{"id":23654,"date":"2014-03-12T06:00:34","date_gmt":"2014-03-12T14:00:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23654"},"modified":"2014-03-18T14:28:42","modified_gmt":"2014-03-18T21:28:42","slug":"why-feeling-anger-and-hate-is-all-good","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/why-feeling-anger-and-hate-is-all-good-0312144","title":{"rendered":"Why Feeling Anger and Hate Is Good"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"angry\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hate you!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d 4-year-old Carly screams at her mother. Some moms might react by grabbing their daughter and spanking her on the bottom, or screaming, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You are a bad girl!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or telling her, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a bad word, we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say things like that,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or starting to cry and admonishing, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You hurt Mommy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s feelings.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d There are many ways children learn to think of their angry<\/a> or hateful<\/a> feelings as bad even though anger and hate are normal human feelings. Too frequently, families don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t differentiate between expressing these feelings through words and acting on them. When families succeed in outlawing feelings of anger and hate and don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t teach their children appropriate ways of expressing their feelings, they limit the child\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ability to be aware that he or she has these feelings and to use them successfully. These limitations seriously interfere with the ability to become a person who can navigate life and relationships with a full range of feelings and self states.<\/span><\/p>\n

Several years ago, I received a call from Frank, who made an appointment. In our first session, he was clear that he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure he needed therapy, but his wife thought he should see a therapist because he seemed so unhappy<\/a> with everything. He told me that he thought his wife was probably right, that he wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t very happy. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m depressed<\/a>,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know, I just do my life. I share responsibility for my 10-year-old son, who I love. I have a job that helps to pay the bills, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care much about it one way or the other. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been married for 14 years and my relationship<\/a> is OK, even though my wife keeps complaining that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem happy. She can be a nag, but that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fine\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m used to it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m OK.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

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I commiserated with Frank that it seemed his wife had sent him to therapy and that he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really feel that it was something he wanted or needed. He responded, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s so true, but I guess I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really know what I want or need. My wife always seems to know what I should do more than I do. So I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll give it a try.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Frank and I began our work, and since Frank didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any specific complaints, I thought it would be useful for him to tell me his life story.<\/p>\n

Frank described his childhood as \u00e2\u20ac\u0153the usual\u00e2\u20ac\u201dno real problems.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d In one session, he recalled, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153My mother taught me to be thoughtful about people. She was anxious<\/a> and always worried<\/a> about what other people thought. It was most important that I treat her with utmost respect. I always did what she said; I was very aware of not wanting her to feel embarrassed by my behavior.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d In another session, he spoke of his mother: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She could get very hurt if I disobeyed or said no in any way. I remember when I was 6 or 7, I wanted so badly to go to my friend\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s house to play with these action figures he just got. She wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let me go because my father was away on business and she didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be alone. I think I said something like, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcPlease, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not fair. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s only for a few hours.\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 She got very upset with me and started crying, \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcHow could you be so mean to me and hurt me like this? How dare you say I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not fair?\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 I felt terrible. I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stand to see her hurt.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Frank\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s father, a successful litigator, was always involved in his work. Frank understood that his job was to be there for his mother and keep her emotionally comfortable. Any attempt to protest or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153do his own thing\u00e2\u20ac\u009d would be met with the mother\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hurt and Frank\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s remorse. He learned early how to be a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153good son.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d When I asked Frank if he ever felt angry with his mother, he looked startled. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why would I be angry at her?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I was the bad one. I hurt her. Besides, I could never feel angry with her. She never said so, but it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t allowed. I think it would have destroyed her.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Frank\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s demeanor in our sessions was usually slouched over, talking quietly, mostly in a matter-of-fact way. When he spoke about high school, he perked up and began to describe doing well academically and feeling good about it. But then those feelings disappeared as he explained, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153In my junior year I was thinking about going away to college and started to talk to my parents about it. My mother said I would be better off going to college at home and my dad agreed. I remember him saying that he appreciated my being at home with his being away for business so much and that it would be good for me to live at home and save the family some money.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Frank looked sad and said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know, maybe I did get kind of depressed then. I know I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have a choice. It seemed that was just the way things were, not something to have feelings about. I never applied to schools away from home. I lived at home all through college but got my own apartment when I graduated. My parents found one for me in the neighborhood where they lived.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

