Thanks for your question. Six years is a long time to be living with this kind of uncertainty! And not only is this situation more common than you might realize, but the concept of certainty, or security, is often at the heart of this existential dilemma\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhich is something all of us want and need, though it often proves elusive.<\/p>\n
When we begin an affair<\/a> with someone who is unavailable (via marriage or otherwise), there is certainty in the fact we definitely want<\/em> him or her but can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t<\/em>. This creates a very specific kind of focus around the question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Will he or she leave or not?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If the answer is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yes,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d very often it seems to be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153evidence\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of our worthiness: that we and not the other woman (or man) is the winner. We may start to feel resentful of our lover\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s spouse, thinking he or she doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t deserve the one we love. There may be guilt<\/a>, too, or most likely a mixture of conflicting feelings and desires.<\/p>\n Then one day it happens, and he or she is ours\u00e2\u20ac\u201dexcept the imagined happy life we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been yearning for isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t exactly all that; it may even be more complicated, our feelings difficult to untangle. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s common that, rather than wanting the partner to choose us, we find ourselves preoccupied with \u00e2\u20ac\u0153proof\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that the past will not repeat itself, that our beloved will not leave us<\/em> for someone else.<\/p>\n