{"id":26876,"date":"2015-02-26T06:00:06","date_gmt":"2015-02-26T14:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=26876"},"modified":"2016-11-07T15:42:11","modified_gmt":"2016-11-07T23:42:11","slug":"the-most-important-thing-you-can-say-to-a-sex-abuse-survivor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/the-most-important-thing-you-can-say-to-a-sex-abuse-survivor-0226154","title":{"rendered":"The Most Important Thing You Can Say to a Sex Abuse Survivor"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"CoupleA friend, loved one, or family member pulls you aside to talk. He or she is normally quiet and reserved; this seems out of the ordinary.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have something very important to tell you. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s very hard for me to say,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the person admits. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have been sexually abused.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

How do you respond?<\/p>\n

Do you recognize how powerful this moment is for the person talking?<\/p>\n

For mental health professionals and non-mental health folks alike, being in the position of listener may seem daunting. In my work as a therapist, I have encountered many survivors of sexual abuse<\/a> at various stages of the healing process. Most often, such people describe abuse starting in childhood and reoccurring throughout life.<\/p>\n

In addition to the trauma<\/a> inflicted by the abuse itself, many survivors, if not all, describe a bad experience when they chose to disclose the abuse to someone they trusted. Disclosing abuse is an enormously important and highly stressful event that can mark a golden opportunity for the survivor to begin the healing process.<\/p>\n

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If navigated poorly by the listener, however, it can easily be a step backward.<\/p>\n

Many survivors of abuse hold on to memories of their abuse for years, typically denying, avoiding, or dissociating from them. It often takes an unthinkable amount of trust and vulnerability<\/a> to motivate a survivor of abuse to disclose these events and make them \u00e2\u20ac\u0153real.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

For those of us who have been on the listening end, it can be difficult to know what to do. The experience can be scary, and the unexpected and uncharted nature of the event may make us feel anxious<\/a>. We may feel dismissive or defensive if the person identified as the abuser is a close friend, loved one, or family member. In some situations, inadvertently or otherwise, we may even shift blame to the victim by saying things like, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why didn’t you say stop or call for help?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Were you drunk when this happened?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What were you dressed like?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d These reactions are antithetical to the help that the survivor worked so hard to seek.<\/p>\n

Before we cover what a person in the position of listener should<\/em> do, let’s explore what may have prevented a survivor from disclosing abuse earlier. Sexual abuse, especially if perpetrated by someone the survivor knows and has an ongoing relationship with (family member, friend, friend of a friend, etc.), typically comes with threats if the survivor speaks up or alerts authorities. Aside from direct threats from the perpetrator, survivors will often harbor their own fears<\/a> of consequences of disclosure, including:<\/p>\n