I asked Frank, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean when you say you had no choice?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He looked perplexed and seemed to have trouble responding. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t something that I would have thought about once they said no. They said no and that was that. I suppose I never gave it a second thought.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you imagine would have happened if you did give it a second thought?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not conceivable,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Just try to let yourself imagine and see what you think of.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know …\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s OK not to know. But I really would like you to try.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s see. I feel like crying. \u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 Maybe I would have cried.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you imagine you would have cried about?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hmm. I would have been sad that I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go away to college.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why do you think you would have been sad?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know. Maybe I would have liked to go away and was unhappy that I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I remember you told me about wanting to go with your friend when you were 6 or so and you told your mother that it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fair that you couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. Do you think this could have been a similar feeling?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Frank began to cry softly, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh yes, yes, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s it. I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go with my friend, I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t go away to college, and I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do a lot of things. It wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fair.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Frank put his head in his hands, and his crying got louder.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s very sad. You learned not to protest and to accept the life your parents prescribed for you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said.<\/p>\n

After this session, Frank and I began to look at this pattern of accepting what was put in front of him, choosing what was pleasing for others and opting for paths that were least likely to create conflict or stir up feelings of anger.<\/p>\n

We are currently talking about Frank\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s relationship with his wife and son. He is more curious about his wife\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s description that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s \u00e2\u20ac\u0153always unhappy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and is considering what he could be unhappy about. He recognizes that feelings have been accumulating about his life that he has never been free to feel or express. This worries Frank. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What if I know what I want or think or feel? What happens if I start to get angry at the people I love? Oh, my god! What if I even hate them?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d These are frightening thoughts, and we are working on Frank becoming more comfortable bringing more of himself into his relationships. Frank had an \u00e2\u20ac\u0153a-ha!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d moment when it occurred to him that maybe his son doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t listen to him because he can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say no to him. Frank told me with great surprise, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been afraid to get angry with him, so I just say yes, and I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been tuned into myself. You know, I can see now\u00e2\u20ac\u201dI do feel angry!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Frank is scared but also excited about the possibilities of developing his voice and getting comfortable with his feelings. We have much more talking to do, and we will take it slowly. Frank will be anxious as he grows and develops and tests his new thoughts and feelings in the world. But each success in voicing his authentic self will make his next attempt to be the person he is becoming feel a little less frightening. With continued work, Frank can get comfortable enough with himself in the world.<\/p>\n

Frank\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s story is not unique. Many children<\/a> grow up in families where they learn, consciously and\/or unconsciously, that feelings of anger and hate are bad. They may be unaware that they are fighting within themselves not to feel these feelings. As they mature, they are handicapped. They can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know themselves or be themselves or use these feelings to help make choices. For example, they won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be clear that they are being treated badly, or that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s OK to compete to get what they want, or, like Frank, that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s necessary to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to help a child learn to accept \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and limits.<\/p>\n

Children who grow up believing that anger and hate are bad usually believe that if they have these feelings they will DO something bad or act in a hateful or rageful manner. But feelings do not have to be acted upon, or can be acted upon in appropriate and nondestructive ways. If we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have a full range of feelings available to us, we are at risk of not knowing what we want and who we are\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand of having limited lives and relationships.<\/p>\n

Editor\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s note:<\/b> Names in the preceding narrative were changed to protect privacy.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Beverly Amsel, PhD – Many children are taught that it’s bad to feel anger and hate. But feeling something and acting on it are very different things.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1777,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[231,31,21,51,25],"class_list":["post-23654","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-child-and-adolescent-issues","tag-healthy-parenting","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23654","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1777"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23654"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23654\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}