{"id":23842,"date":"2014-04-15T08:00:22","date_gmt":"2014-04-15T15:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23842"},"modified":"2024-05-20T17:38:25","modified_gmt":"2024-05-20T21:38:25","slug":"from-sad-to-mad-how-suppressing-your-sadness-invites-anger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/from-sad-to-mad-how-suppressing-your-sadness-invites-anger-0415145","title":{"rendered":"From Sad to Mad: How Suppressing Your Sadness Invites Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapy<\/p>\n

In my introductory article<\/a> on anger management<\/a>, I introduced you to the notion that anger management per se<\/i> often misses the mark. Spending all our time and energy handling our anger<\/a> in more productive, pro-social ways can get tiring if we constantly have anger bubbling up that needs to be managed. Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it be nice, for once, to be able to sit back and enjoy yourself rather than constantly spin inside your managerial role? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not too good to be true, but you must know going in that getting to this place will take considerable effort at first. Perseverance, patience, and kindness<\/a> will serve you well in this endeavor.<\/span><\/p>\n

To begin, we must understand the nature of anger. When not experienced as a secondary emotion (more on this shortly), anger occurs as a result of being a part of or witnessing a wrong. If we or a loved one are in harm\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s way, the energy we call anger wells up, leading to two things: (1) an often laser-like focus on the wrong occurring and (2) increased energy to do something about it. We can view anger in this sense as organically pro-social. It occurs in relation to harm that we think must be prevented or averted. Barring any illegal, immoral, or self-harming<\/a> act, expression of this type of anger can generally be viewed favorably. Sometimes called \u00e2\u20ac\u0153righteous anger,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d imagine Jesus routing out the bankers from the temple to get an image of what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m referring to here.<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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As you may have already guessed, the vast majority of the anger we experience on a regular basis does not fit into the first category described above. Rather, the anger we generally need to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153manage\u00e2\u20ac\u009d falls into the category described as a secondary emotion. In brief, a secondary emotion is one that emanates from a judgment about a primary emotion. They generally occur due to our unwillingness to fully accept and feel the primary emotion. The primary emotion is usually one that feels physically uncomfortable and might also have a social stigma attached that reinforces the tendency to keep it held in. Sadness, guilt<\/a>, anxiety<\/a>, and fear<\/a> are most often the primary emotions that get transformed into anger. As a result of judging and therefore suppressing their full expression, their energy \u00e2\u20ac\u0153becomes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d anger.<\/p>\n

In my next article, I will cover in greater detail how to work with fear and anxiety. In this article, I wish to focus on sadness. Sadness occurs when we have lost something significant. Losing a job or the death of a loved one are obvious causes of sadness, but all too often we do not catch the more subtle triggers. At its core, we experience sadness when we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve lost something that supports our self-identity. The reason sadness hurts is because we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re experiencing the absence of a psychological part of ourselves, not unlike losing a limb.<\/p>\n

Feeling our sadness is important because it sanctifies the thing lost. Sadness fully expressed allows us to honor the missing aspect in our lives. This process reinforces the importance of reengaging in life so that we may begin cultivating the missing value. Not feeling our sadness prevents us from accessing the importance of the thing lost. Once we inquire into our sadness with kind curiosity, we will find that some value or quality is missing.<\/p>\n

So how do you put all of this information into practical use? We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all fond of steps, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not here to disappoint:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. When you get angry, sit down and begin to feel the energy in your body. Rather than ranting and raving, start taking stock of your bodily tension. (Yes, this is very difficult at first. With practice you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll get better, I promise.) Once some of the energy has subsided, ask yourself what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sad about. Usually something specific\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand quite often completely unrelated to the thing that caused you to be angry in the first place\u00e2\u20ac\u201dpops in.<\/li>\n
  2. Once you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve accessed the trigger of your sadness, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to feel sad. I can already hear you grumbling. I know, feeling sadness isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pleasant, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s why so many of us avoid the sensation. A little trick I learned, and teach, is to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yes\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or nod your head when the sensation of sadness is felt. Acknowledging our emotion in this way makes it easier to access. Now, fully feel the sadness without judging or commenting. (This part is a bit difficult as well. It takes much practice to learn to feel our physical sensations without any accompanying thoughts.)<\/li>\n
  3. Once the sadness has subsided\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand it will subside\u00e2\u20ac\u201dyou can begin the process of inquiry. Ask yourself what was lost. If it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not obvious, look to core values that you prize, such as kindness, fairness, support, etc. Often, we get angry when these core values aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t experienced in ourselves or in our relationships.<\/li>\n
  4. Patience and honesty in this process will often lead you to the missing value. Now that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve found it, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s simply a matter of going out into the world and cultivating the very quality that went missing in the first place. This might look like being kind to coworkers, patience with your children, or being gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. Regardless of the quality expressed, your sense of power and accomplishment will increase.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Although the above steps are simply laid out, it will take you a few goes before you really get a handle on the entire process. We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve come a long way from talking about anger. To bring that aspect back, recognize now that underneath much of our anger is a sense of powerlessness in the face of losing something sacred. When we re-access that missing component, we reclaim our power and, ultimately, our sense of peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When we don’t allow ourselves to fully experience sadness (or judge ourselves for it), that bottled-up energy often evolves into anger.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2808,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[231,263,31,25,27],"class_list":["post-23842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-anger","tag-anger-management","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23842","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2808"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23842"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23842\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}