{"id":23807,"date":"2014-04-04T08:00:07","date_gmt":"2014-04-04T15:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23807"},"modified":"2016-05-20T19:57:48","modified_gmt":"2016-05-21T02:57:48","slug":"can-we-survive-my-girlfriends-control-and-abandonment-issues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/dear-gt\/can-we-survive-my-girlfriends-control-and-abandonment-issues","title":{"rendered":"Can We Survive My Girlfriend’s Control and Abandonment Issues?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thank you for your question. Boy, have you been on a roller coaster! In fact, this was my first response: Gee, does he really want to get back on?<\/em> But then I reflected on it, and I began to see the question in a more positive light, thinking:\u00a0Perhaps he really cares about her, loves her, and is willing to wait. Maybe he sees something worth waiting for<\/em>. And what is nobler than that?<\/p>\n

At the same time, it\u2019s possible you are feeling some survivor guilt<\/a> after all this intensity (i.e., a \u201chorror film.\u201d) Your girlfriend, while lovely in many ways, I\u2019m sure, clearly has some posttraumatic stress<\/a>-type abandonment terrors<\/a> and, probably, some trauma or historical abuse<\/a> to work through. This can take a while. It is hard to predict the course of therapy; my sense is that the more you give her space to really work on healing herself, the better. It is easy to find distraction when the hard road of recovery lies before you, especially in the early stages. Keep holding your ground, because many people in early treatment look for distractions or exits. In fact, I think the less talk of \u201cwe\u2019ll give it another try,\u201d the better. \u201cLet\u2019s see how it goes first\u201d might be the more prudent approach.<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>\n

Even if you do decide to give love another try, she needs time to establish some emotional balance in her life, to withstand life\u2019s inevitable volatility\u2014which has proven so dangerously destabilizing to her. (She must have really been treated horribly at some point in her life; how lucky she has someone who cares for her so much now!) Treatment is very hard to predict. Based simply on what you describe, it sounds like she has some knotty psychological issues to untangle. Also, there are always relapses in the best of treatments, and the inevitable ups and downs. Be prepared for a long haul with\u2014I hope\u2014subtle but lasting changes along the way.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s talk about you for a moment. You are in an existential dilemma in the sense that no one except you really knows what it is like in your own skin, to say nothing of what lies within your heart. Because of the complexity of what you are facing, and if I may be so bold, might I suggest some therapy for yourself? Your questions are actually about your girlfriend, but what lies within you<\/em>? What do you need to be happy from this or any partner\u2014what can and can\u2019t<\/em> you live with to feel safe? I suggest a cooling-off period where you spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, getting on with life, seeing how it feels to live without the \u201chorror film\u201d and threats. Sad to say, but I wonder if your girlfriend is really available for a relationship<\/a>, given the inevitable challenges of intimacy<\/a>. (What does her therapist say about this?) Love<\/a> is often given as \u201cthe answer\u201d to life\u2019s woes, but love, like life, is always subject to unpredictability.<\/p>\n

You say you need \u201cexpert advice,\u201d a wise observation given that you have been through trauma; though your tone is admirably stalwart, I can\u2019t help but think it disturbing to have witnessed your beloved behaving so destructively, perhaps like someone you hardly even recognized. (Trauma states are often jarringly alien to friends and loved ones, even the person him\/herself.)<\/p>\n

No one can say, when all is said and done, whether your questions are reflective of love and devotion or so-called \u201ccodependence<\/a>.\u201d But counseling, even short-term, would probably help gain some perspective as the dust clears. You\u2019re very smart, by the way, to hesitate before leaping back in. The fact you are hesitating to seek \u201cexpert advice\u201d might indicate a need to explore the pain of your own<\/em> recent experience as much as the possible return of the relationship. And yes, I do mean your<\/em> pain, which counts just as much as hers\u2014or should, if we\u2019re talking about a romance between equals. Without something resembling equality-based thinking, where both partners\u2019 needs \u201ccount\u201d\u2014a relationship between two committed, equally available and accountable partners\u2014intimacy cannot thrive.<\/p>\n

Best wishes,
\nDarren<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, responds to our latest reader-submitted Dear GoodTherapy.org question.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1061,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[403,429,522,25,41],"class_list":["post-23807","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dear-goodtherapy","tag-abandonment","tag-control-issues","tag-dear-gt","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23807","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1061"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23807"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23807\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23807"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23807"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}