{"id":24358,"date":"2014-06-27T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-06-27T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=24358"},"modified":"2016-05-20T19:59:21","modified_gmt":"2016-05-21T02:59:21","slug":"how-do-i-shake-the-anger-i-feel-after-my-husbands-affair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/how-do-i-shake-the-anger-i-feel-after-my-husbands-affair","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Shake the Anger I Feel after My Husband’s Affair?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Feeling angry<\/a> is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity<\/a>. Your husband broke your trust. Your relationship<\/a> has been damaged. All of this is very real and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.<\/p>\n

Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. I\u2019m guessing you are also tremendously hurt. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your pain, but it will slow your healing. Admitting and confronting the pain behind the anger is essential, and it requires vulnerability\u2014which is hard when you are dealing with this kind of breach of trust<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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Time, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what it is you might need from your husband to help you with that healing. I\u2019m guessing that right now apologetic words and acts of contrition are not helping you let go and move on. Often, when we have been hurt, we need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are. Your husband may think he has accepted responsibility and gets how hurt you are, but it can take time for the empathy<\/a> you need to feel from him to actually be heard and felt in a meaningful way. Until that happens, the rest of the healing\u2014grieving<\/a>, letting go, reconnecting\u2014can\u2019t really move forward.<\/p>\n

There are many ways people choose to apologize, and some really are better than others. \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d alone rarely makes us feel better. \u201cI\u2019m sorry for everything\u201d can also feel general and unsatisfying. If, however, we hear, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for doing [specific action] and making you feel [accurate reflection of feeling],\u201d we can feel understood and see that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us move forward.<\/p>\n

While you are waiting to feel that empathy, however, there are steps you can take to reduce your distress. Although your husband\u2019s actions created this situation, his actions alone won\u2019t necessarily change it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make us feel a certain way\u2014we have a part in choosing our own reactions. What we feel often comes from the meaning we make of an event. What does this affair mean to you? What are you telling yourself about it?<\/p>\n

For example, are you telling yourself that his affair means he doesn\u2019t love you or doesn\u2019t love you enough? Are you dealing with fear<\/a> that it will happen again? Are you stuck on the message, \u201cI didn\u2019t deserve this. How could he do this to me? This isn\u2019t right\u201d? By uncovering those messages, you can look at the ones that are keeping you stuck in a place of anger and work to let those go. This will take time and work. You can\u2019t just flip the angry\/not angry switch. Having an open conversation with your husband about the time you need to work through your thoughts and feelings can be helpful. Letting him know what you need from him during that time can help engage him in the healing process and also start the two of you working toward becoming partners again.<\/p>\n

One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, \u201cIt\u2019s not fair. He\/She had an affair and \u2018gets away\u2019 with it because I want to stay married.\u201d That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. In truth, nobody is getting away with anything. Both of you have lost the relationship you had. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his actions are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you \u201cget\u201d to be the forgiving<\/a> spouse, and he is stuck being the one who \u201cdid you wrong.\u201d That\u2019s not a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. I don\u2019t say this to minimize your pain. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other.<\/p>\n

The past cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a choice. If you truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.<\/p>\n

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we\u2019ve been hurt is very human but ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect. You say you don\u2019t want to lose him, but something has been lost. The relationship you had prior to the affair is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is also OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor<\/a> who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair. You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new. You cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and, yes, anger.<\/p>\n

Best of luck,
\nErika<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2592,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[231,522,384,25,41],"class_list":["post-24358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-anger","tag-dear-gt","tag-infidelity-affair-recovery","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2592"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24358\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}