{"id":23654,"date":"2014-03-12T06:00:34","date_gmt":"2014-03-12T14:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23654"},"modified":"2014-03-18T14:28:42","modified_gmt":"2014-03-18T21:28:42","slug":"why-feeling-anger-and-hate-is-all-good","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-feeling-anger-and-hate-is-all-good-0312144","title":{"rendered":"Why Feeling Anger and Hate Is Good"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"angry\u201cI hate you!\u201d 4-year-old Carly screams at her mother. Some moms might react by grabbing their daughter and spanking her on the bottom, or screaming, \u201cYou are a bad girl!\u201d or telling her, \u201cThat\u2019s a bad word, we don\u2019t say things like that,\u201d or starting to cry and admonishing, \u201cYou hurt Mommy\u2019s feelings.\u201d There are many ways children learn to think of their angry<\/a> or hateful<\/a> feelings as bad even though anger and hate are normal human feelings. Too frequently, families don\u2019t differentiate between expressing these feelings through words and acting on them. When families succeed in outlawing feelings of anger and hate and don\u2019t teach their children appropriate ways of expressing their feelings, they limit the child\u2019s ability to be aware that he or she has these feelings and to use them successfully. These limitations seriously interfere with the ability to become a person who can navigate life and relationships with a full range of feelings and self states.<\/span><\/p>\n

Several years ago, I received a call from Frank, who made an appointment. In our first session, he was clear that he wasn\u2019t sure he needed therapy, but his wife thought he should see a therapist because he seemed so unhappy<\/a> with everything. He told me that he thought his wife was probably right, that he wasn\u2019t very happy. \u201cBut I don\u2019t think I\u2019m depressed<\/a>,\u201d he said. \u201cYou know, I just do my life. I share responsibility for my 10-year-old son, who I love. I have a job that helps to pay the bills, but I don\u2019t care much about it one way or the other. I\u2019ve been married for 14 years and my relationship<\/a> is OK, even though my wife keeps complaining that I don\u2019t seem happy. She can be a nag, but that\u2019s fine\u2014I\u2019m used to it. I\u2019m OK.\u201d<\/p>\n

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I commiserated with Frank that it seemed his wife had sent him to therapy and that he didn\u2019t really feel that it was something he wanted or needed. He responded, \u201cThat\u2019s so true, but I guess I don\u2019t really know what I want or need. My wife always seems to know what I should do more than I do. So I\u2019ll give it a try.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank and I began our work, and since Frank didn\u2019t have any specific complaints, I thought it would be useful for him to tell me his life story.<\/p>\n

Frank described his childhood as \u201cthe usual\u2014no real problems.\u201d In one session, he recalled, \u201cMy mother taught me to be thoughtful about people. She was anxious<\/a> and always worried<\/a> about what other people thought. It was most important that I treat her with utmost respect. I always did what she said; I was very aware of not wanting her to feel embarrassed by my behavior.\u201d In another session, he spoke of his mother: \u201cShe could get very hurt if I disobeyed or said no in any way. I remember when I was 6 or 7, I wanted so badly to go to my friend\u2019s house to play with these action figures he just got. She wouldn\u2019t let me go because my father was away on business and she didn\u2019t want to be alone. I think I said something like, \u2018Please, it\u2019s not fair. It\u2019s only for a few hours.\u2019 She got very upset with me and started crying, \u2018How could you be so mean to me and hurt me like this? How dare you say I\u2019m not fair?\u2019 I felt terrible. I couldn\u2019t stand to see her hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank\u2019s father, a successful litigator, was always involved in his work. Frank understood that his job was to be there for his mother and keep her emotionally comfortable. Any attempt to protest or \u201cdo his own thing\u201d would be met with the mother\u2019s hurt and Frank\u2019s remorse. He learned early how to be a \u201cgood son.\u201d When I asked Frank if he ever felt angry with his mother, he looked startled. \u201cWhy would I be angry at her?\u201d he said. \u201cI was the bad one. I hurt her. Besides, I could never feel angry with her. She never said so, but it wasn\u2019t allowed. I think it would have destroyed her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank\u2019s demeanor in our sessions was usually slouched over, talking quietly, mostly in a matter-of-fact way. When he spoke about high school, he perked up and began to describe doing well academically and feeling good about it. But then those feelings disappeared as he explained, \u201cIn my junior year I was thinking about going away to college and started to talk to my parents about it. My mother said I would be better off going to college at home and my dad agreed. I remember him saying that he appreciated my being at home with his being away for business so much and that it would be good for me to live at home and save the family some money.\u201d Frank looked sad and said, \u201cYou know, maybe I did get kind of depressed then. I know I didn\u2019t have a choice. It seemed that was just the way things were, not something to have feelings about. I never applied to schools away from home. I lived at home all through college but got my own apartment when I graduated. My parents found one for me in the neighborhood where they lived.\u201d<\/p>\n

