{"id":26560,"date":"2015-01-28T08:00:35","date_gmt":"2015-01-28T16:00:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=26560"},"modified":"2024-03-05T16:52:04","modified_gmt":"2024-03-05T21:52:04","slug":"5-keys-to-keeping-love-alive-through-the-graveyard-shift","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/5-keys-to-keeping-love-alive-through-the-graveyard-shift-0128155","title":{"rendered":"5 Keys to Keeping Love Alive through the Graveyard Shift"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Editor\u2019s note:<\/strong>\u00a0How do egalitarian couples with a shared goal of equal partnership navigate differing work demands? In<\/em> deciding what to address this month for her ongoing series about relationships under intense work demands, the author grasped at what was right in front of her: the dynamics of partners who work different shifts. Specifically, this month she\u2019s writing about partners whose work hours are as different as night and day. How do partners with these contrasting schedules make it work?<\/em><\/p>\n

At the beginning of the month, my partner worked the second of two holidays at the hospital. As a resident physician in her department, she was given the choice to take off Christmas or New Year\u2019s, but not both. If you picked or were assigned off for Christmas, like she was, you had three glorious days\u2014from Christmas Eve through the day after Christmas\u2014where you didn\u2019t need to be at the hospital.<\/p>\n

Of course, if you were off for Christmas, you worked over New Year\u2019s. As I mentioned in an earlier column, my partner works in obstetrics and gynecology, and it turns out that people don\u2019t stop having babies just because it\u2019s a holiday.<\/p>\n

So for the week of New Year\u2019s, to cover for those on vacation like others had done for her, she worked a 24-hour shift every other day. Then she started a four-week block of nights.<\/p>\n

You can imagine our adjustment as a couple<\/a>\u2014from the rare shared-vacation bliss and relaxation, to full days where we don\u2019t see one another, to weeks where she\u2019s going to bed as I\u2019m getting up in the morning.<\/p>\n

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I fear the potential of living parallel lives with my partner, with no intersection or coming together. I think most of us in healthy relationships strive to avoid this possibility. But what do we do when our schedules don\u2019t line up?<\/p>\n

To keep a complex topic simple, I came up with a \u201ctop five\u201d tip list of common challenges and issues of contention for partners who work conflicting day\/night combinations. First up is the most obvious: partners who work contrasting shifts don\u2019t see each other nearly as often as they would like to!<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Recognize that loneliness may come, and strategize about how to effectively cope with it. <\/strong>A woman named Jess wrote a great piece for Offbeat Home and Life<\/em> (2013) reaffirming that, no, these schedules aren\u2019t ideal, especially at first, but there are perks. Partners may have the ability to confront codependent tendencies<\/a> and become more independent and self-assured. They can seek out their own friendships and hobbies\u2014after all, you aren\u2019t in a good place to take care of your partner if you\u2019re not taking care of yourself<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  2. Make time for intimacy and connection. <\/strong>Find effective ways to have sex<\/a>, make decisions, and resolve conflicts. For one couple, what were usually conflicting times of sexual arousal (before bed and in the morning) actually worked out well when their work schedules didn\u2019t otherwise match up. Bernstein (2014) writes that \u201cphysical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress<\/a> and promotes bonding.\u201d Some contact is crucial! Regarding decision making: Dr. Tina Tessina (n.d.) points out that when two partners aren\u2019t home at the same time for days on end, some decisions will likely need to be made unilaterally, which can \u201ccreate an uncomfortable change in the power structure of your relationship.\u201d Partners need to discuss and get onboard with that reality. Tessina also spells out some great ways of resolving conflicts with schedule restrictions in the mix.<\/li>\n
  3. Respect your partner\u2019s sleep needs\u2014and your own. <\/strong>Jess of Offbeat Home<\/em> (2013) cautions that it can be tempting to wake up your partner to get him or her to spend time with you, and it can also be tempting to neglect sleep in favor of precious time together, but resist doing either of these in excess. Less sleep for either of you (or both!) can lead to chronic cycles of dysfunction and feud. In her Babble<\/em> column \u201cLove on Opposite Shifts,\u201d Chaunie Brusie (2014) writes that a coworker was so resentful of her night shift-working husband seeming to \u201csleep the day away\u201d that she started counting the hours he slept, only to find that he was sleeping normal amounts.\u00a0Bonus! Enjoy a higher quality of sleep: <\/strong>There\u2019s evidence to suggest that couples sleeping separately can reduce sleep disturbances<\/a> (BBC News, 2009; CBC News, 2013) and actually promote peace instead of escalating tensions based on differing sleep needs (Bernstein, 2014), so to boost all of our relationship-egos I\u2019ve included references about sleeping separately in the list below. I know that this largely excludes the effects of working nights on circadian rhythm<\/a> and that it\u2019s nearly impossible to revel in the silver lining when your arrangement isn\u2019t one you\u2019ve chosen for this reason, but it\u2019s still worth noting.<\/li>\n
  4. Utilize technology creatively and often. <\/strong>Sending picture texts or updates about your day, calling to say goodnight at a bedtime that\u2019s not your own\u2014these efforts can go a long way.<\/li>\n
  5. Rekindle the lost art of love letters! <\/strong>We write love<\/a> notes often, so this isn\u2019t something different when my partner goes on nights, but last year, when our work schedules prevented us from seeing one another for days on end while we were both working action-packed jobs, our letters became more vivid and interesting, and I felt closer to her for sharing them. Plus, it was easy to see how much the other person missed us. It feels good to be missed. So long as there\u2019s a payoff, missing your partner is the sign of a good thing\u2014not a symptom of impending doom.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Whatever your schedule and sleep needs, I hope you find peace after reading that there are others like you who are making their partnerships work in reliably creative ways.<\/p>\n

    Be well!<\/p>\n

    References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. BBC News. (2009). Bed sharing \u2018bad for your health.\u2019 BBC News.<\/em> Retrieved from http:\/\/news.bbc.co.uk\/2\/hi\/8245578.stm<\/li>\n
    2. Bernstein, E. (2014). Couples on different sleeps schedules can expect conflict\u2014and adapt. Wall Street Journal<\/em>. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.wsj.com\/articles\/couples-on-different-sleep-schedules-can-expect-conflictand-adapt-1410217854<\/li>\n
    3. Brusie, C. (2014). Love on opposite shifts. Babble<\/em>. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.babble.com\/relationships\/love-on-opposite-shifts-2\/<\/li>\n
    4. CBC News. (2013). More couples opting to sleep in separate beds, study suggests. CBC News<\/em>. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.cbc.ca\/news\/health\/more-couples-opting-to-sleep-in-separate-beds-study-suggests-1.1316019<\/li>\n
    5. J. (2012). Shift work: Learning to love our offbeat schedules. Offbeat Home & Life.<\/em> Retrieved from http:\/\/offbeathome.com\/2013\/02\/different-schedules<\/li>\n
    6. Tessina, T. (n.d.). Marriage advice for work schedules: Same love, different shifts. Your Tango<\/em>. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.yourtango.com\/experts\/dr-tina-tessina\/dr-romance-married-different-shifts<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      You work days. Your partner works nights. How do you maintain a sense of connection and intimacy? Here are five tips for couples in such situations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2908,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,41,424],"class_list":["post-26560","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-workplace-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26560","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2908"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26560"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26560\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26560"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26560"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26560"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}