{"id":23088,"date":"2013-12-23T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-12-23T19:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=23088"},"modified":"2017-07-11T09:10:53","modified_gmt":"2017-07-11T16:10:53","slug":"self-esteem-means-esteem-for-others-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/self-esteem-means-esteem-for-others-too-1224134","title":{"rendered":"Self-Esteem Means Esteem for Others, Too"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ReflectedYou may have heard it said that you can\u2019t truly love another person if you don\u2019t love yourself<\/a>. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, and I think it speaks to the \u201cmirror-type\u201d relationship between self-esteem<\/a> and other-esteem. Basically, the esteem you feel for others tends to reflect, or mirror, your own level of self-esteem.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look at a couple of examples.<\/p>\n

Low Esteem for Others<\/b><\/h2>\n

In extreme cases, people whose self-esteem is so damaged that they feel worthless<\/a> may engage in criminal activity that hurts other people or damages property. Having no compassion<\/a> for themselves (which they would if they enjoyed healthy self-esteem), these people find it hard to access compassion for their victims.<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
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High Esteem for Others<\/b><\/h2>\n

Sometimes, treating others well is simply a mark of your own healthy self-esteem. But you might point out that it\u2019s perfectly possible (even common) for people with low self-esteem to treat others better than they treat themselves.<\/p>\n

How is a person with low self-esteem able to have such high esteem for other people? Where\u2019s the mirror effect in this scenario?<\/p>\n

The answer lies in what\u2019s beneath all that good behavior directed at others.<\/p>\n

If you scratch the surface of this \u201cesteeming-others\u201d behavior, you\u2019re likely to find not genuine affection or respect, but fear of abandonment<\/a> or rejection<\/a>. The good behavior toward other people is motivated not by esteem for them, but by something more like fear of losing their approval.<\/p>\n

So the true level of self-esteem (low) is reflected in a secretly low opinion of others, masquerading as kindness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Think about it: Constantly putting others above yourself could be like saying, \u201cI don\u2019t believe you are good, strong, or mature enough to handle it if I don\u2019t please you, so I\u2019m going to be extra nice so as not to upset you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here are five aspects of self-esteem that are reflected in relationships with others:<\/p>\n

1. Respect for efforts made, not just results.<\/b><\/p>\n

High self-esteem places a value on trying as well as succeeding. If I have good self-esteem, I\u2019ll give myself credit for trying even if I fail.<\/p>\n

This doesn\u2019t mean pulling the wool over my eyes and pretending I succeeded when I didn\u2019t. I don\u2019t need to prop myself up with lies if my self-esteem is intact.<\/p>\n

Mirror effect<\/i>: Similarly, I recognize your efforts even if things don\u2019t go perfectly.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say we had an argument and you get me a greeting card that says, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d It\u2019s a musical card that plays a song you thought I might like.<\/p>\n

If I don\u2019t like the song, but there was no way for you to know that, I can still recognize your effort to reconcile with me. I\u2019ll focus on that, and it will be meaningful to me that you tried.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2. Acceptance of limitations.<\/b><\/p>\n

If I have high self-esteem, it gives me the security of knowing that, even though I\u2019m a flawed human being, I am worthy at a basic level anyway.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have to shut my eyes to reality; once I know what they are, I can accept actual limitations of talent, intellect, strength, etc.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have to do everything perfectly or even very well. I have my strengths, others have theirs, and there\u2019s room for all of us in this world.<\/p>\n

Mirror effect<\/i>: If you have a limitation that affects me, such as an inability to multitask that drives me nuts, I can see it as a limitation just like the ones I have, rather than a personal attack on me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

3. Acknowledgment of accomplishments.<\/b><\/p>\n

It feels good to be able to acknowledge my achievements. If I can celebrate my successes, I can enjoy yours, too.<\/p>\n

Mirror effect<\/i>: Your accomplishments don\u2019t take away from my good feelings about myself, nor vice versa. But unless I can acknowledge my own accolades, yours will feel equally unimportant, overblown, or even toxic.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

4. Embrace of human-ness.<\/b><\/p>\n

If I\u2019m allowed to be human, so are you.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019m not, then you\u2019re not.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

5. Care taken with emotions.<\/b><\/p>\n

How I treat myself when I have difficult feelings will be how I feel toward you when you express emotions<\/a>.<\/p>\n

If I can\u2019t stand to cry, if I\u2019m frightened of my own anger, if I refuse to engage with my grief \u2026 your emotions will be equally frightening to me.<\/p>\n

Mirror effect<\/i>: If I recognize my emotions as normal and important parts of me, to be heeded and worked through, then I\u2019ll welcome your expression of your feelings.<\/p>\n

Water seeks its own level, and so does esteem. Learning to genuinely value yourself will help you value others and enjoy relationships more.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Esteem you hold for others generally mirrors your self-esteem. Why, then, do many with low self-esteem treat others better?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":532,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[31,25,115,383],"class_list":["post-23088","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-esteem","tag-self-love"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23088","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/532"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23088"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23088\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23088"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23088"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23088"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}