{"id":26784,"date":"2015-02-06T08:00:51","date_gmt":"2015-02-06T16:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=26784"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:13:02","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:13:02","slug":"i-caught-my-mom-cheating-and-she-begged-me-to-keep-it-secret","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/i-caught-my-mom-cheating-and-she-begged-me-to-keep-it-secret","title":{"rendered":"I Caught My Mom Cheating and She Begged Me to Keep It Secret"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. I imagine you feel like you either have to be disloyal to your mom and tell your dad, or be disloyal to your dad and keep this secret from him. That is a no-win situation.<\/p>\n

So, let’s look at it differently.<\/p>\n

Relationships between intimate partners<\/a> are complex, and your mom and dad will have to figure their own stuff out. Your mom’s choices about her relationship with your dad and the consequences of those choices really are between the two of them. I am not here to pass judgment about your mom’s apparent infidelity<\/a>. I will say that her asking you to hold her secret is a betrayal of her relationship with you. It is part of the unspoken parenting contract that parents don’t put their kids in a position to have to choose which parent to betray or be loyal to. That’s not right or fair. It doesn\u2019t matter if this was a one-time thing or a pattern of behavior\u2014it\u2019s not your role to weigh out the details and possible consequences.<\/p>\n

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I suggest you have a conversation with your mom but, for now, leave your dad and his feelings out if it. Focus instead on what her request is doing to you and to your relationship with her.\u00a0Asking you to hold her secret is asking you to carry the responsibility for her choices. That is a breach of trust<\/a> with you that could have long-lasting implications. It cannot be your responsibility to cover for her, nor should it be your responsibility to inform your dad. This isn’t about you loving her enough to keep her secret; it is about her loving you enough not to ask you to. You cannot force her to own her actions. If, however, when presented with your feelings she still chooses to put you on the middle, you may want to ask yourself what you are protecting.<\/p>\n

None of this is easy, so if you find yourself struggling, I suggest finding a therapist near you<\/a> to work through some of this with. No matter what happens, having some support may be beneficial in helping you move past this.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,
\nErika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[522,393,25,388],"class_list":["post-26784","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-dear-gt","tag-family-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26784","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26784"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26784\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26784"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26784"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26784"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}