{"id":27472,"date":"2015-05-01T06:00:07","date_gmt":"2015-05-01T13:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=27472"},"modified":"2017-08-30T14:44:23","modified_gmt":"2017-08-30T21:44:23","slug":"parenting-with-discipline-what-type-of-parent-are-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/parenting-with-discipline-what-type-of-parent-are-you-0501154","title":{"rendered":"Parenting with Discipline: What Type of Parent Are You?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Father

Father and son sitting on a park bench<\/p><\/div>\n

As parents, we frequently focus on learning how best to \u201cdiscipline\u201d our children. Yet I find the greatest challenge in learning how to be, as a parent, disciplined.<\/p>\n

Parents must become savvy in the implementation of effective disciplinary strategies that are clear, reasonable, and enforceable, but\u2014more importantly\u2014parents first must test their own discipline as people. Disciplined parenting calls for heightened self-awareness.<\/p>\n

Much of the research on parenting styles has studied the ways in which parents are responsive as well as demanding. Responsiveness is about understanding and meeting needs, while demanding-ness is about establishing and enforcing expectations. Skillful parenting in these ways undergirds two fundamental, equally necessary forces in human development: attachment and autonomy.<\/p>\n

To the extent we are securely attached<\/a>, we experience trust and emotional connection which are critical to enhancing our capacity for relating well to others. To the extent we are responsibly autonomous, we are able to self-soothe and engage in independent tasks which are critical to living well in society.<\/p>\n

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Parenting challenges<\/a> such as attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles are nearly always expressions of underlying and unresolved needs functioning toward a child\u2019s development<\/a>. As parents, we must recognize in facing such behavior that we stand at a crossroads\u2014externally control our children\u2019s behavior or positively influence their intrinsic development?<\/p>\n

The American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr became famous for a prayer he often repeated in one form or another: \u201cLord, grant me the courage to change the things that I can, peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.\u201d In the context of parenting, at least, change is about control<\/a>.<\/p>\n

We must learn there are limits to the effectiveness of external control in cultivating the development of our children\u2019s character and resiliency, yet we can provide a great amount of powerful influence.<\/p>\n

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children\u2019s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.<\/span><\/p>\n

We must understand, for instance, that we cannot purely control our children\u2019s disobedient behavior<\/a>, refusal to do chores, sneakiness, shyness, moodiness, tantrums, demands, overreactions, unresponsiveness to affections or praise, or unwillingness to participate or connect.<\/p>\n

What we can<\/em> control, however, are the ways in which we establish rules and set limits, link privileges to responsibility, allow space and privacy, show interest and inquire into their lives, provide regular choices, use a calm yet firm voice, give our affections and praise, and plan and spend quality time together.<\/p>\n

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children\u2019s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage<\/a>, and skill.<\/p>\n

The Couch Potato<\/h2>\n

Some parents are disengaged from their children\u2019s lives and tend to be emotionally detached, practically uninvolved, and negligent in establishing expectations and guidance. I call these parents \u201ccouch potatoes.\u201d They are characterized by unresponsiveness to needs, few demands, and little communication.<\/p>\n

There are several ways to traumatize with neglect. Provide food and shelter, if that, but little else. Remain emotionally distant. Be selfish<\/a> and uncaring. Do not enforce any standards of any kind. Uninvolved parenting practically ensures that a child will fear and sabotage close relationships, experience heightened anxiety<\/a>, and have significant deficiencies in his or her capacity for empathy and even ethical decision-making.<\/p>\n

The Dictator<\/h2>\n

Some parents are highly demanding of their children but not responsive to their emotional needs. I call them \u201cdictatorial\u201d parents. These parents are generally characterized as more rigid, harsh, and demanding and tend to engage in provocative and punitive forms of discipline.<\/p>\n

There are several ways we can make<\/em> children behave\u2014force, fear, and punishment. Dictatorial\u00a0tactics serve to overpower a child. These methods may result in the restoration of order and compliance, yet far from nurturing unmet developmental needs, they simply make a child angry, resentful, fearful, and dependent upon force.<\/p>\n

The Peer<\/h2>\n

Some parents are highly responsive to their children\u2019s perceived emotional needs but not very demanding. They are overly responsive to a child\u2019s wants and seldom establish or enforce consistent rules or limits. I call them \u201cpeer\u201d parents. Others may characterize them as soft or pathetic in their approach to discipline.<\/p>\n

There are several ways we can get children off our backs\u2014whine, appease, avoid. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing with their children, yet may fail to engage in effective guidance. By overvaluing friendliness and undervaluing other aspects\u00a0and principles, parents may inadvertently reward or reinforce immature or deviant behavior.<\/p>\n

The Disciplined Parent<\/h2>\n

Parents who are highly attuned and responsive to their children\u2019s needs and are also highly demanding of them in guiding them toward maturity and independence are, by necessity, disciplined in their parenting. Disciplined parents are firm but not rigid; they are willing to make an exception when the situation warrants.<\/p>\n

Disciplined parenting engages in responsive and restorative discipline that focuses on instilling key values and skills, including self-soothing, delaying gratification, constructive communication, fairness, and citizenship. Disciplined parenting serves to empower a child, focusing on responding to developmental needs (the responsive aspect) and teaching how to make things right after they\u2019ve gone wrong (the restorative aspect).<\/p>\n

How would you describe your own approach to parenting and discipline?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Anyone can discipline a child, but disciplined parenting can make you more effective in promoting desired behavioral changes as well as character growth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2385,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,21,421,331,51,25,27],"class_list":["post-27472","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-oppositional-defiant-behavior-in-children-teens","tag-parent-work","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27472","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2385"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27472"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27472\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27472"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27472"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27472"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}