{"id":25227,"date":"2014-08-29T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-08-29T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=25227"},"modified":"2024-01-16T13:07:54","modified_gmt":"2024-01-16T18:07:54","slug":"my-wife-wants-an-open-marriage-i-dont-now-what","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/my-wife-wants-an-open-marriage-i-dont-now-what","title":{"rendered":"My Wife Wants an Open Marriage. I Don’t. Now What?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thanks for your question. I can only imagine your bewilderment and confusion; things are humming along fine and suddenly, out of nowhere, your wife is asking you to play the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153keys in the bowl\u00e2\u20ac\u009d game from the 1970s. It sounds like you have a strong marital connection<\/a> and are completely taken aback by the question, which is understandable. I would feel the same in your shoes.<\/p>\n

Here is the key quote, far as I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m concerned: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She says it would be \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcjust sex,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 we would make the rules in advance, no feelings involved. It sounds so simple but I am not sure that is how it works.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Frankly, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure that <\/em>it works, period. To my mind there is no such thing as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153just sex.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d We westernized, Cartesian types seem to think we can neatly separate mind and body, but this is a conceptual fantasy that I think has to be done away with. Emotion<\/a> is irreversibly intertwined with every facet of our being. Even being extremely intellectual has emotional overtones; lack of emotion (coldness, sternness, etc.) is itself an emotion or affect, as we say in psychology<\/a>. This \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no feelings involved\u00e2\u20ac\u009d doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make sense because clearly your wife is expressing some desire <\/em>(i.e., a feeling) for a new sexual experience<\/a>. The question is, why?<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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Because of the intensely physical nature of sex, we tend to think of it as outside the spectrum of the day-to-day relationship\u00e2\u20ac\u201dits own special category. I find, though, that the couples who relate together mate together. Sex is on a continuum that includes the mundane interactions of paying bills, housework, schedules, and so on. It puts too much pressure on a couple to have a somewhat routine existence drained of spontaneity and playfulness and then expect sparks in the bedroom. My hunch\u00e2\u20ac\u201dfrom a distance, of course\u00e2\u20ac\u201dis that your wife feels something is missing and wants to go outside the relationship to find it. Why is that? What is she not finding between the two of you that she needs to take such an emotional risk of bringing another partner into it? And it is a risk, no matter what anyone says. Sex involves desires that are unconscious, and the latter is always a wild card (which is part of sexuality\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s exciting appeal). Of course, my attitude would be different if you were in favor, but you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re obviously strongly opposed.<\/p>\n

Are there ways in which she can express some of those desires with you? Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by not <\/em>saying something or making a request for something new? Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? Are there ways you two can \u00e2\u20ac\u0153shake things up\u00e2\u20ac\u009d a bit in the romance and sex department? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her <\/em>she wants to let out but is afraid? (Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.)<\/p>\n

You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling<\/a> to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires. Thanks again for writing.<\/p>\n

Best,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[522,384,535,25,41,139],"class_list":["post-25227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-dear-gt","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-jealousy","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25227"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25227\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}