of abused husbands and boyfriends in my private practice.) But then it happens yet again, similar to a person with alcoholism<\/a> who rages while drunk and then makes \u201cnever again\u201d promises or refuses to talk about it.<\/p>\n

If we have a negative self-concept\u2014and I know few newly sober people who don\u2019t\u2014then we may seek out partners who have similar challenges with self-esteem, who then tend to act negatively toward others. <\/span><\/p>\n

It is not at all uncommon for people who have gotten clean and sober to discover a secondary \u201caddiction\u201d or compulsive behavior<\/a> (or even relationship or some kind). What you have going for you here is a dawning awareness that there is, indeed, something wrong with this picture: an excellent place to start. Try to keep your eyes and senses open to what your actual experience is here, rather than what \u201cought\u201d to happen or the \u201ctomorrow\u201d that might be better. I also suggest that you try one or two possible options, namely Al-Anon or CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous), as well as counseling, since the roots of your own relationship perceptions and beliefs probably, I venture, go very deep indeed. You might also seek out a women\u2019s group<\/a> in AA or a women\u2019s group where you can talk about these issues (often shameful and painful to discuss with others) and find proper support and feedback from others who have walked in your shoes (or similar shoes). It can be even more difficult to \u201cquit\u201d an abusive (or something like it) relationship, since we so often feel a strong tie with the \u201ccaring\u201d or more aware part of the person per the above, even if he\/she can\u2019t or won\u2019t stop. (And don\u2019t believe for a second, in your case, that he can\u2019t; he can, trust me, if there is enough consequence for his not doing so\u2014i.e., losing the relationship!)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s time to learn new ways to enforce boundaries, in other words, just as you have done so superbly with the drugs and booze: here again I suggest you define and then communicate to him and, if need be, enforce <\/em>these boundaries against any verbal, emotional, or physical behavior that crosses the line. There\u2019s no shame in the fact this is difficult, given longstanding beliefs and convictions about ourselves and what we do and don\u2019t deserve, beliefs which may again be unconscious or unarticulated. If we grew up in an abusive environment, we learned that we \u201cmust\u201d tolerate chaotic or hurtful behaviors that become commonplace.<\/p>\n

Finally, regarding the idea that your kids \u201cshould be enough\u201d: watch out for \u201cshoulds\u201d; they only make us feel worse about ourselves. A relationship with children\u2014and congratulations on making amends in that regard, by the way\u2014is naturally quite different than one with a partner. It\u2019s rather like saying, \u201cWhy do I need to eat vegetables, I eat plenty of protein and grains\u201d; holistically speaking, we seek and desire different types of love<\/a>, and naturally, parental love is quite different than intimate or romantic love, which is different than having good friends, etc.<\/p>\n

Also, try to remember that you are a role model for your children. You don\u2019t say if you have daughters or sons, but in either event your children will look to you as a prime example of what to expect from women (if they\u2019re male) or how\/what women ought to tolerate in their lives from men (if they\u2019re female). Also, I wonder if your ex-husband might feel more comfortable with expanding visitation times if he knew the boyfriend had stopped his acting out or (if he won\u2019t) were out of the picture? Is it safe for your kids if he is around? I don\u2019t know the details, but it\u2019s something to consider. Thanks again for writing. And keep up the good work in your recovery!<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[252,447,522,141,25,41],"class_list":["post-27537","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-abuse-neglect-survivors","tag-addictions-compulsions","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27537","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27537"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27537\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27537"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27537"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27537"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}