{"id":24979,"date":"2014-08-04T06:00:58","date_gmt":"2014-08-04T13:00:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=24979"},"modified":"2014-09-18T17:04:22","modified_gmt":"2014-09-19T00:04:22","slug":"redefining-selfish-why-you-should-put-yourself-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/redefining-selfish-why-you-should-put-yourself-first-0804144","title":{"rendered":"Redefining ‘Selfish’: Why You Should Put Yourself First"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"enviousPsst. I have a little secret for you. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let anyone know I told you this: Be selfish<\/a>. I know that sounds like terrible advice. In fact, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the extreme opposite of what our mothers told us growing up. What we learned was: to be selfish was a terrible thing; a dirty name; a personality trait that no good girl or boy would ever want to be accused of owning. That word can also be a wonderful tool for inducing shame and getting people to behave the way you want them to. If it were an archaic word, growing dusty on the shelf of our childhood, rarely used, I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t write this article. Instead, that word is so commonly thrown about, tossed from husband to wife, mother to child, our self to our self, leaving guilt<\/a>, shame<\/a>, and self-doubt<\/a> in its wake, that it demands investigation.<\/p>\n

The Webster\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Dictionary definition of selfish is: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If we look at the definition closely, we can see what all those mothers were upset about: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153caring only<\/em> for oneself,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153concerned primarily<\/em> with one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s own \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 regardless of others.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Those phrases do sound pretty heartless, bringing the image of Scrooge to mind. But the rest, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153caring for oneself\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153concerned with one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s interests, benefits, welfare, etc.,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d address a way of being that we all are, or should be, instinctually doing: taking care of ourselves. That makes it a little confusing; the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish\u00e2\u20ac\u009d contains both something integral to human safety, and a harsh censure against it.<\/p>\n

This is not to say there aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t people who act within the literal definition of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and whoshould be made aware that their behavior is harmful to themselves and others. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m concerned about the nonliteral, inappropriate use of the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I worry about the people, so wary of incurring condemnation for their actions and receiving the title of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that they confuse healthy behavior with unhealthy, and become immobilized.<\/p>\n

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The phrase \u00e2\u20ac\u0153self-care<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is the argument for the necessity of taking care of our physical and emotional well-being, becoming much more popular and widely used in recent years, encouraging people to take better care of themselves: getting regular check-ups, eating healthy foods, getting adequate sleep, enjoying their favorite activities and so on. Even if people are aware of the necessity of self-care, especially in regards to emotional well-being, it may still be hard to do.<\/p>\n

We need to take care of ourselves, but too many people don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. The reasons are numerous; usually stemming from lessons learned in childhood, possibly suggesting a history of neglect, low self-esteem<\/a>, poor role models, and more than we can consider here. Those deep personal reasons, in combination with society\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s excessive concern about not being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d may stop many people from taking care of themselves in the ways they should.<\/p>\n

The truth is, the way the word is misused, everything we do for ourselves could be considered selfish if there is another person who doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want us to do it. But what if the action we are attempting to take is important, healthy, and necessary, and the desire of the other person to stop us from doing it is selfish? No, disregarding others is not an accurate measure to determine whether you are being selfish. Sometimes we must disregard others in order to take care of ourselves. That can be an extremely difficult thing to do.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve had numerous experiences of putting your needs ahead of someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s: disappointing the cook by resisting the cake, refusing your child to care for yourself, saying no to the friend and yes to you. On the other hand, how many of you have regretfully eaten that cake, given in to the child, or sacrificed your own wishes for your friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s? And if these are the small choices, how well do we manage the major ones? People acquiesce to having children they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want, pursuing careers they didn’t choose, marrying partners they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t love<\/a>. This doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t lead to happiness<\/a> for anyone involved.<\/p>\n

If we become so afraid to take care of ourselves because we fear being judged, then who is supposed to take care of us? Having received harsh warnings about selfishness, many people become dependent on others for their happiness. They hope others will know what they need and will provide it. This can become a helpless position to be in, hindering the individual\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s self-awareness and self-efficacy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It seems both a heavy burden and a confusing task to ignore your wants and needs and to instead focus on guessing and fulfilling the wants and needs of others, all while expecting others to be doing the same for you. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s like the adage, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You wash my back and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll wash yours,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d except that in this case, they can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wash their backs unless the other person does it for them. Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it make more sense if we, who should know ourselves better than anyone else, were responsible for taking care of our own needs?<\/p>\n

So my suggestion next time the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153selfish\u00e2\u20ac\u009d comes up, either with another person or with you, is that instead of shame and shutdown it leads to thought and exploration. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Selfish\u00e2\u20ac\u009d can lead to greater insight into yourself or your relationships. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Selfish\u00e2\u20ac\u009d should be examined on a case-by-case basis, examined to see if the accuser is attempting to get their own way, examined as a guide to what you really want, examined to see if you really are being inconsiderate of others, examined in order to generate solutions that could satisfy both parties, or, if that fails, examined to see if your personal need is important enough to you that you must proceed regardless of the other.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em> \u00e2\u20ac\u201dOscar Wilde<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

From a young age, we are told all the reasons it is bad to be selfish\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand, of course, it often is. But there’s another, healthier side to selfishness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2882,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[542],"tags":[31,25,47],"class_list":["post-24979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-featured-articles","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-care"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2882"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24979"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24979\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}