{"id":25451,"date":"2014-09-30T06:00:07","date_gmt":"2014-09-30T13:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=25451"},"modified":"2015-04-14T13:55:57","modified_gmt":"2015-04-14T20:55:57","slug":"when-cross-dressing-puts-relationships-in-the-crosshairs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/when-cross-dressing-puts-relationships-in-the-crosshairs-0930144","title":{"rendered":"When Cross-Dressing Puts Relationships in the Crosshairs"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"BlackA long time ago, my (much older) bachelor next-door neighbor confided in me that his pleasure in life was purely “sartorial.\u201d Unfamiliar with the term, I ran to my dictionary and learned sartorial meant \u201cpertaining to clothing, especially men\u2019s.\u201d But this distinguished college professor was no dandy\u2014his clothes appeared unremarkable, plain, and masculine.<\/p>\n

As we became better and better friends, he confessed to me that his sartorial interests were with feminine clothing, and that he had been wearing female lingerie under his tweed suits for many years. He lamented that he had lost his last girlfriend years before when \u201cthe allure of her panties reared its satin head.\u201d What offered a sexual turn-on for him was a turn-off for her.<\/p>\n

He wanted my help with shopping for dresses, but I was wearing work shirts and overalls\u2014this was the early 1970s, and nobody condemned me for dressing like a male farm worker! Since I couldn\u2019t offer shopping assistance, I spent time with him and listened.<\/p>\n

Henry was lonely and felt keenly isolated<\/a>. He felt he didn\u2019t fit in with gay<\/a> men. \u201cThey would think I\u2019m a homosexual hiding out in the closet and avoiding my desire for another man,\u201d he would say. He thought transgender<\/a> people also disdained him: \u201cThey think I don\u2019t have the guts to act on my transsexual longings.\u201d Henry was sexually attracted to women.<\/p>\n

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Since that time, I\u2019ve learned much more about cross-dressing, a type of compulsion or need that some people, primarily men, have to dress like another\u00a0gender<\/a>, also known as \u201ctransvestism<\/a>.\u201d Apparently Henry\u2019s sweetheart was fine with this until he began raiding her underwear drawer.<\/p>\n

Most male cross-dressers I\u2019ve met since then are heterosexual, married, and the last guys you\u2019d imagine dressing like a girl. Many choose macho professions to help hide or mitigate the feminine side of themselves\u2014jobs such as firefighter, auto mechanic, or plumber. A male cross-dresser may derive sexual excitement<\/a> by identifying with a woman, but he can still maintain a heterosexual consciousness when out in the world.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what happened to Henry. I know he yearned for a female partner who would understand. He especially hoped that one day he would marry a woman who could accept him with all his quirks and proclivities. Back then I don\u2019t believe there was as much support available as there is now.<\/p>\n

Guys reading this while wearing frilly garb might be concerned about being caught. This fear<\/a> is shared by many cross-dressers. You might want to look at the most recent edition of The Tranny Guide<\/em>, sometimes referred to as \u201cthe tranny bible\u201d\u2014a book full of helpful and humorous suggestions. Laughter can really help! Another book that many people have found useful is The Man in the Red Velvet Dress<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Therapy<\/a> won\u2019t take away your desire to cross-dress, but it can help you find peace with yourself, especially if your intimate relationships<\/a> are being adversely affected.<\/p>\n

So, what if you\u2019re a wife or girlfriend discovering your guy\u2019s sartorial interests? I recommend a 90-day \u201cchill\u201d period before taking any drastic measures. Talk to him about what he does and why. Read anything written by Frances Fairfax, especially A Wives\u2019 Bill of Rights<\/em>. Look at the site for The Society for the Second Self<\/a> or \u201cTri-Ess,\u201d a national organization for cross-dressers, their wives, and their families. These folks do everything from campouts to discussion groups to bus tours, and they may be able to help you find a local support group.<\/p>\n

One wife told me years ago that it would have been easier to accept her husband if he announced he was gay. She felt scared she would lose \u201cthe butch part of him\u2014the manly part.\u201d That didn\u2019t happen. Over time, she came to terms with it: \u201cThere are worse things he could be doing, and I\u2019ve found he\u2019s the same guy I fell in love with before he broke out the Little Bo Peep outfit for Halloween. I don\u2019t always condone his fashion statements, but I don\u2019t need to divorce<\/a> him, either.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Cross-dressing, or transvestism, involves a person\u2014usually male\u2014wearing clothing typically associated with another gender. It can test some relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1044,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[31,434,25,41,139],"class_list":["post-25451","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-identity-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25451","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1044"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25451"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25451\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}