{"id":24724,"date":"2014-07-25T08:00:27","date_gmt":"2014-07-25T15:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=24724"},"modified":"2016-05-20T20:00:58","modified_gmt":"2016-05-21T03:00:58","slug":"help-my-wife-is-spending-us-into-bankruptcy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-wife-is-spending-us-into-bankruptcy","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Wife Is Spending Us into Bankruptcy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce<\/a>. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion<\/a> that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help \u2026 for both you and <\/em>your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction<\/a>. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both <\/em>parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and\/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and\/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, \u201cWelp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.\u201d You might <\/em>want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information\u2019s sake\u2014like tips on how to protect yourself financially\u2014but I honestly don\u2019t think that\u2019s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)\u2014and that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible.<\/em> Even if she doesn\u2019t agree to the couples counseling<\/a>, I suggest you \u2026<\/li>\n
  2. Get yourself<\/em> a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever \u2026 so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience\u2019s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  3. Attend a few Al-Anon<\/a> meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member \u201cwhose drinking or sobriety is bothering\u201d the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion<\/a> and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it\u2019s the decisions and actions taken I\u2019m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about \u201cmy wife\u2019s addiction\u201d or talk to people afterward; I\u2019d be surprised if at least a handful didn\u2019t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.<\/li>\n
  4. I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous<\/a> was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I\u2019d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive \u201cdebting.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
    \n\t

    Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
    \n\n\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

    You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you\u2019re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.<\/p>\n

    Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you\u2019ve tried some or all of the above, you\u2019ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you\u2019re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you\u2019re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you\u2019re both doing something, and she\u2019s \u201cfollowing along\u201d rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different <\/em>or you\u2019re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use \u201cI feel\u201d rather than \u201cyou\u201d statements; as in \u201cI feel terrified,\u201d \u201cI feel hurt\u201d by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later \u201chits bottom\u201d in realizing she is in fact drowning.<\/p>\n

    You may be thinking \u201cwhy is she doing this to me<\/em>,\u201d but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania<\/a>, or is avoiding some kind of trauma<\/a>, or is somehow addicted to the powerful \u201chigh\u201d of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.<\/p>\n

    If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me<\/a>. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.<\/p>\n

    Kind regards,
    \nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[430,522,25,41],"class_list":["post-24724","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-compulsive-spending","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24724","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24724"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24724\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24724"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24724"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24724"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}