{"id":25629,"date":"2014-10-24T08:00:15","date_gmt":"2014-10-24T15:00:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=25629"},"modified":"2016-05-23T02:09:13","modified_gmt":"2016-05-23T09:09:13","slug":"should-i-give-my-emotionally-abusive-husband-another-chance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/should-i-give-my-emotionally-abusive-husband-another-chance","title":{"rendered":"Should I Give My Emotionally Abusive Husband Another Chance?"},"content":{"rendered":"

You are in a tough spot. You have been\u00a0married for 16 years, and of course there\u2019s a part of you that would love to see him change and spare all of you the challenges that come with restructuring your family. That makes total sense to me. I can\u2019t tell you what to do, but I think one of the most telling parts of your question is the presence of apparent\u00a0emotional manipulation<\/a> in his pleas to give him a second chance. I say “apparent” because, although his pleas feel manipulative to you and might very well be strategic, we have to leave open the possibility that the guilt trips are unintentional manifestations of the pain your husband is experiencing. You would know better than me how authentic those pleas are.<\/p>\n

Whatever the case, though,\u00a0it’s clear that\u00a0he has some work to do. There are plenty of other signals in your narrative\u2014verbal and emotional abuse<\/a>, controlling\/limiting\/tracking behaviors, denying social connections\u2014that should alarm you.\u00a0Those signals are not consistent with a healthy relationship.<\/p>\n

The way I see it, here are the possible scenarios: he has or has not changed and you do or do not call off the divorce<\/a>. Best case, he has changed and you call off the divorce and, with the help of a marriage counselor, develop a strong and healthy relationship<\/a>. Worst case, you call off the divorce and it becomes clear in the following weeks\/months\/years that he has not changed and he reverts to abusive behaviors.<\/p>\n

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I can\u2019t tell you the likelihood of either scenario in your specific situation, but in my experience, change like the kind your husband is talking about takes time and committed work. In the meantime, I would be concerned about your well-being<\/a> and the well-being of your children. His intentions may be to change, but there is significant work to be done to implement those changes consistently. Has he started working with a counselor to address his behaviors? How does he react when you don\u2019t give him answers he likes? Do you feel heard, accepted, and safe? If the answer is not a resounding \u201cyes,\u201d there is still work to be done.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look at some alternative scenarios. What if you continue with the divorce and he shows he is committed to changing? There is nothing to say you can\u2019t let him back into your life in the future if you trust that his changes are real and you feel safe doing so.<\/p>\n

If you continue with the divorce, however, and the negative behaviors continue or escalate, you will know that you made the right decision. It is not unusual for the angry party to try to place the blame for his or her reaction on the other person; if only you had taken him back, it would be different<\/em>. Don\u2019t buy into that. Either he will choose to operate in this world in a peaceful, kind manner, or he won\u2019t. If his choice is dependent on getting what he wants, then that change is not likely to last.<\/p>\n

Best of luck!
\nErika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,395,413,25,41],"class_list":["post-25629","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-abuse","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25629","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25629"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25629\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25629"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25629"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25629"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}