{"id":24189,"date":"2014-06-06T08:00:59","date_gmt":"2014-06-06T15:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=24189"},"modified":"2016-05-20T19:58:59","modified_gmt":"2016-05-21T02:58:59","slug":"why-cant-my-wife-let-me-unwind-at-the-pub-after-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/why-cant-my-wife-let-me-unwind-at-the-pub-after-work","title":{"rendered":"Why Can’t My Wife Let Me Unwind at the Pub after Work?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your letter. This kind of issue comes up frequently with couples, particularly early on in one\u2019s marriage or partnership<\/a>. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse (or partner, I use the words interchangeably here) may roll her (or his) eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently. It may be the same for a woman who just HAS to see Bruno Mars or Dave Matthews or Prince for the first or umpteenth time, or buy those Jimmy Choos at 25% off.<\/p>\n

In this case, the symbolic \u201cevent\u201d or activity revolves around something even more potentially charged with meaning: alcohol and drinking<\/a>. Alcohol is symbolically loaded (no pun intended) for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I\u2019d be interested\u2014were I your couples counselor<\/a> (and this is all conjecture, mind you)\u2014to know the roots of your wife\u2019s concerns. Did she have a former partner who drank too much and\/or cheated on her? You say, \u201cI don\u2019t think she trusts<\/a> me,\u201d which to me hints that there hasn\u2019t been a direct conversation about this. It\u2019s striking how often couples don\u2019t communicate<\/a> directly with each other, usually because we\u2019ve never learned how to in our own families. It helps to speak one\u2019s concerns directly to your partner\u2014how you feel about it\u2014for the purpose of understanding first, before \u201cwinning\u201d the argument. Because it has to be win-win (or else it\u2019s lose-lose).<\/p>\n

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Listening is, in a way, even more important than direct expression of emotion; try to \u201cmirror\u201d the other person\u2019s point of view emotionally, without interjecting commentary or editorializing, which means you might say, \u201cI hear you saying it bothers you when I do this because (fill in the blank).\u201d \u201cIt sounds like you\u2019re feeling worried or frustrated about (blank).\u201d Focus on the feelings, and don\u2019t worry just yet about finding a compromise or solution (or \u201cproving\u201d your point). I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you (a wonderful thing) and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her. Perhaps her best friend\u2019s husband hit on a girl at a bar and they broke up. Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub \u2026 and so on. (Hold Me Tight<\/em> by Sue Johnson<\/a> is a good book on this, by the way.)<\/p>\n

I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you. Rather than get into a tug-of-war power struggle\u2014yes I will go, no you won\u2019t, you\u2019re not the boss, etc.\u2014I would first suggest you reflect on why this is important, then communicate this to your wife. It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential (versus, say, a round of golf or a movie)? Both you and your wife would need to understand that before it\u2019s \u201ctaken\u201d from you. Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Most people don\u2019t like to be told what to do\u2014or rather, \u201cfeel\u201d like they\u2019re being told what to do. (Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.) The first step would be to state these feelings to her while keeping the focus on you and your feelings, rather than, \u201cYou\u2019re being a controlling pain when you (blank).\u201d Then she might try reflecting this back to you, so you each \u201ctry on for size\u201d the other\u2019s perspective without trying to negate, shoot it down, etc.<\/p>\n

I had a tiny niggling intuition while writing this column that maybe your wife feels like ONLY a few rounds with the lads does the trick\u2014while she\u2019s kept at a distance. Perhaps her anxiety about being distant leads to you somehow feeling over-controlled<\/a> (the classic pursue\/avoid game). Perhaps she feels excluded (while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized). My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could join you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either join in or do something else. Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. There\u2019s a very either\/or tone to what you\u2019re describing and a separateness that may be at the heart of what\u2019s bothering your wife, who obviously wants to share your experience with you\u2014togetherness and sharing are essentials for healthy long-term relationships. You\u2019re both right, and both points of view need to be honored to prevent corrosion to the relationship. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing!<\/p>\n

Kind regards,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625,542],"tags":[429,522,141,25,41,388],"class_list":["post-24189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","category-featured-articles","tag-control-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24189"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24189\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}