{"id":24724,"date":"2014-07-25T08:00:27","date_gmt":"2014-07-25T15:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=24724"},"modified":"2016-05-20T20:00:58","modified_gmt":"2016-05-21T03:00:58","slug":"help-my-wife-is-spending-us-into-bankruptcy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/help-my-wife-is-spending-us-into-bankruptcy","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Wife Is Spending Us into Bankruptcy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce<\/a>. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion<\/a> that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 for both you and <\/em>your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction<\/a>. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both <\/em>parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and\/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and\/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Welp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You might <\/em>want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sake\u00e2\u20ac\u201dlike tips on how to protect yourself financially\u00e2\u20ac\u201dbut I honestly don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible.<\/em> Even if she doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t agree to the couples counseling<\/a>, I suggest you \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/li>\n
  2. Get yourself<\/em> a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists<\/a>.<\/li>\n
  3. Attend a few Al-Anon<\/a> meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member \u00e2\u20ac\u0153whose drinking or sobriety is bothering\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion<\/a> and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the decisions and actions taken I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my wife\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s addiction\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or talk to people afterward; I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be surprised if at least a handful didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.<\/li>\n
  4. I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous<\/a> was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive \u00e2\u20ac\u0153debting.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    [fat_widget_left]<\/p>\n

    You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.<\/p>\n

    Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve tried some or all of the above, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both doing something, and she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153following along\u00e2\u20ac\u009d rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different <\/em>or you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feel\u00e2\u20ac\u009d rather than \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you\u00e2\u20ac\u009d statements; as in \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feel terrified,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I feel hurt\u00e2\u20ac\u009d by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hits bottom\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in realizing she is in fact drowning.<\/p>\n

    You may be thinking \u00e2\u20ac\u0153why is she doing this to me<\/em>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania<\/a>, or is avoiding some kind of trauma<\/a>, or is somehow addicted to the powerful \u00e2\u20ac\u0153high\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.<\/p>\n

    If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me<\/a>. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.<\/p>\n

    Kind regards,
    \nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[430,522,25,41],"class_list":["post-24724","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-compulsive-spending","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24724","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24724"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24724\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24724"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24724"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24724"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}