I asked Frank, \u201cWhat do you mean when you say you had no choice?\u201d He looked perplexed and seemed to have trouble responding. \u201cI don\u2019t know. It wasn\u2019t something that I would have thought about once they said no. They said no and that was that. I suppose I never gave it a second thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you imagine would have happened if you did give it a second thought?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not conceivable,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust try to let yourself imagine and see what you think of.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know …\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s OK not to know. But I really would like you to try.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, let\u2019s see. I feel like crying. \u2026 Maybe I would have cried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you imagine you would have cried about?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm. I would have been sad that I couldn\u2019t go away to college.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy do you think you would have been sad?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know. Maybe I would have liked to go away and was unhappy that I couldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember you told me about wanting to go with your friend when you were 6 or so and you told your mother that it wasn\u2019t fair that you couldn\u2019t. Do you think this could have been a similar feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank began to cry softly, \u201cOh yes, yes, that\u2019s it. I couldn\u2019t go with my friend, I couldn\u2019t go away to college, and I couldn\u2019t do a lot of things. It wasn\u2019t fair.\u201d Frank put his head in his hands, and his crying got louder.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s very sad. You learned not to protest and to accept the life your parents prescribed for you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

After this session, Frank and I began to look at this pattern of accepting what was put in front of him, choosing what was pleasing for others and opting for paths that were least likely to create conflict or stir up feelings of anger.<\/p>\n

We are currently talking about Frank\u2019s relationship with his wife and son. He is more curious about his wife\u2019s description that he\u2019s \u201calways unhappy\u201d and is considering what he could be unhappy about. He recognizes that feelings have been accumulating about his life that he has never been free to feel or express. This worries Frank. \u201cWhat if I know what I want or think or feel? What happens if I start to get angry at the people I love? Oh, my god! What if I even hate them?\u201d These are frightening thoughts, and we are working on Frank becoming more comfortable bringing more of himself into his relationships. Frank had an \u201ca-ha!\u201d moment when it occurred to him that maybe his son doesn\u2019t listen to him because he can\u2019t say no to him. Frank told me with great surprise, \u201cI\u2019ve been afraid to get angry with him, so I just say yes, and I haven\u2019t been tuned into myself. You know, I can see now\u2014I do feel angry!\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank is scared but also excited about the possibilities of developing his voice and getting comfortable with his feelings. We have much more talking to do, and we will take it slowly. Frank will be anxious as he grows and develops and tests his new thoughts and feelings in the world. But each success in voicing his authentic self will make his next attempt to be the person he is becoming feel a little less frightening. With continued work, Frank can get comfortable enough with himself in the world.<\/p>\n

Frank\u2019s story is not unique. Many children<\/a> grow up in families where they learn, consciously and\/or unconsciously, that feelings of anger and hate are bad. They may be unaware that they are fighting within themselves not to feel these feelings. As they mature, they are handicapped. They can\u2019t know themselves or be themselves or use these feelings to help make choices. For example, they won\u2019t be clear that they are being treated badly, or that it\u2019s OK to compete to get what they want, or, like Frank, that it\u2019s necessary to say \u201cno\u201d to help a child learn to accept \u201cno\u201d and limits.<\/p>\n

Children who grow up believing that anger and hate are bad usually believe that if they have these feelings they will DO something bad or act in a hateful or rageful manner. But feelings do not have to be acted upon, or can be acted upon in appropriate and nondestructive ways. If we don\u2019t have a full range of feelings available to us, we are at risk of not knowing what we want and who we are\u2014and of having limited lives and relationships.<\/p>\n

Editor\u2019s note:<\/b> Names in the preceding narrative were changed to protect privacy.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Beverly Amsel, PhD – Many children are taught that it’s bad to feel anger and hate. But feeling something and acting on it are very different things.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1777,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[231,31,21,51,25],"class_list":["post-23654","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23654","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1777"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23654"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23654\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}