{"id":23512,"date":"2014-02-24T06:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-02-24T14:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23512"},"modified":"2014-02-18T19:49:23","modified_gmt":"2014-02-19T03:49:23","slug":"does-your-partner-know-your-sexual-fantasies-why-not","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/does-your-partner-know-your-sexual-fantasies-why-not-0224144","title":{"rendered":"Does Your Partner Know Your Sexual Fantasies? Why Not?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"coupleMany couples<\/a> with whom I work continue to return (or call back if they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in distance therapy<\/a>). They find it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s helpful to have regular \u00e2\u20ac\u0153tune-ups\u00e2\u20ac\u009d even after we have repaired and healed their relationships to move past whatever hang-ups or problems inspired them to contact me in the first place.<\/span><\/p>\n

In these ongoing conversations, I get to learn about many ways that loving couples heighten sexual intimacy and strengthen their relationship<\/a> by creating fun and pleasure. I continue to notice that couples who have a happy sex life<\/a> view lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take any differences in their needs or desires personally. They enjoy a relaxed and accepting view of sexual pleasure.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Fantasy is an important aspect of creative intimacy. Believe me when I tell you that your sex life will be greatly enhanced if you feel safe enough to share your sexual fantasies with your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u201dand perhaps even explore them with one another. Does your partner know about what really turns you on? Can you imagine telling him or her about it?<\/span><\/p>\n

Fantasy is the base of variety, imagination, and adventure for most of us when we experience sexual pleasure, either alone or with a partner. But relatively few couples seem to be able to trust their loved one with their fantasies and then find some way of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153acting them out\u00e2\u20ac\u009d together. When we share these secret places in our minds, the result can be great romance and excitement that swoops us out of the monotony that can ensue when we are mating in domesticity.<\/span><\/p>\n

I encourage couples to cultivate the idea that within the safe boundaries of their relationship, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable and welcome. Nothing is intrinsically wrong or disgusting. We can decline a partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s request, but we don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t judge or disparage him or her for it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Describing and sharing a fantasy requires a great deal of courage<\/a>, so receive your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s secret longings with tenderness and compassionate curiosity. One couple recently shared about their bedroom \u00e2\u20ac\u0153treasure chest\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that includes sartorial regalia honoring each of their delights and predilections. The contents include police and nurse uniforms, a cheerleader outfit, and several pirate costumes\u00e2\u20ac\u201dsort of a Caribbean theme!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s really a helluva lot of fun,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d one person laughed. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even begin to understand some of my desires or fantasies, and I have no idea why Johnny Depp got me so turned on in <\/span>Pirates of the Caribbean<\/i>! But my sweetie doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care\u00e2\u20ac\u201dthey just consider it play and we have a ball!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/span><\/p>\n

Most of us base our expectations about sex on informal and unreliable sources, usually friends we had as adolescents. And this \u00e2\u20ac\u0153information\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is usually based on fantasy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ignorance often leads to people judging themselves harshly and comparing their performance to the actors who appear in their favorite fantasy. I often hear people lament that they are \u00e2\u20ac\u0153just no good in bed.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d An obvious example is the guy who believes he always has to be able to produce an erection whenever the situation requires it. When it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen, self-doubt<\/a> and genuine fear<\/a> often result.<\/span><\/p>\n

Years ago an author named Nancy Friday interviewed thousands of women about their sexual fantasies\u00e2\u20ac\u201done of her books that I really enjoyed is <\/span>My Secret Garden: Women\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Sexual Fantasies<\/i>. Those of us who are female are usually (not always!) less visual and therefore more inclined to enjoy reading erotica, while men tend gravitate toward video\/online stimulation. Consider watching with your partner, discussing what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s exciting and what isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t.<\/span><\/p>\n

Talk about your fantasies with your partner. He or she might be surprised and\/or delighted. I guarantee you will grow in intimacy<\/a> as you trust one another with your deepest desires. Let go of any attachment you might have to a particular outcome, such as orgasm.<\/span><\/p>\n

The results can be downright entertaining, and you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll learn a great deal about one another. Just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t take things too seriously. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll laugh together at the very least, and that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one of the best aphrodisiacs!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CSE, CCS – Sharing your deepest sexual fantasies with your partner can foster a richer and more fulfilling sense of intimacy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1044,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[31,25,41,139],"class_list":["post-23512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-sex-therapy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1044"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23512"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23512\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}