{"id":26528,"date":"2015-01-22T08:00:24","date_gmt":"2015-01-22T16:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=26528"},"modified":"2015-10-19T10:11:18","modified_gmt":"2015-10-19T17:11:18","slug":"you-found-out-your-partner-uses-porn-now-what","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/you-found-out-your-partner-uses-porn-now-what-0122155","title":{"rendered":"You Found Out Your Partner Uses Porn. Now What?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"SearchingIn today\u2019s world, pornography use has become quite common. In fact, 40 million Americans are regular visitors to pornographic sites, 12% of all websites are pornographic in nature, and 25% of all search-engine requests are for porn. Does this high prevalence mean it\u2019s OK? Does the fact it is common mean it is harmless? Does the fact it is widespread mean it\u2019s all right for all individuals and couples?<\/p>\n

If it is not OK with you, then it is not OK in your relationship. When one or both parties have an issue with pornography use, it needs to be addressed.<\/p>\n

Most people I encounter in my practice for whom porn is an issue \u201cdiscover\u201d a partner\u2019s secret pornography use. It\u2019s not something they share together. Due to the fact it is kept secret, it\u2019s typically toxic. Would your partner be doing this if you were standing right there? Would your partner be fine with you knowing? Do you watch pornography as a couples activity? If the answers to all of these questions are no, then the pornography is likely a problem in your relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Of course there are relationships in which pornography use is mutually condoned and enjoyed. But if your relationship isn\u2019t one of them, you might be thinking, \u201cWhat do I do now?\u201d<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist for Sex \/ Sexuality<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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If you feel like your partner\u2019s pornography use is a violation of trust<\/a>, like it is some sort of infidelity<\/a>,\u00a0or feel disgusted and hurt, try these suggestions:<\/p>\n

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  1. Take a moment to process things.<\/strong> If you haven\u2019t already had an all-out argument, take a day or a week to think, calm yourself, and prepare for how you will talk to your partner about this. According to John Gottman<\/a>\u2019s reseach on couples, the first few minutes of a conversation generally determine the outcome. Start your conversation right!<\/li>\n
  2. Remember: this is not your fault.<\/strong> Your partner\u2019s pornography use likely is not because he or she finds you unattractive, and it is also probably not because you have been having sex less frequently<\/a>. Multiple studies show that one consequence of frequent pornography use is reduced interest in sex with one\u2019s partner. So you may have been having less sex because of the pornography\u2014but probably not the other way around.<\/li>\n
  3. Ask questions about the pornography use.<\/strong> Attempt to have a mature and calm conversation about your partner\u2019s use. How long has this been going on? How often does he or she look at pornography? What kind of pornography does he\/she look at? Does he\/she pay for it? Does he\/she use interactive websites or passive videos? How does he\/she feel about his\/her use? Does he\/she feel guilty<\/a>? Does he\/she say \u201cit\u2019s not a big deal\u201d or \u201ceveryone does it\u201d? What is his\/her reaction to you knowing? Though it might be tempting to raise your voice, calmly tell your partner how hurt and offended you may be; try your best to simply gather information. This is the time to let your partner talk about what it means. You\u2019ll get your chance.<\/li>\n
  4. Tell your partner what pornography use means to you.<\/strong> Talk about feelings of betrayal, jealousy<\/a>, or shame<\/a>. Talk about your insecurities. Talk about your fear that this will slide into another form of betrayal, secrecy, or sexual infidelity. Talk about how you may now be feeling pressure to perform in the bedroom, thinking that he or she will be comparing you to what he\/she has seen. One study reports one of the most common negative results of pornography is women feeling that they must behave like porn actors and actresses.<\/li>\n
  5. Come up with a plan. <\/strong>Talk about where you go from here. Assuming it\u2019s what you want, is your partner promising to quit? Is your partner defensive and feeling like he or she shouldn\u2019t have to stop? Can you agree on a plan? If not, consider seeking a couples or marital therapist<\/a> to help you come up with a compromise. Some people may say that they are willing to stop but find it difficult or feel compelled to look at pornography. If this is the case, I encourage seeking guidance from a therapist who specializes in pornography addiction<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Pornography use can be a sensitive topic for many because it involves intimate and personal acts. It can trigger insecurity, mistrust, anxiety<\/a>, and depression<\/a>. It\u2019s OK if you are not OK with your partner looking at pornography. Just because it is common does not mean that you must be OK with it. Just as you have other rules in your relationship, talking about pornography use will help clarify your values as a couple and your expectations intimately.<\/p>\n

    References:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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    1. The Stats on Internet Pornography. Retrieved from http:\/\/thedinfographics.com\/2011\/12\/23\/internet-pornography-statistics\/<\/li>\n
    2. Gottman, J., and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2013). The Empirical Basis for Gottman Couples Therapy. Retrieved from https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/EmpiricalBasis-Update3.pdf<\/li>\n
    3. Kirkova, D. (2013). Vanilla Sex is OUT, Porn Addiction is IN: Disturbing Survey Reveals How Porn is Damaging Our Relationships. Daily Mail<\/em>. Retrieved from http:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/femail\/article-2264419\/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html#ixzz2OfMGpMJ6<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      If your partner’s use of pornography is a problem for you, it’s a problem for the relationship. Here are five suggestions to help you address the issue.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2778,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,41,439,139,388],"class_list":["post-26528","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sex-addiction","tag-sex-therapy","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26528","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2778"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26528"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26528\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26528"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26528"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26528"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}