{"id":23175,"date":"2014-01-06T09:00:41","date_gmt":"2014-01-06T17:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23175"},"modified":"2014-01-03T12:17:15","modified_gmt":"2014-01-03T20:17:15","slug":"a-healing-approach-to-conflict-in-intimate-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/healing-approach-to-conflict-in-intimate-relationships-010614","title":{"rendered":"A Healing Approach to Conflict in Intimate Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"man\u201cIn love we face challenges and in embracing these challenges, conflicts, and dark places, there is immense potential for transformation.\u201d – J. Welwood<\/p>\n

When conflict happens in your relationship<\/a>, how do you react? Do you fly under the radar hoping to avoid detection, or come out fighting and go on the defensive<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Relationships can be wonderful, uplifting, and joyful, as well as challenging, painful, and destructive. When things are great and we\u2019re getting along there is a feeling of deep connection and safety. But when there\u2019s a sign of pain, misunderstanding, or disconnection, defenses are triggered and vulnerability goes into hiding. When conflict is viewed as a threat and met with defensiveness we get stuck in a power struggle that takes our relationship on an emotional rollercoaster ride.<\/p>\n

Conflict isn\u2019t a threat to your relationship. Sometimes we view conflict as a threat and respond to it as if it\u2019s a sign that our relationship is in need of fixing or that one of us is at fault. In reality, conflict isn\u2019t the problem—it\u2019s how we meet conflict that becomes the problem.<\/p>\n

Why We Don\u2019t See Eye to Eye<\/b><\/h2>\n

When two people who grew up in two different homes decide to make a life together, conflict is going to happen. Each of us comes into relationship with different ways of seeing the world and when these perspectives clash, we encounter conflict. It isn\u2019t about right or wrong; it\u2019s about perception and how we see the world.<\/p>\n

For example, if you grew up with a parent or sibling(s) who yelled and criticized you when they were angry, and this scared or frustrated you as a child, you might have learned to avoid angry confrontations at all costs. Now, in your present day relationship, if your partner gets angry<\/a> your defensive reaction might be to ignore, shut down, or try to get your partner to calm down.<\/p>\n

While your partner might benefit from learning how to tone down his\/her anger, it\u2019s also possible that your reaction to anger needs to change. The same goes for the partner who is angry—they may have grown up in a family where their needs weren\u2019t being met so they learned that in order to be heard they had to yell, sulk, or complain.<\/p>\n

If you both continue to meet this situation with defensiveness, then you\u2019ll be mired in a power struggle that fills your relationship with negativity<\/a> and resentment. If, on the other hand, you meet conflict with a willingness to listen and an intention to understand, and have empathy<\/a> for each other, then there\u2019s a potential for healing and growth to happen.<\/p>\n

Shift from Conflict to Connection<\/b><\/h2>\n

Learning to become a healing partner takes patience<\/a>, time, and commitment. Dr. Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, states that couples have the potential to become healing partners. He says, \u201cIt\u2019s in relationship we are wounded so it\u2019s in relationship we can heal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Learning to become a healing partner is what helps us develop a safe, intimate<\/a>, and loving relationship. To get there it takes practice, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s when we learn to soften our defenses and become vulnerable and open that we begin to connect in a way that creates a feeling of safety, love, and connection. It only takes one partner to shift out of the power struggle and into connection. Below are some steps you can take toward helping yourself, your partner, and the relationship.<\/p>\n

Steps to help soothe reactivity and calm difficult emotions:<\/b><\/p>\n